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Mom Likes Her Maladies
Dear Annie: My husband's parents are in their mid-70s. They are both in good health and financially stable. The problem is, my mother-in-law has a bit of hypochondria along with some anxiety. She has self-diagnosed herself with many "syndromes" (such as fibromyalgia, restless leg, irritable bowel), and she refuses to exercise. Her syndromes, which are exacerbated by her anxiety, keep her from getting out of the house, unless it involves an activity that she truly enjoys, like shopping.
My in-laws don't have a wide social circle, and Mom refuses to try to make new friends. You can't have a conversation with her without the topic turning to her various maladies. I believe this is causing her some depression. Our town has many great programs for seniors, and I know both of my in-laws would benefit from them. I have repeatedly suggested to my mother-in-law that she get outside more, get some exercise, volunteer, take classes at the senior center, etc., but she refuses.
Annie, I understand that Mom may have some physical ailments, but being home all day and inactive surely can't be making her better. It's so important to remain physically and mentally active, and it's frustrating to see a wonderful couple, a wonderful woman, throw her "golden years" away. — Frustrated Daughter-in-Law
Dear Daughter-in-Law: Your heart is in the right place, but please don't pressure your mother-in-law to take care of herself the way you would. While exercise would be great, it only works if she's willing to do it. To some extent, she likes her various maladies and isn't ready to get rid of them. The best you can do right now is suggest that she see her doctor to be properly tested, evaluated and treated. And if you find a program at the senior center that you think she would like, offer to pick her up and go with her.
Dear Annie: I'm in love with a girl who said she loved me, too. We dated for a while last summer, and we're still best friends. But "Lucy" has another boyfriend now, and he is a good guy. We all get along, but I'm extremely jealous that he has her. I'm pretty sure he knows how I feel. I'm still heartbroken about the breakup. I think about it all the time.
I'm considering talking to Lucy to see whether there is any chance of us getting back together someday. Should I? — Lover Boy
Dear Lover Boy: Not unless you are absolutely certain that Lucy wants the same thing. Otherwise, you will only be hurt again. We assume the reasons for the original breakup still exist. Also, she has someone else in her life now, and it is not appropriate to make a play for his girl. If he is aware that you are still interested in Lucy, rest assured, she is, too. If she wanted to get back together, she would let you know. We recommend you spend a lot less time in her company so you can learn to get over her.
Dear Annie: I read the letter from "Rocky Mount, Va.," about allowing dogs at funerals.
When my sister was in hospice for four months, we told the staff how her dog, "Abby," was searching the house and waiting at the door of her home every day. The wonderful staff suggested we bring Abby in. The dog would check on my sister first, then greet everyone else and finally lie down on the floor beside my sister's bed. She did this every day we brought her. Toward the very end, Abby seemed to know that her wonderful master was dying. Now, she is a happy well-adjusted companion to another sister.
If at all possible, I recommend people let pets be with their masters at the end. Instinct seems to ease their minds, and even though the animals grieve, they are no longer waiting for them at the door. — Getting Better
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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41 Comments | Post Comment
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LW1 -
For some people, their litany of old maladies are like a collection of old friends, and they have become fond of them. Sometimes they grow so close to them that they become their only friends.
I understand that you would dearly love for your in-laws to get out of their rut and enjoy themselves like you know they're still capable of, but you can only lead a horse to water. Same thing for your MIL. ;-D
LW2 -
Seeing her with this new guy all the time is like picking at the scab until you're bloody. Don't wait until you're infected, and start hanging out with other people, otherwise you can never get over her. I'm not saying to cut them off completely, but start developing other friendships or a hobby, get a job o start volunteering, so that you spend far less time with them. Otherwise, one of these days, something you say will come out wrong and you'll lose two friends. What the Annies said was right on.
LW3 -
Now, that was touching... snif.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:06 PM
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I don't have any experience with a pet losing its master, thankfully, but I have posted before about one of my dogs who was way too young to just die, but he did. After running around in the yard with the younger dog, he came in, laid on his bed, and just stopped living. There was no poison, none of the things that lead to sudden death in dogs.
My point is that the younger dog understood that the older dog was dead because he could see it. And I sure hope it will never happen, but if someone in my family passed, I would be sure that the dogs were there because their attachment to us is as fierce to us as ours is to them.
