Dear Margo® by Margo Howard

I have lived in Canada for 12 years and EVERYONE up here is like that about shoes inside. It's a habit ingrained by snowy winters. You can't drag in snow and mud all over the house. So we have inside shoes. You don't want cold feet either so I bring my inside shoes to other people's houses as well. Inside shoes are ones never worn outside that are obviously clean and have no heel, or cleat. Heels can damage flooring...so can some black bottomed tennis shoes. Those can leave black marks. If your hostess is not satisfied with this, socks maybe...but socks really ruin that cute dress more than the clean flats I'm suggesting. This does not mean wearing cruddy house shoes. Hope this helps someone....

I bet a nickel that LW and her stilettos are the REASON all her friends have been forced to institute a "no high heels" rule, disguised as a "no outdoor shoes indoors" rule, after tiring of accumulating pock-marks in expensive wood flooring.

LW, what Twee said, and also, applique a band of fancy embroidery to the inside of the bottoms of your pant-legs. Then when you take off your heels, slip on soft, stretchy little booties that go with your outfit, and turn up your pants in cuffs, revealing the pretty embroidery. Turn a bug into a feature.

Your real problem is you don't like being short. Read "Short: Walking Tall When You're Not Tall At All", by John Schwartz. Its target audience is short kids, but there's great stuff in there for the differently distinguished of all ages.

LW1: To Margo's excellent advice I would add only that it probably wouldn't actually kill you to be a good sport and go along now and then. These kids are people who are important to your beloved. Accepting them in your circle is a long way from becoming one big happy blended family. Think of them as in-laws.

I live in New York City and won't allow anyone into my apartment with their shoes on. Some folks do find it a hassle and will argue, but have you seen the streets of New York? I love where I live, but when you have a small space it is a bit horrifying to think of anything that has touched the streets touching your carpet or floors - and that includes the bathroom. Think about it -- you come out of the shower all clean and barefoot. Do you really want to walk around where the bottom of someone's shoes have been? I don't. Folks take it personal, but it is anything but. Having the shoes left at the door means I can sit on the floor, walk around barefoot, do my yoga videos and allow my cat to wander freely without wondering what has been dragged in, albeit perhaps unknowingly.

If you simply must wear shoes, bring a pair that have never been worn outside. I don't know about anyone else, but I wouldn't have any problem with that at all.

Usually, the remove-your-shoes girls have white carpets or are trying to live like the Japanese.
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Um, no. Margo, you've obviously never lived in the Snow Belt! In other areas, your statement MAY have been true 20 years ago. But today, more women are wearing stilettos heels and more homeowners are investing in hardwood flooring. And you've got a major magazine (Good Housekeeping, I think it was, that in the last 2 months advocated implementing this rule for cleanliness.

Khlovia nailed this one. There are cute fold-up flats you can tuck into your purse for just this kind of situation (even though they're marketed more for foot relief when you can't take another minute in the sky-high heels.

And LW, get at least a few of your going out pants hemmed to wear with flats. You're courting lifelong foot problems by insisting on trying to be tall.

LW1: Again, I'm with Khlovia. When people are important to your beloved, it reflects very well on you to be supportive. The kids are important to her (and she to them) -- asking her to cut them out of her life just because she originally came to know them through their father makes you look insecure and cruel. It's actually a very good sign for your future kids that she wants to remain connected to these kids.

You don't have to be one big happy family -- but an occasional dinner with the bunch (once every few months, you said?) looks to me like a pretty good deal. You give, what, 3 hours? of time making chitchat and seeing how the kids relate your girlfriend. You get: a happier girlfriend who doesn't worry that her presence without you is 1) harming your relationship and 2) misinterpreted by the ex's new sweetie 3) giving the kids the idea that she's getting back together with Daddy.

It IS like in-laws or maybe a partner's Christmas party or company picnic.

LW1: I agree there is a middle ground here -- you should go to these events *very* occasionally, perhaps one out of every three or four that your girlfriend goes to. And be a good sport about it; these children are obviously important to your girlfriend and for that reason alone they should be somewhat important to you, if only for her sake.

However, I think it's also reasonable for her to compromise and not expect that, when the two of you start a family of your own, that these two families will somehow "blend". If the two of you can be clear in your communication and navigate a compromise on this issue, your future will look brighter.

LW2: As in the column and BTL, there are multiple good reasons for the "no shoes inside" rule, and I think it would be far better for you to figure out a reasonable accommodation to the hostess' wishes in this case. Carrying "inside shoes" with soft soles may be sufficient. This rule is probably in effect for a legitimate reason, and you should be a good guest and follow the rules. Otherwise, if you can't follow the rules of the house, decline the invitation.

