Annie's Mailbox® by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar

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LW3 refers to the first letter on 18 January 2013.

LW1 - Unfortunately, the Annies are right in that the two habits the LW describes are not "quirks", but addictions, and both can cause many problems for both the LW and his/her partner in time. Smoking can cause serious health issues for both of them, and the gambling can cause serious financial problems. The LW can't force his/her partner to conquer these addictions, especially if he doesn't have any desire to do so. The LW needs to decide whether or not to accept the consequences of his/her partner NOT doing anything about the smoking and/or gambling, those being the future health and financial problems for both of them.

LW1 - Get away from this guy NOW! He will not stop gambling, the problem will continue to get worse, and he'll just use you as a human ATM machine until you're both bankrupt. When he looks at you, he doesn't see someone he loves or cherishes, he sees a source of gambling income.

Please don't hope that he changes, or it will get better. It won't, and it will destroy YOU.

LW1, you are with the wrong person. If you think his "quirks" are a drag now, just wait ten years and see how romantic it is to clean up the vomit from his chemotherapy treatments for lung cancer.
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Your bigger problem is figuring out why you would choose (yes, CHOOSE) to fall in love with someone who is so completely unsuited to you. He didn't just start smoking yesterday. He was no doubt a chain-smoking, out-of-shape, online poker playing person when you met him. You knew all that BEFORE you supposedly fell in love, yet you chose to sit there, inactive, while he blew smoke in the air and bet on a pair of aces, day in and day out, and now you're wondering what you should do about being in love with a chain-smoking, out-of-shape, online poker playing person.
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Here's what you do: break up with him so he can go and mate with one of his own kind. Then sit down or go get some therapy and figure why you have such a gaping big ol' hole in you that you would try to fill it with a relationship that was doomed from the start. After you realize why you're broken and do something to fix it, then go out and find a guy who is ALREADY the non-smoking, fairly active person you both need and deserve.

LW1 - The most disturbing thing I read here is that you don't feel like you have a right to even want what you want. Do you have a right to a relationship where your partner isn't a chain smoking out of shape gambler? Yes. It's great that you think people should be who they are, not change for you, because the fact is that most likely, they aren't going to change big behaviors & characteristics for you. You will just have to live with them BUT only if you choose to. You have a right to your own deal breakers be they smoking or gambling or whatever. However, when you hit these deal breakers, if your partner won't change, you should leave, not decide you don't deserve the kind of partner you want.

LW1--"My partner is 47, smokes heavily, does not exercise and spends a good part of each day playing online poker." I have to wonder how low someone's self-esteem needs to get before they're willing to put up with these "unimportant" habits in an otherwise "wonderful" person. Lady, I hate to break the news to you but you're not in love with this man; you're in love with the idea of being in love. You would buy your own con and probably live happily ever after with your delusions if it weren't for your boyfriend's disgusting habits that I personally would take to be some major red flags. Someone who smokes heavily, never exercises and gambles all day on the Internet is NOT someone who is the epitome of responsibility or personal accountability. In fact, this is an incredibly selfish person who can't see beyond the end of his nose. Your boyfriend is 47 now, project yourself into the future about ten years when he's 57. By then he might already be on an oxygen tank for emphysema, grossly (emphasis on gross) overweight to the point where he can't travel and even taking a walk is difficult. He'll also be flat broke due to his years of gambling and the fact that he won't be able to work due to his myriad health problems. Who do you think is going to be his nursemaid 24/7 until death do you part? Think on that and hopefully you'll snap back to reality and throw this one back into the cesspool from whence he came.

LW2--"I'd like to be fully accepted and want to tell them that, but I don't want to be pushy and unkind." Oh please! Sweetie, you're in middle school; it's supposed to be full of strife and awkward, humiliating moments. Sure, one of your new friends is jealous that you've insinuated yourself into what she sees as her territory. You can count on it that little brat will secretly be a little bitch and blab all sorts of lies or start rumors about you to the entire student body. Like I said, that's typical middle school for you. If you want to wind up on top, then you need to to be proactive and preempt any unpleasantness before it starts. Confront this girl head on but kill her with kindness. Soon she'll realize who the real HBIC is around your schoolyard and toe the line. Go rent a copy of 'Mean Girls' to figure out exactly what to do. Good luck.