I can only say that I wish it would be as easy for me to decide that life is too painful and I choose to go the way I have released my loved dogs to go. If you have never had to put down a beloved dog, as heartbreaking as it is, the dog just goes to sleep with everyone around him who loves him. And it is a relief for the people who love him as well.
Where do I sign up for that if things get ugly?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Carly O
Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:24 PM
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Re: Carly O
Nowhere in America that I know of. :-( I recently read about some woman who went to some European country, where a doctor there could assist her in departing at her own convenience. There has been debate in Quebec about assisted suicide, but nothing concrete is being done for now. A lot of people fear the abuses that can result - not without some justification.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:32 PM
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the second letter on 12 February 2013, and was also discussed on 9 April 2013.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:34 PM
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Re: Lise Brouillette and Carly O:
Washington state has had a right to die law since 2008.
Comment: #5
Posted by: wyn667
Wed Apr 17, 2013 10:52 PM
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LW1 You cannot get anyone to exercise or eat better or anything unless they want to do it themselves. Took decades to get my in-laws to the gym and it only worked by getting my SIL to coordinate a donation from all the family for a gym membership for them. They have been going regularly since their mid-70's now. They have both now survived serious hospitalizations which I am pretty sure they would not have survived had they not been going to the gym. They certainly would not have rehabilitated as well as they did without having already been in good condition for their age and medical issues. They still had to want to go. All the memberships did was make it easier to go.
LW2 Your "girl" does not love you. Sounds like you are young given it was a summer romance so let it go. Look elsewhere. You will find someone that wants you as much as you want her.
LW3 Agree wholeheartedly and then some. First time Dad had surgery for cancer I found out his hospitals ICU allowed owners pets in to visit so long as they were clean and well behaved......it helped the humans to have their pets with them. His dog trotted right in the first day, greeted him excitedly and then laid down at the end of his bed with his rear to him..... the dog was upset that Dad had left him for two days by then. He got over it and quickly settled in and made Dad feel better during his recovery. When Dad eventually went into Hospice for his cancer he was pretty far gone. I asked him if he wanted me to bring his dog but he said No, it would be too hard. I don't know if he meant on himself or his pet but after a few days in Hospice I took Dog in to see him and Dog treated Dad like he was a brick in the bed. Dog had been to the people hospital before as I mentioned so I know he was not upset by that. I think Dad's soul, his essence, whatever made him human, was already gone by then and Dog knew it. After that trip Dog settled into our home much better. And I actually felt better as Dad's body slowly stopped all function over the next two days.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Kelsey
Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:33 PM
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RE: Lise Brouillette - Oregon has a right to die law as well.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Shasta
Wed Apr 17, 2013 11:50 PM
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LW1 - There is nothing the LW can do to make her MIL exercise and get out more. Lise hit the nail on the head by comparing her various ailments to old friends. She is comfortable with them and they give her a reason to continue the life style she wants to have at this point. It's fine to encourage her to get out more and exercise (the LW could offer to go with her on walks or other forms of exercise), but unless her MIL is willing to do it, her encouragement will fall on deaf ears.
.
LW2 - Talking to Lucy about how she feels won't help the LW. If her new boyfriend is aware of the LW's feelings, it's a safe bet that Lucy knows too. She could be stringing the LW along and using him as a back up in case things don't work out with the new BF, or she could be keeping him around because it boosts her ego to have two men "in love" with her. In any event, staying around and hoping Lucy will change her mind won't help the LW. He needs to move on and find another circle of friends, and hopefully find a girl who will replace Lucy in his affections. He sounds like a very young man, and the only way to get through his loss of Lucy is to get on with his life and leave her behind with her new BF.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Kitty
Thu Apr 18, 2013 1:44 AM
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LW1 - I see my grandmother has a long lost younger sister. My grandmother has also diagnosed herself with all kinds of things, including Alzheimer's Disease. No doctor will diagnose her but she insists she has it along with all kinds of other things. She also gets depressed very easily and refuses to get out and do things and make new friends. My family members and I have tried over the years to get her to change her ways and we finally realized one day that we can't. She is who she is. So we leave her alone. When she cries about her alleged illnesses, we just say, "Sorry to hear that." When she cries that she's bored, we just say, "Sorry to hear that." We've advised her many times to visit the local senior center but she refuses so why bother suggesting it anymore? It's the same with your MIL. She is who she is and you can't change her so just let her be.