Yes, way up North everyone removes their shoes. There's always shoes at the door. Even the man who came to fix my oven was going to remove his shoes. (I let him keep them on.) Shoes used to be part of an outfit here, but they no longer are if you're going to someone's home. Bring some pretty slippers.

LW2 is awfully petty about appearances. Really, who cares how much taller your husband is than you? Most couples don't match in height, many are significantly different, and I've never, not once, heard anyone remark on height difference between partners.

And "taking care to coordinate appearances" as if every evening out is a carefully crafted fashion show? Trust me, unless you're wearing a fluorescent pink with orange and red polka dot pants and sporting green hair streaks, nobody is going to give a damn how "coordinated" you are. Furthermore, unless you're gluing yourself to your husband constantly at every social event, people aren't going to notice the height difference anyway, especially if you'll be sitting down most of the time.

Another option, especially for someone who "coordinates" their outfits so carefully, how difficult is it to get some shorter pants that won't be stepped on when heels are removed? It really can be done. Get over yourself, girl, and be polite about respecting peoples' rules in their own house...and if you don't want to respect them, don't go to their events.

Nowadays, they have those snap things that stick to the inside of your pant hem that can shorten your hem at a whim. Maybe LW2 should invest in some of those and a pair of slipper flats to carry in he purse.

LW1's girlfriend reminds me of my son's stepmom, Emma. Emma was with my son's father, Jesse, for about 5 years, and became part of the family. When Jesse and Emma split up, Emma came to me and asked if she could continue to be in my son's life, and I was delighted to say yes. Fast forward 10 years, and Emma is living in Newfoundland with her new boyfriend and his three kids, and flies my son out to visit twice a year. Emma's mom lives here in Calgary, and we see her at least once a month. Blood doesn't matter in my family. I think LW1 would benefit from having this extended family - I know my life has been considerably enriched by Emma and her family.

As far as I know, everyone takes their shoes off at the door up here in Canada. LW2, you wouldn't be wearing those heels in the snow up here, anyway. If someone brought nice inside shoes with or without heels to wear, I wouldn't have a problem with it, but then, I don't have hardwood floors.

LW1 -- A friend of mine was in a similar situation to yours (only with the genders reversed -- my friend is female, and it was her BF who remained involved in the lives of his ex's kids, though he was not the father). This is not as simple a situation as it seems. Margo is right that it is very sweet of your GF to maintain her friendship with the children and that children in these situations can have all sorts of abandonment issues, etc., when the adults in their lives separate. But she is not taking the long view of what happens if/when you and your GF have children of your own, if/when the ex marries someone else, etc.

In my friend's case, her then-BF continued to "do the right thing" by remaining involved in the ex's kids' lives. My friend was supportive of this and even occasionally went to their T-bll games, etc. Friend and BF get married and have a child of their own. Time spent with the other kids almost always meant time spent away from his own child (at least at first, when the baby was very young). Friend tried not to be a problem, but resented it when she was alone with the baby and he was off teaching one of the other kids how to throw a ball. On the one hand, my friend recognized that her husband's desire to "do the right thing" said great things about him as a person. On the other hand, she felt like he had enough other responsibilities pulling him in too many directions as it was, without his also feeling like he needed to continue to be there for those kids -- and she needed him to be there for HER and THEIR OWN child.

Eventually, the husband realized he really did have to choose. There really wasn't an easy way to "blend" the families -- there were just too many families to blend!

My heart breaks for the children in cases like these. I'm not sure there is one right answer. It's easy to tell LW1 to just suck it up and go -- but on the other hand, is he just going to end up being another adult who ends up "abandoning" these kids at some point? In Utopia everyone would get along great, and the LW's future kids would end up being great friends with the "old kids" -- but we don't live in Utopia, and since LW already doesn't want to be part of these kids' lives, the likelihood of something akin to Utopia happening here is pretty unlikely.

I had a lot of surgery on my feet and ankles as a child as I was born with club feet. As a result, I cannot walk comfortably in bare or stocking feet. I always bring a pair of "indoor only" shoes with me when I go to people's homes. That seems to solve the problem. Nevertheless, I do feel a lot of people are more attached to their flooring than to their friends, and the germophobes need to get over themselves. Unless you have a compromised immune system, a little dirt or dust from outdoors won't kill you.

