Will E Sanders
If he were to die today, the obituary would read: After receiving a
solid C in high-school English with no college ambitions, Will E (no
period) Sanders embarked in his father's footsteps and worked at a
factory in 1998. After three months of hard labor, college sounded like
heaven.
Sanders then attended Bowling Green State University, where he attempted
to quit smoking seven times, committed petty drunken crimes, worked at
the campus newspaper covering petty drunken crimes (sometimes his own),
and in his spare time managed to obtain a double degree in journalism
and binge drinking in 2002.
A week later, Sanders was hired as a news reporter with a small Ohio
newspaper. Since that time, he has received more than 25 Associated
Press awards. In the fall of 2004, Sanders began documenting his
ridiculous adventures and outrageous observations in a weekly humor
column, called "The Usual Eccentric," which quickly gained an impressive
fan base of his mother. Sanders, 30, then attempted to get his humor
column syndicated to earn spending money for video games, "Dungeons and
Dragons" books and his mortgage.
A professional 30-something slacker, Sanders resided in his childhood
village of Laura, Ohio, with 600 other crazy people -- including his
clannish family members, who all live within a two-block radius. They
all survive. Other survivors include Sanders' five good-for-nothing cats
and his best friend, Silas the "Devil Dog" Doberman pinscher.
In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to a charity that directly
benefits Sanders. Condolences may be expressed to nobody in particular.