LW2 - The only way to get over a breakup is to get out there and find new friends and activities. You don't have to stop being Lucy's friend but make it more of a "occasion friendship," as in you see and talk to each other on occasion. If you are constantly around her, seeing and hearing about her and her new boyfriend, you will only continue to stay upset. Good luck.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Michelle
Thu Apr 18, 2013 3:16 AM
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Michelle,out of curiosity, have you ever offered to take her, as the Annies suggest, or does she have a friend who might go with (or who is already there)?
The Annies touched on something vital in their answer, I think. It's often really intimidating for people to go alone to somewhere they think is "full of strangers" ("who might be weird or think I'm weird"). I honestly think my mom's dog was what made the difference when she moved into a senior community -- although Mom worried people would reject her because of her dog, my sisters and I knew the dog was an icebreaker who'd make it easier for her to make friends,and that proved to be the case.( At the other end of the spectrum, my son is experiencing many of the same anxieties about dorm living!)
And although the senior center is only for an afternoon, I'd bet your mom is worried that everyone else there will know everybody else; it will be cliquish and it will be horribly uncomfortable. I think the Annies are right in saying that LW needs to find a specific program that would appeal to her MIL ("Look, Mom, it's an exhibit of aprons through the ages!" "Mom, they're having a sheepshead tournament.... let's sign up") and offer to go with her rather than suggest "why don't you go to the senior center? There's lots to do and a lot of people your age there!"
She may not agree. But if she does, it's a huge step in opening her world to new people and new activities.
Comment: #10
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Apr 18, 2013 4:58 AM
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Re: wyn667 & Shasta
Glad to hear that. But does that "right to die" only covers a DNR (Do Not Ressuscitate) order and the right to refuse treatment, or does it also include assisted suicide? The two are very different - one is passive and common in Quebec, the other is active and still illegal in Quebec.
And then there is actual termination of a life that has become unbearable, for the sake of someone who is begging for release... I don't remember the names, but there was this man in one of the prairie provinces who put an end to his little girl's suffering. She was suffering from a degenerative disease with no hope of getting any better, only worse and worse, slowly progressing towards a painful death. He was accused of first-degree murder and convicted of course, because the law wasn't on his side, but the entire province and half the country was.
The proponents of the right to die say that no one should be subjected to slow torture when there is no hope and they're ready to go, and that the preservation of life at any cost actually *can* do harm, thus contradicting the hyppocratic oath. And they're right. The opponents ask, where do you draw the line, and how do you prevent murders for selfish reasons, disguised as a right to die? They're also right, and this is not an easy one.
Personally, I would want the right to dispose of my own body and life as I see fit. On the other hand, I have seen enough materialistic and greedy people with no scruples in my life, to know that there definitely are some who would not hesitate to apply undue pressure on someone who's awake, or pull the plug on someone who isn't, just to get to the money. Elderly people can be extremely vulnerable and influenceable when the abusive pressure comes from loved ones.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:05 AM
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Re: hedgehog
We also know nothing about the woman's preferred activities. It may be that the majority of the people in senior centres will have nothing in common with her, and that she knows this.
And btw, your son may also be concerned about the lack of privacy. How private a person is he?
Comment: #12
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:09 AM
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Re: hedgehog - "Michelle,out of curiosity, have you ever offered to take her, as the Annies suggest, or does she have a friend who might go with (or who is already there)?"
Yes, we have offered to take her but her response is, "I don't want to hang out with a bunch of old people!" She's 80! They're her peers but apparently she doesn't think so. My father's older sister is 69 and she goes to their local senior center a few days a week and loves it. We've told my grandmother that she goes there (she knows her) and she, again, says she doesn't want to hang out with a bunch of old people. She's very stubborn and she hates change. She still cries that her neighborhood isn't the same as it was when her kids were growing up. Yeah, no kidding it isn't. My mother is 61!