LW2 -- your question was "How can I tell a hostess that I prefer to keep on my shoes?" You didn't ask WHY the hostess wants you to remove your shoes (because you probably know why). You didn't ask for ways to mitigate your issues with going shoeless. So, the answer to your question is: you simply tell the hostess, "I really prefer to keep my shoes on -- is it OK if I do?" As Margo suggested, if you do that, your hostess may well insist on your taking your shoes off, at which point you will have to decide whether you will take them off and stay, or take yourself off...to some other place.

As someone who used to live up north (Chicago area), I am well acquainted with "inside shoes" and "outside shoes." For a party where you really were getting all dolled up, you wore snow boots that would be removed at the door, and then you put on whatever shoes that went with your outfit -- and let me tell you, for every pair of stocking feet or soft-soled "house shoes", there was also someone who brought heels to change into -- and yes, those would be heels that had once (gasp!) been known to touch the ground outside at some other point in history but were dry.

I get that the streets are dirty (even when they're not wet). I get that certain shoes can mark up, scratch or dent certain types of floors. I also, however, get that when I invite someone to my home, they are my guest, and it's my job to make them comfortable, and while it is their job to be a good guest, that doesn't include protecting their host's floors at all costs. If you are that caught up with keeping your floors pristine (you know, if they get dirty, you CAN wash them -- granted, nothing you can do if actual damage has been done), perhaps you should not entertain at home.

We've spent a lot of time telling the LW that she's too concerned with her outfits, she's too concerned with being short, that she should spend the time and money to create pants that can be worn with or without heels and carry house shoes in her purse, etc., etc., etc. And by the way, I think these are all great ideas, I really do. But it seems like we're putting it all on her to do all these things, when she's the GUEST, who has been INVITED.

I have foot problems that make it extremely uncomfortable for me to NOT wear shoes (unless I am sitting down). I NEVER go barefoot in my house -- I have special house shoes that look like flip flops but that actually have orthotics built into them. So, even on the laziest of Sundays, you won't find me barefoot unless I'm on the couch. And if I'm on the couch, my "flip flops" are on the floor right next to me, so that when I have to get up, I can put them on first. I cannot wear the flexible flats that you can put in your purse, because they do not offer any support. In fact, ironically enough, I cannot wear flats, but I can wear heels, because heels have actual structure to them to support the foot that most flats do not have. I HATE it when I go to someone's house, and they ask me to take my shoes off. I always do it, because I feel it would be impolite not to (and again, I really do understand people's reasons for doing this), and then I just try to make a point of finding a place to sit down, so that I don't end up hurting my feet. But it's frustrating for me because sometimes it's not always so easy finding a place to sit down, and being relegated to sitting the whole time makes it more difficult to mingle, etc. My reasons for wanting to keep my shoes on are just as legitimate as their reasons for wanting me to take them off. And please don't tell me to bring my flip flops with me. For one thing, they don't easily fit in a purse, and for another thing, I don't always carry a purse -- and I don't always remember which friends have which rules, etc. I suppose next I will be told to make a note in my smartphone about which friends have the shoeless rule and which don't...

I think LW2 should tell her hostess she would prefer to keep her shoes on, and if the hostess still insists, then LW2 has to decide if she wants to stay or not. She should certainly consider all the great ideas listed here -- though she may find some of them, frankly, require more time, effort and/or cash (if she doesn't sew and has to take stuff to a tailor to do for her, for example) than it's worth.

@WinehouseFan -- You said it a whole lot more quickly and easily than I did. Granted, it doesn't sound like the LW has a serious medical reason for wanting to keep her shoes on -- for her, it's all about the esthetics. And I would certainly hope that if she did have medical reason, as you do, for needing shoes, that these hostesses with the mostests would understand. I once was invited to a house for a party where the host had just completely rehabbed the house, including painstakingly resurrecting hardwood floors that had been covered by carpet. This host was understandably proud of and a tad manic about his shiny floors. But to his credit, he had purchased slippers for all the guests, which were then "party favors" that each guest could keep. Now, those slippers were not comfortable for me (and certainly would not have worked for you), but I appreciated the fact that he had thought about the comfort of his guests and found it to be of equal concern to him as his floors!

LW1--What you have to understand is that for three plus years, your girlfriend was probably the only stable, reliable mother figure to her ex-boyfriend's three children. For her to carry on in that role after the relationship ended is commendable to her because while the children's father's girlfriends may come and go your girlfriend remains a constant for them and I'm sure they appreciate that more than you'll ever understand, obviously! While I can see your viewpoint to a certain degree, the fact that you'd sooner ditch the children for purely selfish reasons speaks volumes about your character. The fact that you were totally disinterested in accompanying your girlfriend to a simple awards ceremony and dinner afterwards is, frankly, pretty deplorable. I hope your girlfriend recognizes your true character and finds herself a boyfriend whose more sensitive and charitable when it comes to the welfare of three kids who will remember that your girlfriend attended their school events and awards ceremonies for the rest of their lives.