LW1: What Jane said. This guy is not a keeper. Why did you choose such a disaster in the first place? You do need therapy.
Break up with him. You will have lonely moments, but you must tough them out. Make plans with friends every night until you are over him -- "withdrawal" from the attachment is like getting over drugs. Start searching, and don't settle for just anyone because you're lonely or think you don't deserve, or can't attract, a suitable partner. In future, notice and flee from these red flags, even if the guy is charming and worthy in other ways.

LW1: Smoking, gambling, presumably fat. He sure sounds wonderful. Marry that dreamboat before he gets away!

LW2: Be careful of pushing yourself too hard on someone who isn't interested in your friendship.

LW1 -
Yet another letter that starts with "wonderful, BUT"... We're not talking about a guy who leaves his socks and wet towels strewn about the house here. That's an annoying but manageable bad habit. We're not talking about a guy who likes to wear women's underwear under his business suit - THAT would be a quirk.

This guy is not wonderful at all, he is the addicted chain smoker of a substance that could give YOU cancer, and addicted to a hobby that could trash YOUR finances. Not to mention that, by your own admission, he's a computer chair potato and spends the better part of the day playing poker, which means you're essentially alone during all this time, while he's busy having a virtual relationship with a deck of cards.

So don't give me this yurunda about his habits not hurting you personally, this is In-Love-Betty trying to minimise. And addictions have a tendency to get worse, so if you find you "can't seem to get past" them right now, wait 'till they start to escalate or the glow of new love starts to fade - whichever comes first and possibly both at the same time. If he doesn't find you interesting enough to at least cut down on the time he spends with his habits now, how do you think you're going to win in the long run, when he's long taken you for granted?

Stop trying to convince yourself that these things aren't important. They're more than just important, they're crucial: this is your little inner voice speaking, and the part of you that's goo-goo-gaga in love doesn't want to listen. I strongly recommend that you do, otherwise I can promise you that you will live to regret it.

You say you believe in letting people be who they are. Fine. Well, for openers, addictions are not something people are born with. They are NOT part of someone's core personality - they are destructive behaviour that a person has chosen to indulge in at one point. And, as difficult as licking an addiction can be once you're caught in its nets, this destructive behaviour can also be chosen to be left behind, and many people have done it.

Second, regardless of what's part of someone personality and what's not, sometimes there are things about someone that are too potentially dangerous to compensate for whatever otherwise fine qualities he might have - reminds me of Lucy Van Pelt's pebble to a boulder comparison to Charlie Brown.

As a personal example, the ex LOML has an IQ of at least 140, has lived in numerous countries, has two Master's degrees, speaks 30 languages, and there isn't a country in the world whose geography, history and politics he can't discuss. He's also a cordon-bleu cook and spectacular in the sack. He is simply the most stimulating, interesting and brilliant man I have ever met.

BUT... big but. I could live with his tendency to brag, his disorganisation and his night-hawk circadian rhythms... but not his abuse, his problem with women, his foul temper and mouth, the leftovers of two untreated PTSDs, his untreated chronic depression and his tendency to self-medicate with booze. There is "good Iffa" and "bad Iffa", and bad Iffa can be particularly despicable when he's drunk - he can say and do horrible things and not even remember.

As spectacular and exceptional as his assets may be, STILL they are but a pebble compared to the boulder of his problems. Some things simply are not tolerable, no matter what else there is. Consequently, we are not together and never can be, unless something is done to fix the problems, which is not happening any time soon as far as I can see. And it's tragically sad, not just because of what is wasted that could have been built between the two of us (we could have been a power couple), but especially because of what it's done and still doing to his life and career.

So here is what you need to do: You sit him down and, in a non-confrontational and loving way, you explain the nature of the problems and how you can't share a life with someone carrying his set of boulders. If he is unwilling to start working to address the problems, then you have your answer as to what your future with him will be: always second fiddle to tobacco and poker, with the situation getting worse with passing time as health and finances deteriorate for both of you, because you don't really matter to him except as the resident ATM to feed his addictions.