Comment: #13
Posted by: Michelle
Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:37 AM
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LW1--Evidently you don't understand what it means to be a typical senior citizen. Many that I know are difficult, love to talk about their ailments, play the perpetual victim and complain to anyone who will listen about practically any subject matter you can think of from politics to the weather. My advice is to accept your mother-in-law for who she is warts and all (don't mention warts though; she might start thinking she has those too!) Instead of trying to change your MIL, modify your own behavior so that her quirks don't bother you so much. The next time 'mom' complains to you about her scarlet fever, just nonchalantly mention that if she perhaps exercised and got out more perhaps she'd feel better. Than change the subject. Whatever it is be prepared for her to start bellyaching about that too.
LW2--I hate to break it to you but you were not in love. Dating someone for a summer is not a lasting commitment that results in you riding off into the sunset to live happily ever after. I believe the colloquial term for what you had is a summer "fling." Enjoy the memories, wish your friend and her flavor of the month well and then move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea.
LW3--What you're describing is a very special circumstance. In general, however I would like to personally implore that people please leave your damned dogs home!!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Chris
Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:53 AM
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LW1: I think several posters hit it pretty good here. You can suggest all you want to, but there's only so much you can do.
LW2: Indeed, you need to back off. And keep in mind that Lucy may never be your girlfriend again -- you may just have to deal with that disappointment in life. She's obviously turned on by someone else. Please, back off. If it's meant to be for you two, then you can move in again ... but again, keep in mind that it's very possible you may never be dating her again.
LW3: Touching – not much more to say here.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Bobaloo
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:00 AM
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It may be that the majority of the people in senior centres will have nothing in common with her, and that she knows this.
******
LOL! Lise, how does she "know" what she might or might not have in common with "the majority of people in senior centers" if she's never been? My older son refused to eat tomato sauce on his spaghetti because he "knew" he wouldn't like it, until the day at 14 when found himself on a school trip where they needed to get takeout from a Macaroni Grill, and he felt spaghetti was the lesser of many evils and "I was too embarrassed to try to order it plain." You've probably guessed by now that it's his favorite.
************
And btw, your son may also be concerned about the lack of privacy. How private a person is he?
**********
Oh, I'm sure that's part of it! (Though ...have you toured college dorms lately? Some are suites in which each kid has his own bedroom, and a bathroom shared only by the two suite mates. WAY different from the concrete block double room, with mega-bathrooms at the end of a long, long, hall, that I lived in!)
He's told us and prospective coaches flat out, though, that of all the colleges that have mailed him stuff, he doesn't even want to look at those "where I don't have any friends" either already enrolled or planning to go.
Funny. During my growing-up years, we lived in 4 states, and I missed not knowing what had happened in the lives of classmates in each place over the years (until Facebook, of course). We've lived in the same house now for 28 years, partly, I think because I wanted roots. I've enjoyed seeing other kids I've known all their lives grow up... but this is an unexpected side effect of having my kids graduate high school from the same district in which they started pre kindergarten at age 4!
Comment: #16
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:18 AM
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Re: Carly O #2
i wish it had been like that when I had to have my daughter's cat put to sleep -- the vet asked me if I wanted to be with her, and I said that I did. It was a horrible experience. She did NOT just go to sleep! After the injection, her eyes flew open and she jerked around like she was having some kind of horrible seizure and then finally died with her eyes still wide open as though she were in either shock or horrible pain. That was about 8 years ago and I STILL have nightmares about it. Never again!
Comment: #17
Posted by: Kitty
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:25 AM
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Re: Lise B
I left you a message on yesterday's column :)
LW1 - Your MIL sounds annoying but so do you. Are you that much of a broken record in real life? Look, the old lady is in her 70s. Clearly she hasn't messed herself up THAT badly (or she'd be dead already). If what makes her happy in life is to sit around and gripe then let her. She's going to die soon regardless of what she does - don't make her die doing burpees or something. By all means, go out and invite her with you. Even shopping is exercise if she's walking around a mall. And if you can't stand her complaining, don't spend any more time with her than you need to. If she complains about that, just say "Mom, I love you, but your constant complaining is depressing me! Let's talk about something happy!"