LW2--You should immediately comply with any host or hostess who kindly requests that you remove your shoes in their home. Aside from the practical reason of protecting light colored carpets, many shoes, heels in particular, can permanently damage or mar many types of floors. If the host doesn't provide his or her guests with a pair of house slippers for you to wear, then bring your own. If you know in advance that you may be asked to remove shoes, then plan your wardrobe accordingly. It's a small price to pay compared to the costs the host incurs to repair or clean a floor after your visit.

@WinehouseFan and Lisa,
It's not necessarily about the dirt, but it may be about the damage to the floor and carpets. I don't mind people wearing their regular street shoes in the house (I live in CA, so no snow here), but high heels - no way. My house has its original hardwood (oak) floors. Yes, I am attached to them - they are very beautiful. But.... the damage that stiletto heels can inflict upon them is rather costly and time-consuming to repair. Any woman who insists on wearing high heels inside my house and says that I am more attached to my flooring than to my friends is missing the other side of the same argument: apparently, she is more attached to her shoes than to her friends.
Incidentally, I assume that if both WF and Lisa have foot problems, they do not wear high heels.

I'll go one further. Here in Canada, it is almost unheard of to wear shoes indoors- we did in my family because we had an ancient farmhouse, but absolutely not in other places. And generally, we didn't wear "indoor" shoes either. Yup, my friends and I hung out in our socks. And I really never gave it any thought till now. Meh.

But she is not taking the long view of what happens if/when you and your GF have children of your own, if/when the ex marries someone else, etc.
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Eh, that long view ship sailed when LW's girlfriend moved in with them. The kids are attached now AND so is she.

To some extent, this does resemble what happens when a parent divorces, remarries and starts a second family. But one visit every 3 or 4 months is hardly remaining "involved" in their lives -- it's not teaching them to throw a ball or to garden, it's not attending T-ball games, it's not even the primary female figure in their lives. It's more the role of an aunt who remains interested in their lives but not involved as a parent. It's not "blending" the families, because LW's girlfriend no longer a member of their central family. A blend means you go to their holiday celebrations instead of having your own -- LW didn't address anything like that, and I'm sure he would have if she'd left him on Christmas or New Year's or Super Bowl Sunday.

My husband and I pursued our own individual interests, to some degree, even after we had 3 kids. Certainly more often than one every 3 or 4 months. I might attend a concert or a book club; he had rec league sports. I certainly didn't resent his nights out as time "stolen" from our kids.

Lastly, I think it's a more than a little cruel to call a halt to all interaction with these living, breathing kids who are attached on the grounds that it MIGHT cause problems to the LW's potential future kids with his potential wife. She may not be ready to settle down just yet; there may well be problems that mean those potential kids don't get born anytime soon, if ever. On the flip side, the existing kids may well adore LW's kids once born, and maybe, if the age difference works (I figure the youngest kid here is at least 7 now) turn out to be awesome babysitters and role models for his kids. Provided he gets a little less territorial about his GF. After all, they knew her first.

LW1: Every so often I read something from some entitled person who thinks they should do as they please. If you go to the house of someone who is Indian, you will most certainly take your shoes off, as it is disrespectful not to. Even as a student in college, we took our shoes off at home. I honestly don't understand why people wear shoes inside the house. May as well wear them when you sleep then, it's so ridiculous. Why not wear your winter coat at home too? Shoes are for OUTSIDE, so your feet don't get hurt or dirtied from the outdoor elements. Inside, you have carpeting or rugs. Who in their right mind would want to wear shoes that have trampled in dog-pee-infused puddles, pigeon crap, and god knows what else, and trudge through your own home with that?

If the host(ess) asks you to take off your shoes, then you do so. If you know a particular family insists on it, then dress accordingly, anticipating your shoes will be off. So your husband is taller than you, oh boo hoo hoo. What WILL you do, for goodness' sake? Buy a pair of pants that are hemmed for flats and wear them for this one occasion, and find another 1st-world problem to cry about. This is like a Park-Avenue problem.

You know, people started taking off their shoes at others' homes on a routine basis back in the '80s. So the practice has been around for 30 years by now, and it's become so common that I'd say most people expect to do it by now, or at least to be asked. The previous posters have offered many suggestions to bridge the gap between not wanting to be barefoot and not wearing shoes in a no-shoes house. And quite frankly I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to prevent damage to your house--why the hell would it be unreasonable? If you spent $5000 on a floor, would you seriously be okay with your friend denting it up with her high heels? Nobody would. Nobody would be okay with a friend who spilled her merlot on the Italian silk couch, or who weighed 300 pounds but insisted on sitting in the antique chair inherited from Grandma, or who picked up your first edition copy of a book and dog-eared the pages, or who borrowed your car and returned it with a big dent in the door.

