Dear Annie: My sister and I are in our sixties. We are less than a year apart in age but have never really been close emotionally.

We had a rough childhood, in which it was all about survival. Once we were adults, we both moved away and only saw each other a few times a year.

I married my current husband over 20 years ago. He is the kind of person you either love or dislike. My sister dislikes him.

About 10 years ago, I moved about 2,000 miles from where my sister, "Jan," lives to take a job that I really enjoyed. Shortly after I moved, Jan informed me that her daughter was getting married. I love my niece very much, but having recently moved and started a new job, I decided not to go to the wedding and told my sister this. She has never forgiven me and brings it up every time I see her. What's more, she blames it on my husband and makes all kinds of rude comments toward him.

Now coming to the point. I have been diagnosed with cancer. I may not have many years left, and Jan wants to visit me. I love her, but at this point, I am protecting myself from negativity and drama. Our last visit really ended badly, and I know I can't deal with that now. Jan says "she's at a point in her life where she says what she wants no matter who likes it."

Please help me. I don't know how to tell my sister that I don't want to see her, but I can't deal with her nasty comments and living in the past. — Living for Today

Dear Living: My heart goes out to you, and I commend you for your thoughtfulness in this trying time.

Things like terminal illnesses have a way of putting things in perspective. I am guessing that when Jan heard the news of your diagnosis, she forgot all about your absence at the wedding and her dislike of your husband. Your shared past must dwarf these petty disagreements.

There are times when it's appropriate to distance yourself from certain family members, especially when you're protecting your mental or physical health. But is there not a piece of you that wants to reconcile with your sister? Allow Jan to visit on the condition that she leaves her negativity at home, 2,000 miles away.

Dear Annie: You were right on the money to tell the "Mother-in-Law Who Wants to Keep Her Ears Clean" to tell that gossipy mom to keep her daughter's business to herself. Hopefully, "Clean Ears" informs her daughter-in-law of her mother's constant gossip. That was my mother to a T, gossiping about me at family functions, and I wish my in-laws told her to mind her own business.

When my mother-in-law just ignored it, my mother took the silence as acceptance. Soon, my mother went further and started to tell others at family events. Unfortunately, in order to stop it, we couldn't invite her any longer to get-togethers. — Thank You for Looking Out

Dear Looking Out: Gossip usually comes back to bite us. If we don't speak up to stop it, then we are just enabling it to continue. Thanks for this reminder.

"How Can I Forgive My Cheating Partner?" is out now! Annie Lane's second anthology — featuring favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication and reconciliation — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].

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