Is there a law saying you have to give gifts to the people you work with?

Absolutely. It's called the law of the jungle.

I'm not saying that a gift will pacify the bloodthirsty predators who roam your office, but it certainly couldn't hurt.

Or could it?

Like many of the employed and confused, I get my gift-giving advice from Alison Green, whose "Ask A Boss" column appears in The Cut.

"Should I give my boss a holiday gift?" is the "Q" that starts off her most recent Q&A. Her "A" is, I fear, rather naive.

"Gifts at work should flow downward, not upward," Green says. "Otherwise, an employee might feel pressured to purchase presents for a manager."

To which I say, "Well, duh."

Perhaps you are fortunate enough to have a boss who considers their ability to browbeat you to a pulp at the drop of a deadline to be a sufficient gift, but I wouldn't count on it. Most managers also want bling.

Determining the correct level of bling is easy. Use the same charts that show the traditional gifts for wedding anniversaries. You know: first year, paper; second year, cotton; third year, divorce. (Makes perfect sense. How long do you want to stay in a relationship with someone who celebrated your first two anniversaries with a lottery ticket and a Q-tip?)

When considering anniversaries with your manager, add 20 years to the actual number. This is because being wedded to your boss will age you at least 20 years for every year you spend together. Or simply default to the 50-year gift: gold.

Imagine the joy on your boss' face when they find a 24-karat gold ingot in their inbox. But let's face it: gold just sits around, gathering dust. A more exciting 50th-anniversary gift would be cryptocurrency. More economical, too. Last time I looked, a one-kilo hunk of gold will set you back some $59,000. For the same money you could buy three and a half bitcoins, or 45 ethereum, or 578,999 dogecoins.

Think of the nail-biting interactions you and your boss will experience as you follow your roller coaster of a crypto gift as it rises and sinks, but mostly sinks, along with your career.

When gifting co-workers remember that your goal is to intimidate the recipient. A gift certificate for a local gym sends a wonderful holiday message: the recipient is a physical wreck and needs to shape up, stat. A gift certificate for an appointment with a personal shopper, to bring their wardrobe into the current decade, sends the same felicitous message, as does a gift certificate to a psychiatrist, the better to resolve the giftee's deep psychological problems that are obvious to everyone except them.

Books also make wonderful gifts. Bought in bulk, I can offer you a special discount on my own soon-to-be published, totally terrifying volumes, including "Guess Who Is Being Fired? You!"; "From Dumpster to Tabletop"; and "You're Not Paranoid: Everyone Really Does Hate Your Guts."

If you're feeling budget-conscious, and focusing on giving gifts to yourself, which you certainly deserve, consider a homemade present. Who wouldn't enjoy a jar of your famous moose-tongue marmalade? (Don't like the recipient? Give them two jars.) If you're an artistic person, a framed portrait would be a welcome gift, especially if the person portrayed in your portrait is you.

Unfortunately, these gift-giving strategies will not work if your company forces you to participate in a sinister "Secret Santa" ritual. As a secret Santa, you are assigned a person to whom you must give a gift, but your identity is kept secret. This means you don't get blamed for a cheesy gift, which is good, but you don't get credit for a great gift, which is bad.

The solution is simple. If the cheesy gift is also tasteless and wildly inappropriate, circumvent anonymity by accidentally including a receipt with the name of someone from marketing. It will never be questioned. If it's a great gift, put your name on it. This strategy is especially effective if you add a couple of zeros to the amount you paid.

Hopefully, this will help you handle the nightmare before Christmas in the office, where not a creature is stirring, except the merry Human Resources mice who are busy turning out what could be the most popular gift of 2022: a notice of termination.

We have not discussed what to gift the ever-caring HR professionals, who make your work life so special.

How about a first-class ticket to Zanzibar? One way, of course.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: mr_sweetis at Pixabay