If the hostess of this party is your friend, then surely you are on good enough terms to understand her motivations for keeping her floors in good shape, and you can either plan your outfit accordingly or politely decline to attend the party. It's a host's obligation to make sure their guests are comfortable, but it's a guest's obligation to respect the host and be a good guest. As the saying goes, good manners are the lubrication of society, and you're not off the hook just because your Manolos are extra-cute.

LW1-
"I want to be supportive, but I don't want to hang out like a big happy family."
Well, Buster, it's pretty much one or the other. You don't get to be supportive in words only, there has to be some legwork - and with feeling.

She has no financial or legal ties to them? How about LOVE ties? She has no financial or legal ties to YOU either, Siree, and you get to have her in your life because of those LOVE ties, get it?

I think you need to realign your values, and possibly develop some from scratch. If you really expect her to ditch these kids whom she loves, and who love her, just so she can start with a "clean slate" with you, then you're not looking for a companion, you're looking for a baby factory, and you confuse women with real estate property. I'm not sure I'm wishing you on her. She seems like a decent, good, loving woman while you come across as a self-centred, selfish jerk.

P.S.: "Clean slate" is generally used about some sinful past needing to be wiped out... and I notice that the first thing you say about this woman is that she was "in one other serious relationship aside from ours". Huh-huh. Pretty high in the order of what matters to you, heh? Do this woman a favour, Mister Clean Slate, and get yourself a virginal mail order bride. (And I feel sorry for HER...)

P.P.S.: What if the children were hers, and living with her ex for practical reasons? Would you expect her to ditch them too, so she could start with a clean record, sorry, slate?

P.P.P.S.: Yrrrch. Blpblpblpblpblp. I DON'T like you.

@Lisa
"Eventually, the husband realized he really did have to choose. There really wasn't an easy way to "blend" the families -- there were just too many families to blend!"
He had to choose because your friend resented the time he spent with them. If she could have found it in her heart to love them as well, there wouldn't have been "too much family to blend" - it would have been "the more, the merrier". There is never too much love in this world, or at least there shouldn't be...

As for me, one of the things that breaks my heart about being an ex to the LOML is that I was growing to love his children, and they were growing to love me. And now it's all gone. But then... HE was jealous.

LW2-
A visit to a friend's house is not supposed to be a stroll down the catwalk. What do you do? You get yourself a really nice pair of SLIPPERS, and you wear a dress or a skirt that coordinates with it. The world is not going to screech to a halt because your husband is suddenly visibly so much taller than you.

P.S.: What is the reason for your friend wanting to remove your shoes? She doesn't want your fashionable boots to track sleet and snow into the house? Carry a pair of fashionable shoes in a shoebag - problem solved. In warm country, doesn't want outside muck to pollute her floors? Then you can start shopping for a really nice, fashionable pair of mules, which come in heels. If heels are what she doesn't want in her house, well then it's the slippers. Look, it's her house, okay? Which do you prefer, your friend. or your stilettos heels? Don't accept it if you prefer your shoes to the invite.

@Robin
"you come out of the shower all clean and barefoot."
I live on a ground floor on a very busy street, and keeping the floors under control here is a challenge. I keep the bath mat folded and hanging on a pole, not on the floor - eeeeww. I put it on the floor three seconds before I step into the shower and it goes back on the pole right after I've stepped into my Scholls.

@Lisa
If you have difficulty remembering which friend has which rule regarding shoes, why don't you just ask them point-blank to remind you which is which when they invite you? Then you know if you need to take a shoebag with your flipflops in it with you!

