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Dreams of "What If?"
Dear Margo: I'm a 20-something woman engaged to the best man I've ever known. I am beyond ecstatic to be getting married. My problem has nothing to do with him and everything to do with a guy who was one of my best friends in college. This guy and I …Read more.
Afraid of Little Girls
Dear Margo: Between the ages of 6 and 10, I was severely bullied, but I was given the impression by grownups that such behavior was perfectly normal for children and I shouldn't be so sensitive. (I now realize they probably did not pay attention to …Read more.
Every Problem Does Not Have a Solution
Dear Margo: Many years ago, I got a call informing me that my son was arrested and being held on $1 million bail. That was when I first learned that he is a pedophile.
He has just completed his 20-year prison sentence, and during that time I learned …Read more.
When You Live on a One-Way Street
Dear Margo: My patience has run out with the three living members of my family. My father, his mother and my brother have gone through periods of not talking to each other or to me. My brother wants nothing to do with my father or our grandmother, …Read more.
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Men in the Clink and the Women Who Love Them ... Next on "Jerry Springer"
Dear Margo: I am a 33-year-old woman. For the past nine months, my 20-year-old cousin "Amy" has secretly been dating a 29-year-old known drug dealer and gang member. They were only together for two months before he landed in the county jail for cocaine possession and running from the cops, which is where he sits today. He has served at least one other prison term. It is completely out of character for Amy to date this type of guy, which explains why she keeps him a secret from the family. She's begun confessing bits and pieces to my sister, "Megan," and me, and what she is saying is not good. Megan and I see obvious holes in his claims about why he's in jail and why his court-appointed lawyer quit. His family will do nothing to help him, so he asked Amy to hire a lawyer for him! Luckily, due to her lack of credit, no bank has agreed to give her a loan. Megan obtained a copy of his criminal record that dates back to high school and includes an assault on a public servant. Now we are seriously considering confronting Amy with his record. I am willing to risk her anger if it means she might wake up and get away from this creep. So my question to you is: Should we confront her or step back and let her learn from her own mistake? — Torn in Texas
Dear Torn: You know, I never got why women choose to annex themselves to criminals, especially ones that are in the can. I doubt very much that showing "Amy" pictures of this man with his hands around someone's neck would even change her mind. She cannot be blind to the circumstances surrounding this unfortunate, so confront her if you like, but don't expect much. With luck, she will outgrow her save-a-felon phase. — Margo, gloomily
What Is Wrong with This Picture?
Dear Margo: I recently met a wonderful man online. He's kind, smart, funny, financially responsible, empathetic, a good listener … all the things a woman could ask for. As the saying goes, if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. Well, he told me on our first date that he is a Mormon (converted as an adult), and that he believes in remaining chaste until marriage. He also said he's not looking to get married anytime soon. He's been married twice, had a child with wife No. 1, and No. 2 died a while ago. We've gone out a couple of times since, and I am starting to have feelings for him. He's beginning to seem like a good emotional fit for me. We are both in our 40s, and I don't want to wait two or three years to see where this goes. I respect his values, but can't imagine waiting until we marry to have sex. What's the best way to talk to him about this? — Rocky
Dear Rock: In English. This man may be all the things a woman could ask for — except two: He doesn't want to get married, and he doesn't want to have sex. He has been upfront about these subjects, so if you seriously do not want to hang around taking his emotional temperature, tell him these two announcements are deal-breakers for you. I am not in favor of being at the mercy of anyone who makes declarations and leaves no room for compromise. Granted, I am no theologian, but I would guess that "no sex till marriage" is meant for those who are approaching marriage for the first time. And do parse this sentence: "He also said that he's not looking to get married anytime soon." — Margo, undeniably
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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to dearmargo@creators.com. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.
COPYRIGHT 2009 MARGO HOWARD
DISTRIBUTED BY CREATORS SYNDICATE, INC.
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Comments
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9 Comments | Post Comment
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Well, you'd be wrong. It condemns sex outside marriage--period. You don't seem to understand that Christians cannot compromise their faith for anyone. It is not that we are "either-or" dominants. It is that what the Bible says is the truth we live by with no exceptions. There are laws of nature and physics. You put a pan of water over a burner on the stove. You leave it there long enough, it boils. If you cease eating and taking in liquids indefinitely, you die. Most people understand those truths. Well, the Bible is as absolute as those facts. So no, there is no room for compromise.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Pam
Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:27 AM
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The only thing worse than a man who misleads a woman about his intentions is a woman who ignores a man when he tells her upfront exactly what his intentions are. There are millions of great guys who want to get married and even more who want to have sex with someone they like. Please go looking for one of them. Leave this poor man alone.