LW2 - Time to find some friends, bub. You can't be best friends with someone you are in love with while also being jealous of their new SO. Someone will end up miserable and it will probably be you. Branch out, meet new people, date other girls. You will feel better and eventually you may be in a better mental position to rekindle your platonic friendship with Lucy.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Zoe
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:38 AM
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Re: 11 Lise
While I get it that you were trying to get your point across, the facts as you presented them weren't quite accurate. The 12 year old child had cerebral palsy, there were some treatment options available that were declined, and her dad sent the rest of the family to church while he piped exhaust from a tailpipe into the vehicle in which she was sitting. He was convicted of 2nd degree murder and is already out on parole.
And not everyone in the province supported his actions. In fact, many who are unable to defend themselves feared that if he had been found not guilty, it would have been open season on them.
Comment: #19
Posted by: SaskCanuck
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:38 AM
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Re: Kitty
Sorry you had to go through that. My vet sedates the animal before euthanizing them, so they are completely unconscious when it happens.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Zoe
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:39 AM
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LW1: Count me among the many here telling you there's really nothing you can do. I also agree that offering to go with her to some activity/event/outing hosted by the senior center is more likely of succeeding than simply saying, "lots of stuff to do at the senior center, you should go check it out." Heck, maybe you can suggest a few support groups for the various syndromes she believes she has -- it would be the perfect social setting for her!
LW2: the urge to slap you upside the head is strong, but instead I will just agree with everyone who has said you need to back off. Trust me, she knows how you feel. If she returned your feelings, she wouldn't be with someone else. Move on.
LW3: It is amazing how animals just seem to know the right thing to do. When my husband's grandmother was in hospice, we asked if we could bring our dog to see her. He had recently earned his "canine citizenship" certificate, and we were thinking about training him to become a therapy dog to visit hospitals, nursing homes, etc. The staff agreed to let us bring him. Our dog weighs 90 pounds, so he's a big boy. And at that time, he was still in what we lovingly refer to as his "extended puppyhood" -- he was full-grown, but still very much a puppy. But when we brought him to see Grandma, he was perfectly calm, carefully putting his front paws up on the bed so that he could see her better and give her better access to pet him, but making sure not to jostle her. We only brought him a few times, and he didn't share the same kind of bond with Grandma (she wasn't his owner, so he only saw her occasionally) as your sister's dog had with her, of course. But it was sweet to see how gentle he was with her -- he clearly knew that he couldn't roughhouse with her or play in any way, but that he could bring her comfort, and that he did.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:40 AM
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Re: Zoe #20
This wasn't my regular vet -- it was after hours and I had taken the cat to the 24-hour ER. I guess they just did things the cheapest way possible. It's good to know it doesn't always have to be that way. Terrible experience for both the cat and me.
Comment: #22
Posted by: Kitty
Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:01 AM
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Re: Chris
It is my considered opinion that people who dislike dogs have a fundamental character flaw.
Comment: #23
Posted by: clemma
Thu Apr 18, 2013 7:49 AM
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@hedgehog -- how does she know that she won't have anything in common with anyone at the senior center? The same way she knows she has these various and sundry ailments without ever having seen a doctor for them! ;)
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lisa
Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:11 AM
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@ clemma Re: #23
Ah, clemma sweetie, I adore dogs. I simply do not adore scrubbing their muddy paw prints or removing their hair from my carpets or my clothes after they come for an impromptu visit.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Chris
Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:18 AM
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LW1 - I think it's time to be blunt. Next time dear old mom-in-law wants you to visit, tell her you'd be happy to...but that you will not listen to any more stories about what ails her, and that you will leave if she starts talking about them again. If she starts, cut her off and tell her that's the kind of thing she needs to discuss with her doctor if she's so concerned, but not with you. If it's difficult for you to be so blunt, then just make sure all your visits are shopping visits, since she enjoys that so much.
LW2 - Annies are spot on with this...stay away from Lucy and her boyfriend. Trust me, you don't want the drama of a Jerry-Springer love triangle.
LW3 - Animals absolutely understand death and should be shown the body of any animal or person they were close to, before burial, otherwise they probably will just not understand why their friend is not returning. But if they see them dead, they can know and then grieve properly. The film "Hachi", with Richard Gere, illustrates this perfectly.
Comment: #26
Posted by: Paul W
Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:25 AM
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Re: clemma
It is my opinion that people who judge others' characters based on whether they like the same things are the ones with character flaws.