I just think it is plain rude to invite someone to your house and then demand they remove their shoes, especially if you didn't tell them in advance so they could plan around it. What do you expect people to do? Always carry slippers in case someone wants them to take their shoes off? Always plan your outfit around going barefooted? Never wear nice clothes/shoes that you own because your hosts are nit-picky germaphobes? Crazy! I don't think I should have to pack an overnight bag every single time someone invites me to their house for dinner! If you don't like your expensive hardwood floors marred by heels, DON'T INVITE PEOPLE TO YOUR HOUSE! You can't expect to have people in your house and treat it like a museum at the same time. What's next, pictures of food and drinks so they can't drop it on the carpet and make a stain? Regardless of how clean you THINK your house it, it probably isn't as sanitary as you believe unless you constantly wash your hands, spray counters and mop with bleach multiple times per day. Even then, germs are still left behind and you carry them in with you every single day, shoes or not. For that matter, if you can't understand why someone DOESN'T want to remove their shoes and get YOUR germs on their bare feet, you are being a bad hostess. Next time this happens, I would whip out a pair of sweatpants or PJ's and change into them. If you are going to be treated like an inconvenient slob or typhoid Mary and you are raining on their hospital clean parade, why not dress and act the part? And be careful not to sneeze or cough. You might end up with a can of Lysol being sprayed into your face. I swear, if it is that inconvenient to host me in your house AT YOUR INVITATION, I just won't come next time. I don't want to be accused of disturbing the museum of perfection you call your home and I would be uncomfortable to feel like I am being watched the entire evening like a toddler.
FYI, I, for one, prefer to be barefoot so it isn't a problem for me most of the time except I might be cold and forget to bring socks. But, here in California, I don't get much of this shoe removal business. I would assume that those living in snowy areas would have a plan B for their dirty shoes (like snow boots or something) that can be worn over their shoes and then removed. Also, don't these houses have mud rooms for just that reason?
To the poster in NYC who says the streets are filthy - geez, you mean they don't steam clean and sanitize the streets like the do everywhere else? The floor and the ground are were dirt resides so it is not your guest's fault , it's gravity's. Barefoot or not, there are germs on your bathroom floor just from brushing your teeth and flushing the toilet, so don't comfort yourself with the knowledge that you feet are squeaky clean after a shower. Kitchens are also notoriously nasty. To assume that your guests are the only ones bringing nastiness into your house is like saying your sh*t doesn't stink. We all carry germs and not just on our feet. Do you also require that all guests wash their hand immediately upon entering? Remove their coats/gloves and put them in sanitary boxes so no germs from them are spread around the house? It is impossible to protect yourself completely from dirt and germs and the sooner you learn that, the happier and healthier you will be instead of neurotically worrying that someone brought in some mystery dirt. Exposure is the best way to build immunity (note the increase in allergies among children in super clean houses.) Your bathroom floors are probably not much cleaner than the outside sidewalk and I, for one, don't want to walk in YOUR filth in MY bare feet! Disgusting.

Sorry for the run-together paragraphs. The extra spaces got removed after I hit Post.

Wow, Julie, that was quite the rant.

For starters, in my culture and many others, it is considered RUDE to not remove your shoes. It doesn't have anything to do with germs - it is the custom here. And no, I don't have a "mud room" - I live in an apartment, and don't want wet and/or muddy footprints tracked through and soaking into the carpet to be enjoyed later.

I'm not getting what exactly is the big hairy deal about you taking your shoes off - it's much more comfortable in sock feet, except, of course, for those like Winehouse Fan, who require support for their disability. Someone like her would, of course, be accommodated accordingly here, and I'm sure she'd be smart enough to bring her special shoes in a bag. And what is the big deal about carrying a bag, for goodness sake? Princess, much?

My place, my rules. Get over your bad self, for goodness sake.

Julie, this is kind of funny. I remember almost EXACTLY the same kind of outraged defiance 30 years ago from smokers who were aghast that hosts had the effrontery to request that guests not light up cigarettes indoors. Bet if someone searched old columns from Ann Landers or Dear Abby in the 1980s, they'd find those letters, along with those from hosts who didn't want to appear ungracious, but found the lingering odor in their carpet, furniture and clothes offensive.

Today, of course, these kinds of letters are all but obsolete. Usually only from people wondering how to tell relatives their home is smoke-free.

Oh, and the fold-up flats I mentioned earlier sell for $12.99 at Walgreens (they're made by Dr. Scholl's) and fit into a wristlet that easily fits in a purse. The reviews on the walgreens site includes reviews from clubgoers and bridesmaids who tucked them into evening bags. No luggage needed.

I have white carpets and hardwood floors, and sometimes people will kick off their shoes automatically. I warn them--we've got an occasional scorpion, so they might want to keep their shoes on. I can't go barefooted because of plantar fasciitis.

The person who invents some kind of welcome mat that washes the soles of shoes will make a fortune. If it were that big of a deal with me, I'd keep some of those disinfecting wipes by the front door and have people clean off their shoe soles, or maybe those foot covers that workmen wear.

I lived next door to somebody years ago who demanded that people take off their shoes (I'm in Texas, so snow and slush is pretty rare). She said it "saved so much work." Well, she vacuumed every day, so I didn't see that it saved any work. One day, her apartment reeked of burning plastic. She'd vacuumed a live coal from the fireplace, because she was so persnickety about keeping everything clean, RIGHT NOW! Her vacuum was ruined.

