Passionless Partner

By Annie Lane

May 9, 2019 4 min read

Dear Annie: I am in a relationship with a 71-year-old woman. I am 72. We have a lot in common and our relationship has moved toward moving in together. We have been intimate, but when we are, there is no passion on her part. Even after extensive foreplay, she has no passion. She just lies there. She never touches me and is never the aggressor. I love this woman, and she says she loves me. But she certainly doesn't know how to express it.

She is a sweet woman who is just going through a tough financial time. I am willing to help her, but I sometimes think her involvement with me is for the financial help only. I thought she loved me, but the red flags I am getting when I try to be intimate with her are making me think I am making a mistake.

She is a kind and considerate woman in other ways. Recently, I had a major health issue and she stayed and nursed me back to health for two months with sacrifices on her part. She says in time the passion will be there, but I am not sure that is true. — Thinking About Moving On

Dear Thinking: Instead of thinking about moving on, start thinking about what you really want in a relationship. If you want more passion and a mutually satisfying sex life, then she may not be the right partner for you. If you want a friend and caretaker, then maybe she is ideal.

Can the passion grow? Sure.

But the real question is how long you would want to wait. It could be that she cares for you greatly but is sexually inhibited. Or it could be that she sees you as someone to pay her bills. You'll find out if you go to couples therapy, which I would recommend.

Dear Annie: The woman who signed her letter as "Grandma" was unhappy that her adult children like to go to "fancy pants" coffee shops and prefer certain unusual foods. I believe she is missing a great opportunity — an opportunity to explore our world through the eyes of our children and to learn new things.

My adult children do the same things — fancy coffee shops and unusual foods — and we are thrilled to go along. We like to try different cuisines and go to places that we don't often visit. They bring lots of fun to any situation, and it's a sweet way to peer into their world, which we only get glimpses of now that they are on their own.

People of my generation tend to only want to do what is familiar, and that puts us in a rut. Usually, after they have left, I will enjoy the establishments we visited as a family. One restaurant is run by our kids' friends, and when we go there now, they hug us and give us terrific service. It's like a small piece of their lives is left behind to keep them in our hearts and minds. Don't fight change. It's a fun, exciting learning experience. — Old in Body Only

Dear Old in Body Only: What a lovely letter. Thank you for offering such wise advice. Change is going to happen to us, whether we embrace it or not. By embracing it, you are leaving yourself open to wonderful experiences like the one you described having in your children's friends' restaurant. A warm hug and terrific service sound like some pretty good consequences of embracing change.

"Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie" is out now! Annie Lane's debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]

Photo credit: at Pixabay

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