Do no harm, but you don't have to like my dog (well, I don't have one, because they are annoying and expensive and they smell - they are the children of the animal world).
Comment: #27
Posted by: Zoe
Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:43 AM
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@ Lise - You've still got a couple of marbles left, Lise ;-) The man's name is Robert Latimer, and he's from Saskatchewan. His daughter was SEVERELY disabled, with the mind of a baby, and had already been through a dozen or so painful operations, with more to come. She was in constant pain. He euthanized her in the car, using carbon monoxide. He did 10 years in prison for it, and is out now. The rest of his family (and many other people) were very supportive, and felt he did the right thing. I think he did, too.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Barbara B.
Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:47 AM
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I don't agree with bringing in just any dog to a funeral or to a hospital to see their owners or other family members. HOWEVER, there are exceptions. Some dogs are more than capable of behaving themselves in such circumstances, with proper training, and can also be a great comfort to the people around them. Case in point, the comfort dog team that went in to Sandy Hook. That team was just dispatched to Boston. Those dogs are big golden retrievers, a normally active, exuberant breed. But, they've been trained to behave and were picked based on their potential to fulfill therapy/comfort needs. Yes, they recieved extra training and are specialized dogs. My point is, that if someone has trained a dog to be well-behaved and that dog has demonstrated that it can be in gatherings of strangers with calm obedience, then there should be no problems with trying to see if the dog can visit its owner or family member in the hospital or hospice or attend a funeral. If it were my beagle, Alvin, he'd be immediately going to the person who needed comforting the most to sit in front of them very politely, waiting for them to pet him. Once they had started to pet him, he would then very carefully shift over to gently lean against them and stay that way as long as they needed him to. He would not bark, lick nor jump up on anyone. But then, we've been training him since we got him to be a well behaved boy. He just cannot stand it when someone is sad and does his best to try to help them by being there. So, it depends on the dog. And, since it is up to the family of the person involved in being hospitalized or in hospice or being buried, it really isn't anyone else's business if they decide to include a beloved pet, now is it?
Comment: #29
Posted by: Mdelwell
Thu Apr 18, 2013 9:00 AM
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LW1: I think Zoe has the key here. Shopping at a mall or a large outdoor plaza can actually entail a good amount of walking. If LW1 is concerned, she can start to do more shopping, turn it into regular visiting that may then include walks in a nearby park, going out for a snack in a downtown area that encourages more walking and window shopping, etc.
Go to the same shops often enough and she may also make friends that way. Or see when the senior citizens do their indoor power-walking around the local mall and make sure your shopping trips coincide with that. The blunt, direct approach isn't working and probably won't; better instead to give her opportunities to see what she's missing and make her own decision to make a change.
LW2: Probably not any real chance of you getting back together, and frankly you should spend time with other friends. The reason you are still in love with her even though she has moved on is that you aren't giving yourself enough time and distance to get over her. You're not being fair to yourself by clinging to this false hope.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Mike H
Thu Apr 18, 2013 9:07 AM
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RE: - Lise - Oregon is a "Right to Die" state.
Comment: #31
Posted by: Shasta
Thu Apr 18, 2013 9:13 AM
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Not sure why deceased's dog would need to be at the funeral, when it's easy enough to bring the dog at a quieter time with fewer strangers (and people who may be allergic or frightened). Family generally has the option of private viewing time to say goodbyes before the larger event.
If the dog's owner passed away someplace other than at home (where the dog might have seen what transpired), it would be a kindness to have another family member who has rapport with the dog bring it to the private visitation and take the dog elsewhere before others begin arriving for visitation and/or funeral.
Comment: #32
Posted by: hedgehog
Thu Apr 18, 2013 2:42 PM
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LW1: I think that finding support groups for fibromyalgia, etc., is a great idea! She might even find out that whatever she has isn't nearly as serious as she thought, when faced with the real thing.
LW3: We had an outdoor German Shepherd that used to go walking with my husband every morning. When he was in his last illness, and we had to call 911 at one time, the dog recognized something going on and every time anybody went in or out of the front door, he got his head and shoulders in and just stood there and looked around. Normally, he never tried to get in the door. The day of the funeral, when we had people in and out of the house, he also came partway in and acted like he wanted to be part of whatever was going on. After that, he never got near the door again and didn't seem to miss the walks.