I didn't say anything, but I thought it was funny.

Re LW 1,

Yes, it's thoughtful and sweet that your girlfriend wants to remain a part of these kids lives. But, since you're talking about long range plans with her, you should start talking about long range plans about how you're going to raise your own kids with her. Find out how she envisions her life and how she plans to maintain a relationship with you (adult couples need time together without any kids, as well as time alone, and time alone with each kid). You both need to start planning for this sort of thing and it very well could be a deal breaker.

Kids do process rejection differently than adults do, but, maybe slowly distancing herself *now* isn't a bad idea. She needs to think about how she's going to make the transition from psuedo-mother figure to family friend. Maybe she needs to start with slowly scaling back her involvement with these kids lives so she can get on with her own life.

Re: Barbara B.
I guess Julie feels anyone above the 42nd parallel is a nitpicking germaphobe who should simply redo their floors every six month, just for the privilege of enjoying her stabbing heels. Maybe she smokes too!

Here in Montreal, even the Hydro guy come to read the counter offers to remove his shoes - even when they're dry.

P.S. Julie - Don't do to Japan and don't visit Muslim homes.

Maybe she needs to start with slowly scaling back her involvement with these kids lives so she can get on with her own life.

Ummm, Shannon? How is attending an event once every few months (as per LW) interfering with her getting on with her own life? To my mind, she HAS scaled back and gotten on with her own life, to the point where she is functioning more as an aunt than a parent.

I am going to my nephew's basketball game in about an hour; I last saw him at Christmas. Time for me to scale back my involvement in his life so I can get on with mine??

Re hedgehog, 30:

My bad, I misunderstood just how involved (or uninvolved) the LW's girlfriend was in this letter. I did not realize that her involvement was all ready fairly minimal. I came away from the letter with the mistaken impression that the LW was seeing these kids a lot more frequently.

@#25, Barbara B. - Since I don't live in the snow, I don't know much about it but I do understand your situation. I think people are used to having to do something else or bring clean shoes if yours are filthy. I am talking about a normal clear weather day with no unusal circumstances. It is a big deal to tell me that my normal clothing is offensive to you. I LOVE to be barefoot AT HOME, not in other places. Also, it can be extremely uncomfortable to slide around on a polished hardwood floor in socks, trying not to spill your drink while you slip. The same goes for little slippers with soft soles. When I get home, my feet are killing me from the pounding and trying to grip the floor and stay steady all night. Why do you have to be so controlling over you guests attire? It's not a command perfomance for the queen. Give me a GOOD reason and advanced notice and I will do my best. But to take away my shoes at the door without warning is obnoxious.
@#26, heghog - "Julie, this is kind of funny. I remember almost EXACTLY the same kind of outraged defiance 30 years ago from smokers who were aghast that hosts had the effrontery to request that guests not light up cigarettes indoors." This isn't second hand smoke. It is SHOES, which are a NECESSARY part of your clothing. You could say the same thing about simply breathing - it contaminates the air with your germs. If you are having a party, most people like to wear their nice clothes, like the LW. So, in order to preserve the integrety of your home, she must constantly trip over and ruin her pants by letting them drag? Shoes are not the same as 2nd hand smoke unless you are going to rub your hands on them and put them in your mouth. Or lick the floor. To wait until someone shows up at your door and then tell them that they are too gross to come in with their shoes on, is rude and insulting. What's next, your pants? Because, after you take off your shoes, they are now dragging on the ground picking up dirt? Maybe you should also hand out surgical masks or radiation suits so they don't bring any germs into your sterile (ha!) environment. Might make it a little difficult to eat, but so what, that's the price you must pay in order to be a guest in their home. The hosts are supposed to be accomodating to their guests, not require a complete sanitation from the health department as a requirement to attend. Guests should not have to bend over backwards to make sure their hosts home is kept sterile at all times. If you are afraid of germs, why ask people over in the first place? Or, at least, provide them with a list of do's and don't and let your guests decide if you are too high maintenance and if they WISH to attend such a party.
#29, Lisa - "P.S. Julie - Don't do to Japan and don't visit Muslim homes." That is a completely different story and not what the LW was talking about. If you know IN ADVANCE that this is a custom, you can plan around it. But to show up at a party and being told to remove your shoes in order to enter is rude. If there is a dress code, it should be communicated. She can then decide to wear something different or to decline the invitation. She should not have to carry around a 2nd outfit and slippers to every dinner party just in case someone demands their shoes at the door. I have been to homes, wearing only soft flats, where all the host did was worry and caution people about their floor and scream if there is a single scratch. It makes for a very uncomfortable situation for everyone and I resent being treated as one of their children who must be reprimanded for my behavior (i.e. walking on the floor like a normal person.) If you have hardwood floors and don't want heel marks, invest in some throw rugs and runners to use for parties or DON'T HAVE PEOPLE IN YOUR HOUSE. I also don't want your personal bathroom germs or meat drippings on MY clean feet! Shoes are meant to keep your FEET clean.
@#27, Joannakathryn - "She said it "saved so much work.'" Hilarious. This is what I am talking about. They want to have a party but don't want anyone bringing in dirt to their cleanliness museum and expect the guest to take the brunt of their OCD. If you don't like the mess, don't host a party! Maybe it would be easier for her if she also made each person cook their own individual meal at their own home, bring it in a sterile container, wash their own dishes and take their own trash before they leave. That would really save a lot of work!