You describe him as your partner. I hope this doesn't mean you've moved in with him. We're not talking about a normal and considerate smoker here, who'll get up and go smoke on the porch to spare you, but about someone who fills the house with toxic fumes for you to breathe day in and day out. Some people can be subjected to extreme second-hand smoke and never have a problem, while others need very little exposure to the same to develop cancer down the road. You can't know which one you'll be. Along with the gambling addiction, this is highly detrimental to you. MOVE OUT.

I will hurt - you're in love. But you're already having doubts for a reason: I can assure you that you'll suffer far more in the long run if you wait long enough to start hating him because he'll have ruined your life. Please don't - listen to that little inner voice: that's where the truth is.

Getting involved with this guy could be just one of those one-time mistakes people do in the course of their lives. But if, after a cooling down period, you meet someone else and find that you've fallen for yet another addictive personality with toxic habits, break it off immediately and find a therapist to find out why you keep going for losers.

LW2 -
Pushing people and friendships faster than they can go only succeeds in pushing away people the very people you are trying to seduce. Just be yourself, be nice to her (but not sucky) and hope to win her over in time. If that doesn't happen and she starts being nasty, find another group of friends. You don't have to bring yourself down to her level. You may want to be accepted but, if you're to preserve your own integrity and self-respect, not at any price.

Everything is dramatic and intense at your age and feels like the end of the world, but everything is also fluid and intemporal. In other words, the pain is acute but it doesn't last.

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@Bobaloo
You've got an example of someone using "partner" in a romantic context right in today's letter. Didn't have to wait for long! ;-D

"Spends a good part of each day playing online poker"
Doesn't he WORK? What money is he spending in this little habit?

Re: Chris
Why don't you knock off the constant diminutives; e.g. lady, sweetie, dear, honey, and quit being so damn patronizing in your replies. It's so effing off-putting and, I am convinced, makes those you "think" you are advising feel about two feet tall, worthless and pathetic. No one needs/wants to be patted on the head by you, you all-superior jerk!
You.
Are.
OBNOXIOUS!!

While I think she should dump this guy, I would like to point out that most poker sites have penny tables. He could be playing online all day and only be out $5/$10. I admit it is unlikely and if the habit bothers you that is fine, but it may not be total financial ruin.

Yup, I'm sure Chris is very concerned about how the person takes his comments. He wants them to feel good about themselves while he tells them they have been very stupid. Beyond that, some people always use those phrases while speaking. It is not meant to be condescending to e everyone.

Re: MT

Perhaps Chris is a southern belle, in which case I guess I can overlook his condescending implications. I'm trying to recall if I've ever seen him use these pet names for males to whom he imparts his infinite wisdom. BTW, MT, you may want to consult your dictionary as to the definition of 'phrase' vs. 'word', and, finally, aren't you the bright one for seemingly having an understanding of the operations of the minds 'everyone'.

Re: clemma
I dunno, today in particular Chris used "lady" towards LW1, and I've used that myself, especially towards someone in sore need of a reality check. As for calling LW2 "Sweetie", well, someone in middle-school is a child, so I don't see this as condescending. And she does sound like a sweetheart, don't you think? You can't prevent old ladies of my age group from feeling maternal, although that would hardly describe Chris... :-D

Knowing the power of them, I'm pretty sensitive to words, phrases, expressions, idioms and language in general, as this is the way we communicate. But I have found more to argue about in Chris' positions so far than in his wording.

But then, coming from someone (me) whose own wording has sometimes raised hackles here and there, I would suppose some could accuse me of tooting my own horn... ;-D

@ clemma

Oh thank you honey. Now be a good dear and go have a nice cocktail on this beautiful spring day.

What's interesting about LW1 is that you don't say ANYTHING about what you LIKE about this guy. Chris hit the nail on the head: you are in love with being in love.

As far as namecalling on the guy, he doesn't sound like someone I'd like to hang with, but it's not like he's cheating on her or abusing children, he's just made choices of entertainment and lifestyle that LW1 (and everybody else) doesn't like. Don't approach him as a "makeover" project, because he's a human being, not a house. Either you take him, warts and all, or you move on.

