The Genesis of Owning a Dog Began with God

By Will E Sanders

September 5, 2014 6 min read

By the seventh day, God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day, he rested from all of his work. And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done.

But on the eighth day, God awoke from a deep slumber in his bed and found his feet cold, not warm, and God lacked the companionship he so desired. God thought long and hard about how to remedy this occurrence and created a gentle beast. And God named this four-legged mongrel Dog, the reverse spelling of his own name, and God chuckled at his own cleverness.

And God, having made man in his own image and, too, creating woman, wanted man to have companionship outside of woman, despite her good looks and sway over man; a companion that neither nagged, nor groaned and belly-ached, or complained of the lava lamp in the living room and how it made such living quarters appear tacky. And so God created Dog. And tennis balls. And it was so, and shall always be. And God was happy.

And of all the fish in the sea, of all the beasts on the ground and of all the birds in the air, and things in between like leprechauns, unicorns and octopuses, God decreed this beast more special than those and granted it the ability to understand certain human commands, such as thou shall sit, or shake, or fetch or play dead — though oftentimes, Dog would not commit such actions unless a treat in the shape of a bone was present or its scent upon the air.

Thus God was pleased with what he saw, but knew he could improve on perfection. And in creating various breeds of Dog, God did not feel shame for "playing God" because when God starts "playing God," it was all right because God enjoys irony. Hence in the image of Dog, God shaped different types into different shapes, sizes and colors with different kinds of abilities: like skateboarding bulldogs and casserole-eating Doberman pinschers, the latter to include Silas the Devil Dog.

And seeing man upset with Dog at various times, for Dog enjoyed eating thine delicious casserole off the counter when nobody was looking or urinating on the couch for no reason whatsoever or gorging upon thine delicious casserole until vomiting on the kitchen floor in the House of the Lord where man was most apt to step upon it, God created patience for man and cute doggie eyes for Dog — and the ability of Dog to crush anger with but a gleam of such wide and innocent brown eyes.

And Dog took advantage of his natural cuteness in the utmost of ways and in all self-benefiting occasions, including when thine delicious casserole had been devoured and thus re-devoured upon the floor in the Kitchen of Eaten.

But God was vengeful, and enjoyed casserole in his belly, and so he set out vengeance against Dog. For God knew Dog loved all the casseroles that swam in the sea, and flew in the air and walked among man upon the ground, including casseroles made of beef, and of macaroni, and of tuna, and of pizza and other delicious varieties. So God created one food above all others that Dog would enjoy even more than casserole. Thus God created chocolate, a food God knew Dog could not resist and would want more than even the most delicious of casseroles, but that of which would poison Dog if ingested, like thine forbidden fruit in the Garden of Eden.

And just like the enemies of the fish in the sea, birds in the air and beasts on the ground, God created Cat, bestowing upon them sweet-smelling rear-ends that tempted Dog to violently smell and, too, granted Cat with sharp claws for eye-gouging when rear-end-smelling was ever-present. Though Cat was not enough, and God, in taking from Cat one rib, created vacuum cleaners. And of vacuum cleaners, God created couches, behind of which made perfect hiding places for Dog when vacuums swirl about in the House of the Lord.

And Dog soon loved thine owner and lived in his Father's house, treating it as his own when his Father was at work or at the store or renting a movie, including getting upon the forbidden couch for eternal slumber though knowing such slumber upon such furniture was forbidden and punishable with the utterance of the word "Cage!" And Dog had the intelligence in thine walnut-sized brain to develop psychic ability to determine when his Father would arrive home before thine Father even pulled his Grand Am out front. And Dog would hence promptly await at the door, scratching upon its surface with fevered excitement even though such activity, too, was prohibited. And, aside from the scratch marks on the door, all was well, and might remain that way so long as "Cage!" not cross the lips of our omnipotent Father in Heaven.

And so God rested warmly on the ninth day in his bed, and Dog curled up at his feet. Throughout the night, Dog made his way to the head of the bed, knowing his Father could not see him doing so, and spread out in such a fashion that it nearly caused his Father to fall off of the bed. And so God awoke in anger, but it was vanquished by the moist tongue of Dog and doggie breath that smelled of casserole.

And all was right with the world, and remained that way until the 10th day, when God planned on vacuuming the carpet again and making a casserole.

Amen!

To contact Will E Sanders, visit his website at willesanders.com, or send him an email at [email protected] To find out more about Will E Sanders and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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