Dear Annie: I have two daughters, and they have children. I had to move to a different state because my children thought my life should solely be about my grandchildren. I'm still in my 40s.

After I moved, my children continue to call on me for babysitting. They plan "vacations" for me to come watch their kids while they go on an actual vacation. I have to fly back to their state and take off from work. Now, they do pay for the airfare, and I stay at their home with the kids, but I feel I am obligated to plan a full week of things for my grandchildren to do — at my expense. There are five grandchildren, ages ranging 2-8. This happens twice a year. It also makes it extremely difficult for me to afford an actual vacation myself.

I am a young widow, so there is no grandpa to shoulder some of the weight. How do I explain to my kids that as much as I love my grandchildren, I would like to go on vacation, too! — Babysitting Forever

Dear Babysitting: You have to say to your daughters exactly what you said to me in this letter. Maybe you could find activities at your local library, park or beach where you could find activities that don't cost money.

Dear Annie: I miss the days when society's rules gave people the "right" to grieve for a year.

I wanted to respond to the friend who felt that a grandmother grieving for 10 months is prolonged grief; it's not. As a bereaved mom, I lost many "friends" who felt this way, who just didn't understand why I couldn't get over it. I had two other children and a baby on the way, etc.

I learned that the first year after the death of a loved one is bad because of all the firsts you experience, such as the first Christmas without them. But the second year is brutal because you realize that this is the new normal, that there is no going back to the old you because part of that person is gone. Losing a child or grandchild is not the same as other losses because it's out of order; we are not supposed to outlive our children and grandchildren.

Finally, I want to recommend an organization called The Compassionate Friends, which is a good resource for those who experience the death of their child or grandchild as well as friends and people who want to help.

I am still grieving almost 23 years later. — Grieving Grandmother

Dear Grieving Grandmother: I am so sorry for your loss, and I want to thank you for sharing your experience. Grieving takes the time that it takes, and anyone who tries to hurry you along is being insensitive. I hope your observations and advice help others know they are not alone in their grief, and they should never feel pressured to ignore their feelings.

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].

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