Re: Chris
Chris,
Maybe clemma should have a mint julep...

Re: Carly O
Well said, Dave. I might find the lifestyle of LW1's guy revolting, but if that is what he wants to be, it is his life. You do not get to change someone who does not want to change. Move on.

I am lucky that I am happily married to my husband whom I met when I was ten years old. We both dated others in between, but I really believe that you are better off alone than staying with someone you think is wonderful, except for the huge fact that he smokes and spends all his time gambling online. What is so wonderful about him?

Move on. Really, you will be better off alone for all of the reasons Lise outlined.

Re: Lise Brouillette (#9)

Actually, I just hopped on, and wasn't even thinking about the "partner" use today as the word comes up in LW1.

Oh well.

Here's my take – pretty much what I'm sure a lot of people are saying. If you can't stand the smoke or put up with the gambling (and there are MANY reasons not to), get out of the relationship. Pretty cut and dried situation here, anyway.

Besides, setting boundaries with someone like this is going to ... well, since I'm not in that kind of mood today, let's just say it'll lead to nothing but trouble.

LW2:

Be yourself and eventually, if it's meant to be that this friendship advances, you'll find common ground. Bide your time and wait. She'll come around, I'm sure. If she doesn't, then focus on the other girls in the group.

Oh please, Clemma, let's not make Chris' use of sweetie and honey into a feminist issue. Sorry, but it's people making mountains out of such molehills that really gives feminism a bad name. Now if you're really looking to score some equality between the genders, why don't you go fight pricing equality for male car insurance and male pensions, not to mention the inequality in research for men's cancers and suicide rates, oh, and perhaps you could do something about the massive inequality in male parental rights. That should give you enough to start with, although there's lots more. Oh, and I'm sure Chris would consider you a dear to go to bat for gay marriage and GLBT rights while you're at it.
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Seriously, Clemma, lighten up. Chris brings a lot of common sense, brevity, and downright fun to this forum. I don't always agree with him either, but at least I respect him. HE. IS. NOT. OBNXIOUS.

Re: Jane

Totally agree with you, Jane. I agree with Chris about 99% of the time, and I respect his views. I do think he is a tad obnoxious sometimes, but overall, I am a fan.

I always though Chris meant to be condescending with his "sweetie" and "honey". Most the rest of his posts are hilariously rude, so...just fits?

I agree that snarky put-downs are part of Chris' "schtick", and although his advice is often sharper than I personally would agree with, he generally has his heart in the right place. And what a boring comment board it would be if we all agreed and all spoke with the same voice and tone!

If it helps, just think of him as the bitchy-funny one of your coffee klatch or within your group hanging out at the bar after work.

Re: Jane
I actually called for some insurance quotes the other day, and was told that young female drivers have become more expensive than males.

LW 2: I'm in almost the exact same postioin as you.
I started school last year after being homeschooled for 11 years. I have two groups of friends: one with mostly boys, and one with all girls. The boys can be spiteful and mean, but at least I know they'll include me. The girls seem nice on ocaision, but they used to hang out in the back room of the library and hang out in large numbers (there are only supposed to be three library aides at a time back there) and them when I would try to join them they would say I couldn't come back there because only 3 people are allowed. The boys are mostly friendly (but use profane language, which I can get over) and without them I would be lonley at lunch. I have tried to hang out with other people to no avail (one boy who I've known since last year said he didn't know me, even though we have a lot of classes together) and it's never the same as when I hang out with the guys.
My point is, if you think that your normal group of friends is excluding you, try to group up with some other people. You might, for example, join the group of a close friend that' normally doesn't hang out with your other "friends". Ignore the're downs and be accepted with a group who will have your back for a live time.

-Been There

LW1: Are you desperate for a man? If not then I'm confused. You settle for a man you claim to be in love with but you don't really like because he does things that you don't approve of. Instead of expecting him to morph into someone you actually want to spend time with - why don't you just find yourself someone else to "love"?

LW2: You might want to consider finding other friends who don't herd like dumb animals. You sound like you actually use your mind - don't go slumming - stupidity is contagious.

LW3: Exactly.