UGG! I hate it when it runs my paragraphs together. It makes it so hard to read.

This isn't second hand smoke. It is SHOES, which are a NECESSARY part of your clothing.
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Um, no. 30 years ago, secondhand smoke was an unheard of phrase. There were people whose respiratory systems were irritated by cigarette smoke, but just as often if not more often the reason cited was the odor that clung to drapes, carpets, furniture and necessitated cleaning. Smokers, of course, thought this was all made up or greatly exaggerated. (Kind of like your insistence that you'd need a suitcase to lug a pair of fold-up flats.

Point being -- when it's your house, you have the right to not serve alcohol, to not allow dancing, to serve only vegan meals, to not serve guests under 3 or 5 or 9 years old food on your grandma's antique china, to not even use your grandma's antique china with adult guests, to say grace, to request that people take their shoes off at the door upon entering. You can even request that guests not wear perfume to your home.

Your guests have the right to decline your hospitality under the conditions they set forth. I'd suggest that it's very considerate if you're going to ask people to remove shoes at the door, to keep on hand a supply of unopened sock-slippers that you offer your guests -- floors can be cold and a lot of people wearing Crocs don't bother with socks.

To get paragraph breaks that make your posts easier to read, you may want to compose in word-processing software, then copy and paste into the comments window. This will cut down on the time this site thinks you're taking to compose your post, which seems to be a factor in giving the run-together appearance. For me, anyway.

Shannon @34 - I think several people came away with that impression, too, either because LW was alarmed enough to write to an advice column or because they were reading into it examples they had seen IRL that involved considerably more involvement.

My gut says he's objecting to this because it forces him to remember, three to four times MORE each year, that his girlfriend had a romantic life before theirs began. a year, that his girlfriend had a romantic life before they met. He can't pitch a fit over her seeing him through work, but he wants to cut out any extra socializing, and he's willing to throw those kids under the bus out of ignorance or arrogance. I'm hoping the former.

@Julie
So the lack of an advance warning is what sets you off to such a rant? My oh my, why do you invest such an amount of anger in such a trivial matter?

Just I like I always carry a book in case I have to unexpectedly wait somewhere, tissue paper in case I sneeze or bleed for some reason, band-aids and a few other such essentials, I also carry some fold-up flats. What's wrong with being prepared? I find it infinitely better than demanding official notice of everything and shooting my blood pressure 30 points when it's not forwarded.

And like Hedhehog also pointed out, it's her home, and YOU'D be the one being rude by making demands.

Am I the only one here who has NEVER been asked to remove shoes in someone else's home, even though I've lived 40 of my 50-some years in snowy climates?

Some friends, of course, are so close (we call them Chosen Family) and the visits so informal that taking off my own shoes when theirs are already off comes naturally. DH and I routinely shed our shoes when dressing down after work or a night out...but put them back on again if we're expecting company, or even expecting the maintenance man!

It only took ONCE to find out how expensive and time-consuming it can be to get stiletto-pocks out of hardwood floors (AAAAAAAARGH!) which is why for the past 35 years I have not lived anywhere with hardwood floors :) If you insist on them, however, try investing in a set of inexpensive carpet-runners to be put down when guests are expected.

I have to comment about the wearing of the shoes inside the house. I live in Canada, and believe me, when you go to someone's house you do NOT keep your shoes on, no matter what you are wearing, no matter what season. It is a matter of politeness that you remove your outside shoes at the door and that is that. Some people bring slippers if they want, but normally people just walk around in their socks. Personally that is MUCH more hygienic than walking around in your outside shoes where you may have stepped on (or in) any of----the road, the dirt, the snow, the mud, the dog poo, the dirty sidewalk, etc.