Comment: #2
Posted by: BB
Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:16 AM
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Re: Pam -- I agree that Christians are taught to not have sex with anyone they're not married to. My question is why he's involving himself with this woman when he's newly converted to Mormonism. Perhaps it's just that I'm not a Morman and not all that knowledgable about their practices. Most people who convert to a religion voluntarily do so out of a strong belief in that particular religion. Most new converts to a religion that I know usually restrict their dating to people who also belong to their new religion. It's obvious that this lw is not a true Christian. She certainly isn't a Mormon. So why is this guy dating her? It just doesn't make sense. -------- Margo's comment about not being a theologian is an understatement. She seems to know less about religion, certainly less about the Bible, than anyone I've ever met. (Even my 8 year old grandson knows more; he knew more by the time he was 3.) She should refrain from making any comments whatsoever regarding religion. She ends up with "egg on her face" every time.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:22 PM
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LW1: Go ahead and show your cousin this guy's criminal record. She may be angry with you over this but I think it's a chance you need to take. You'll never be able to forgive yourself if you withhold this information and she marries the guy. All too often, people don't give others bad news about the people they are involved with. They don't tell the wife about her husband cheating or the man about his fiancee sleeping with another guy. They all talk about it behind the person's back but no one will come forward with the information because it's "not their business" or they don't want to become involved. My nephew's fiancee was cheating on him even before the wedding. He caught her in the act of cheating just weeks later. His friends all knew and none had the guts to tell him before the wedding. It would have saved him the humiliation and the cost of a divorce if they'd stuck their noses in and told him what everyone else knew. So go ahead and tell your cousin the truth about the "man" she's dating.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Pat-tricia
Sat Jun 13, 2009 9:16 PM
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Errr, no. It's about not fornicating. About not having sex with someone until you are married to them. It's not about whether or not there's blood on the sheets when you gett married to your first spouse. I maybe would refrain from making theological comments, if you haven't researched them first.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Court
Mon Jun 15, 2009 9:51 AM
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I think what Margo meant by "I am not in favor of being at the mercy of anyone who makes declarations and leaves no room for compromise" is not that she thinks the Morman man should compromise his beliefs, but rather that the woman dating him should not feel restricted because of them. The woman feels trapped because she likes the guy but his values are not condusive to her own interests in this relationship. I think the woman should simply tell the man how she feels and they will both come to some kind of conclusion. I don't think she should leave him altogether without having discussed this first, especially since they seem so compatible in other respects. Also, the fact that he does not want to be married has no bearing on his religious beliefs, which I think Margo also pointed out: It is a secular choice to stay single rather than marry. So be more careful readers next time you decide to throw someone the wet noodle, or cast the first stone.
Comment: #6
Posted by: Marie-Claude
Thu Jun 18, 2009 1:12 PM
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I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, commonly called LDS church, or Mormons. It is NOT that you just dont have sex until your first Marriage, It is that you do not have sex with anyone that you arnt married to! That means no sex with anyone other then your spouse, This man said he wasn't going to have sex again until he is married, that does NOT mean that he is going to have sex just because he was married before! Besides that, if he chooses to abstain from sex for religious, or even personal reasons, who are you to judge him? He was honest about it and she just cant accept it. She is trying to pressure him into something that he doesnt want to do, and is uncomfortable with. She is the one who is wrong here, even if its just because she refuses to listen to him and respect his choices. It would be different if he was telling her that and then she found out he was sleeping around behind her back.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Else Cole
Sat Jun 20, 2009 5:58 PM
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Re: Pat-tricia
For the most part, I agree with you. But the LW says he converted as an adult, not necessarily that he is newly converted. My brother became a Mormon as an adult...41 years ago. When he first converted, he was extremely rigid in his views and found a way to turn every conversation around to all the reasons the rest of the family should convert. Over the years, he has relaxed, and it could be the same for LW's friend. As to why he dates outside his religion...I don't know. Maybe they live in an area where there are few other Mormons, and he doesn't have much choice.
I wish the LW the best, but really think she would be better off ending this relationship and finding someone with whom she is more in tune. Their differences are not going to magically go away.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Shirley
Mon Feb 14, 2011 7:58 AM
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LW1: Show her all the facts and let her do with it what she will but make it clear you will not be assisting her financially to help this loser.
LW2: I don' t think it matters about which marriage it is (1st or 10th), no sex when not married, period. I don't believe in that myself but to each their own. My dad remarried a few years ago, and he joined the church my stepmother belonged to. Their minister told them if he heard of them living together or having sex before marriage that he would not marry them. They waited (they were 70 and 58) until they married which I think is nuts. I think it was very wrong of their minister to push his beliefs (rules) onto them. I don't know if they would have had sex before or not, not my business, but my dad made a point of telling me about it so I figure he would have rather not have waited but as he was finding religion again (why do so many old people get super religious when they get old and closer to death?) In any case this guy is not interested in marriage, dump him and move on. You might want to let him know you really do like him and see a future but really don't want to wait 4-6 years waiting for him to want the same things as you do. I can see 2 years or so if you know he would like to marry again but sounds like this guy is gun shy, especially after 1 divorce and 1 death. Funny how he believes in divorce but not sex before marriage.
Comment: #9
Posted by: L
Tue Oct 4, 2011 6:33 AM
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