Dear Margo: I am 18 years old and a college student living at my school, a prestigious college in a large city near my hometown. I am seeing (and sleeping with) a 25-year-old guy who treats me very well.

The problem is, my family hates him. He's older than me, has no college degree, no job, and frankly, they find his dress and grooming shocking (piercings, multicolored hair, etc.), but he's an intelligent, sweet person. We've been together about six months, and as soon as my mother found out we were having sex, she threatened to have him arrested (I was 17 then) and not pay for my schooling.

I was insulted at being treated like a child because it was none of her business. I faked breaking up with him to her and my dad, and it seemed to work. Lately, I'm not so certain. My dad told me, "You're free to bring home anyone you like for dinner over winter break," and my mom even caught me talking with him online!

What should I do? No one here is about to confront me, it looks like, but they all know. It's like an elephant sitting in the corner whenever someone asks me about my life and my friends. It might make things easier if I was honest, but my boyfriend is against me telling them, because in his words, "What is there to gain by telling them except a chance to get punished again?"

I'm the oldest child in my family, and they've always had very high expectations for me, which he is not meeting, apparently. Should I just tell everyone? — Found-Out Sneak

Dear Found: This chap does not sound, as they used to say, very promising. It is nice that he treats you well, but no degree, no job, piercings and plaid hair would naturally not endear him to your parents . . . or anyone's parents, come to think of it. And I would not agree that the sexual activity of a person — a 17-year-old person — is none of her mother's business.

Now that you are 18, I would suggest you follow your instincts and fess up to what you think everyone knows anyway. "Honesty is the best policy" did not get to be a cliche for nothing. Face the situation and deal with it. You are free to associate with whomever you like, though I do get the idea that even you may not think this romance is for the long haul.

Dear Margo: About twice a year, I am invited to a dinner party through work. These are semi-formal occasions at a nice restaurant, where visiting researchers are entertained. (I work for a nonprofit institution.)

Naturally, the invitation includes an RSVP requesting the name of a spouse or guest. Well, I don't have a spouse or guest, and may not be having one for some time. The details of that situation concern my recovery from major depression. I have few friends and none suitable for business occasions. I could invite a co-worker, but somehow that doesn't feel right.

So, the question is: How big a faux pas is it to accept such invitations without a guest? Sometimes I feel other people are annoyed by my not bringing a date, or perhaps there have even been ruminations that I'm a closet lesbian afraid to come out! I don't mind going alone, as that is my situation, but it does seem to make others uneasy. — Surviving Depression

Dear Sur: From my experience, I don't think a host, especially for a business-related function, particularly cares if people bring companions or don't. Given the per-plate cost of restaurant parties these days, your employer might even be pleased!

I think perhaps you have magnified the meaning of your going solo to these events. It is in no way a faux pas, and you are probably assigning uneasiness to others where there is none. So next time, go — alone, if that's what's comfortable — and don't give it a thought.

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.