Dear Ann Landers: Please tell your readers not to dump their mothers, fathers or other loved ones into just any old nursing home and assume they will be well cared for. Urge them to select a home that has been looked into carefully, one where they feel certain their loved one will be given competent care. Then — and this is the hard part, Ann — ask your readers to remember where they left "Grandma" or "Grandpa." Too many people don't.

Visit him or her, and bring a thermos of coffee or hot chocolate, a sweet roll or cookies. Make it seem special — like a party. Take your loved one out to lunch, if possible. Decorate his or her room for an upcoming holiday — Valentine's Day, July Fourth and so on. Brush her hair, and put a red ribbon in it. Trim his mustache or beard. Do her nails or give her a pedicure. I'll bet she's never had one. Write letters. A back rub with some wonderfully fragrant body cream would be ever so welcome.

I am an activity aide in a nursing home, and I do all these things. I also play music and arrange classes, games, crafts, cooking and spiritual programs. I'm a shoulder to cry on and a willing listener. There are only two of us here and over 100 residents. Without family support, it is not possible to meet all their needs.

You can place your loved ones in a home without feeling guilty if you do even a few of the things I've suggested. Please try, and there will be no regrets down the road. No name or initials, please. Just sign me — A Caregiver in New York

Dear Caregiver: Thank you for taking the time to write. Your letter is sure to make a difference in the lives of a great many senior citizens. You've done more good than you will ever know.

Dear Ann Landers: "Too Close for Comfort" said her husband's ex-wife gave up the right to be part of the family when they were divorced. My question is, why?

I married at 18 and have been divorced for three years. My ex's two brothers have been the brothers I never had. Their wives are like sisters to me. His maternal grandparents are the only grandparents I've ever known. His mother was as dear to me as my own mom.

To this day, we have lovingly tried to help each other both financially and emotionally. As for my ex, I am truly sorry that he chose to cut himself off from his former in-laws. My family misses him. — Faithful Reader in Spring Grove, Ill.

Dear Reader: Your generosity of spirit is refreshing. Too bad you can't be cloned. The world could use more people like you. Thanks for writing.

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ANN LANDERS