Comment: #33
Posted by: partsmom
Thu Apr 18, 2013 4:39 PM
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Re: hedgehog #16
"How does she "know" what she might or might not have in common with "the majority of people in senior centers" if she's never been?"
Well, let's suppose she knows someone like Michelle's grandmother, and takes for granted they're all like her... ;-D
@SaskCanuck #19
Thanks for the needed update. You're right that I never had all the facts. While there was some coverage here, we are far away and we only got the salient points. (I don't doubt you get confronted with the same problem about whatever happens here) And then, it was also a long time ago, so what little I knew of it is far away also! ;-D
Like your handle, btw, and welcome as a new poster!
@Zoe #20
I still remember the passing of my Bobino who died at past 20... He went very quietly, still conscious, lifted his head towards me one last time as I petted him under the chin, and then he was gone. I have tears in my eyes right now thinking of it... He was such a sweet animal, and courageous too, bravely handling his handicap like a trooper.
@Lisa #24
LOL!
Comment: #34
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:47 PM
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Re: Barbara B. #28
I think he did too, but I understand SaskCanuck's point also. It's a very tough dilemna.
@partsmom #33
It's possible she has a very mild, occasional version of it. I do, and I was diagnosed, and not by myself!
Comment: #35
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Apr 18, 2013 5:52 PM
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Re: Zoe #18
Left you one too ;-D
Comment: #36
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Thu Apr 18, 2013 6:32 PM
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@Kitty#17- I am so sorry for your sad experience. If it ever needs to happen with another pet, ask the vet to sedate the pet first. I went with my friend when her kitty had to be put to sleep because of advanced cancer. The vet gave two shots, the first to make her drowsy, and my friend got to hold her and tell her what a wonderful friend she had been, and the second shots finished it, and kitty peacefully let go.
LW1- Old folks are a lot like kids facing junior high; they are afraid they will be rejected, so they stubbornly say they will not go. If your MIL has a friend who is in a club, she might go along with her once to see if she would like it, but otherwise, I doubt that you will get anywhere. Let it go, she doesn't like change, and she is old enough to know her own mind. It would be good to get her mind on something though, to crowd out medical worry thoughts. If you brought over a large jig saw puzzle or game, would she work it with you? If you asked her to show you how to crochet or knit, could she, and would she? Or could you get her to show you how to make a pie crust or something? Large print puzzle books interest her?
When my granny got too depressing with medical disaster thoughts, my aunt used to ask her if she wanted us to go get her a 'black pill' (grandma used to mention that that was how she would end it all one day). Kind of mean humor, but it made grandma stop catastrofizing.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Patty Bear
Thu Apr 18, 2013 8:27 PM
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Re: Lise Brouillette
With regard to your post #11, I agree that there sure would be abuse of legal assisted suicide. And I am sure that, because of greed, there are some family members who will just commit murder to get what they want.
No easy answers here.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Carly O
Thu Apr 18, 2013 10:02 PM
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Re: Kitty
Kitty, with regard to your post #17, I can only talk about my experience with helping two dogs pass when they were in pain, and it was nothing like what you describe, which truly sounds awful, and I understand why you are still bothered.
The only thing that comes to my mind is that your daughter's cat had a bad reaction to the initial sedative, or that the vet just did it wrong. I hope the cat went quickly, even if it seems so awful in your memory. What I am hearing from you is not my admittedly anecdotal experiences of my own and friends/family. As long as it was quick, I would still opt for a fairly painful death for a loved one, human or animal, than to watch that loved one suffer for a long time.
Sorry that you had that negative experience.
Comment: #39
Posted by: Carly O
Thu Apr 18, 2013 10:09 PM
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@Patty Bear & Carly O
Thank you both for your posts. I hope to never have to have that done again, but if I do I will certainly discuss sedatives, etc., with the vet in advance. I had never been through it before and just assumed that's the way it always is. Thank you again for your sympathy and input.
Comment: #40
Posted by: Kitty
Fri Apr 19, 2013 2:11 AM
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Re: Carly O #38
Yep. And as things stand now, there is abuse of the hyppocratic oath, where preserving life becomes at any cost, including harm to the barely living. No easy answers here.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Fri Apr 19, 2013 6:08 AM
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