She Had to Leave Him to Find Herself by Cheryl Lavin on Creators.com

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She Had to Leave Him to Find Herself

We recently met Samantha who endured physical and verbal abuse from her husband, Harlan, because he had convinced her she was worthless. Her one act of rebellion was her correspondence with an old boyfriend. Her tale continues . . .

After Harlan found out about the letters, Samantha went into counseling to find out why she had "betraying" her husband.

"The counseling made me see that it wasn't my fault and that Harlan was the bully in the relationship."

One day, after a counseling session, she went to her parents' home.

"They asked how Harlan was and I said, 'Harlan's not happy, but does anything ever make him happy?' My parents were shocked because I'd always defended him. They actually said, 'Wow!' I said that I'd had enough, and I was going to save my money and leave him in six months. They said, 'No, leave now. Come live with us.'

"I had left him twice during our marriage, but I'd always gone back. This time, I was ready. A strong force came over me and I just said, 'Done.' That was it. I never looked back. I left the next morning with my entire family moving me out of the home."

That was July 15, 1994, a day Samantha says she will never forget. "After I left him, I felt such a sense of relief. The sickness from the constant worry and anxiety was gone. I truly felt as if God was saying, 'About time!'"

Samantha and Harlan had been living in Southern California.

She moved to Illinois in 1996 for a job transfer. Six months after she moved, she met Jed on a blind date. A year later, they were married, living in their own home with Samantha's two daughters and a new baby.

"Jed has been a wonderful father to all three of the girls. The oldest are now 26 and 23, and they see their father for who he is. They're lucky to have a fabulous stepfather who treats them like his own.

"I've learned not to allow anyone to make me feel worthless. I sometimes get mad at myself for having allowed a person such as Harlan to treat me so horribly, to abuse me not only physically but verbally, too. The physical abuse I could take because I could fight back, but the words cut deep and sometimes those words still try to creep into my head. I have to kick them out.

"But in general, I'm back to being my old self. My father once told me Harlan was smothering the life out of me. Toward the very end of the marriage, one of my neighbors said, 'Samantha, I've watched you over the years go from a bubbly, outgoing person to sad woman, hiding in your shell. You used to be so much fun, and now, you're sad all the time.'

"I'm actually very outgoing and vivacious. I love life. I completed my bucket list this year when I turned 50 by running 26.2 miles in the Chicago marathon. My goal for 2012 —skydiving!"

Can your relationship survive the pressure of the holidays? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.

Comments

4 Comments | Post Comment

She was fortunate to have supportive parents who were willing to take her and her two children into their home, along with all their stuff, apparently. The only thing that really surprises me is that the court let her leave the state with her two children. That usually doesn't happen, especially when the abuse isn't documented with medical or police reports, etc.

As for her running the marathon, I say, Horray for Her! She's come a long way, baby.

Comment: #1
Posted by: Madelyn
Sat Dec 10, 2011 11:15 AM

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Madelyn -- you're assuming Harlan wanted to see the kids or raise any objection. Some parents don't.

I know courts are reluctant to make visitation more difficult, and so may not approve a parent's choice to remarry someone who lives out of state or to seek a job elsewhere. But when transfers are involuntary -- i.e., you lose the job if you don't agree -- I know of cases where the courts felt the responsibility to allow the parent to continue working rather than lose the job altogether. And some ex-spouses are more cooperative than you'd think; I work with someone whose ex-spouse followed her halfway across the country because the new job allowed her to put considerably more money toward their kids' future educations; he wanted their kids to have the kinds of opportunities that allowed; and he preferred to uproot his own career rather than not see them every week.

Comment: #2
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Dec 11, 2011 3:29 PM

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Hedgehog, you're coming up with exceptions that prove the rule that courts are very reluctant to allow a custodial parent to remove the children from the state without express permission from the other parent. Does Harlan sound like the kind of guy who would cooperate with anything his ex wanted? I don't think so.

The point I was trying to make is that it is wise to get documentation of abuse, from police or medical reports, when it happens. It makes her case that much stronger in the event of a custody battle.

Comment: #3
Posted by: Madelyn
Mon Dec 12, 2011 9:28 AM

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It is wise to get documentation of abuse, always. Harlan doesn't sound like the kind of guy who'd sign permission - unless the alternative were an increase in his child support payments to compensate for Samantha being out of work. No judge wants to put a family on public assistance.

Harlan also sounds like the kind of parent who would give up custody in a heartbeat because he sees the kids as more of a hassle than a reward.

Kind of like my friend's brother's friend, who was fighting for custody of his son...until the boy's mother said she'd let him take the stereo in return for full custody. He promptly dropped the battle, and bragged to his friends that he'd got what he'd really wanted. There really are people like that out there.

Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Dec 12, 2011 4:16 PM

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Tales From the Front by Cheryl Lavin

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She Had to Leave Him to Find Herself

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