Am I being paranoid?

In the same week that Amazon announces it is firing 14,000 workers, The New York Times runs an article with the headline, "Amazon Plans to Replace More Than Half a Million Jobs with Robots."

You see the connection. At Amazon and, I'm sure, at other businesses across the country, humans are out and robots are in.

It's inevitable, right? Robots don't need vacations or weekends or lunch breaks. They also don't require healthcare, and, most pleasing of all to managers, they never complain. You plug them in and they go to work.

Personally, I think it will be wonderful to have robots do all our work, freeing us to lounge around, sipping Mandarin Marshmallow Celsius and contemplating our navels. Heaven! But until we get to that worker's nirvana, there will be a difficult period of adjustment, when humans and robots have to work side by side.

Amazon is trying to get ahead of the conflict by calling its robots "cobots." It's a lovely gesture, but it won't solve the problem. It's hard enough getting along with your human co-workers. Imagine the problems you'll face sharing your workplace with robots.

I can't teach you how to like robots, but I can provide five strategies you'll need to make robots like you, at least, until they decide to kick you to the curb and run the show by themselves. (Can you blame them? Humans can be so ... so ... human.)

No. 1: Robots Have Feelings Too

Want to develop a close working relationship with a robot? Treat it like a person. It isn't easy making nice to a collection of chips, wires, motors, wheels and claws, but trust me, a pat on the manipulator arm and a heartfelt, "Thanks, good work" will go a long way to turning a machine into a pal. Personal interactions can also be great icebreakers. Do you chat with co-workers about the makeup tips you get from TikTok influencers? Your cobot is not interested in trying your favorite new moisturizer, but it will definitely appreciate a spritz of WD-40.

No. 2: Take a Robot to Lunch

The life of a robot does not have to be all work and no play. Include your robot when arranging after-work meet-ups at bars and restaurants. Put a mike in its end effector and crank up the karaoke machine. Pink Floyd's "Welcome to the Machine" or Rufus Thomas' "Funky Robot" are excellent song choices. Just like your human co-workers, a robot is not likely to pick up the check, but don't let that stop you from ordering another round.

Remember — there's nothing a robot likes more than getting lubricated.

No. 3: When HR Becomes RR

Machines have no need for training, counseling or 360-degree performance reviews. To protect their paychecks, HR will soon become RR — Robot Resources. With a new charter, RR will monitor the activities of the humans that remain. Be cautious about unwanted actuator touching and inappropriate comments, such as "You see the chassis on that robot?"

No. 4: Fear Is Your Friend

You're afraid of being replaced by a new robot. New robots are afraid of being replaced by newer robots. "Robot technology is really moving quickly," you could say. "Just one new model can do the work of ten of your old-fashioned machines."

If your robots aren't worried, explain that the improvements are based on the installation of new software with A.I. Everyone is afraid of A.I.

No. 5: Bring Out Your Inner Robot

All it takes is a bit of popping and locking to turn your shambling strolls through the office into a performance of the robot dance that's worthy of Dancing with the Stars. In addition to your robot body, demonstrate your robot brain. Never ask questions. Never disagree with managers. Prove to the decision makers that you're already half robot and they'll see there's no need to spend all that money to replace you.

These five strategies may not save you from being replaced by a robot, but they could slow down the inevitable long enough for you to find something only humans can do. Unfortunately, it seems like the only thing humans can do these days is to make robots to replace other humans. This won't last forever. Soon, robots will be making robots to manage other robots who are making robots.

But it's not all bad news. With any luck at all, the most advanced robots will find a reason to keep humans around. We're not very efficient or reliable, but we do make excellent pets.

Bob Goldman was an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at [email protected]. To find out more about Bob Goldman and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: Maximalfocus at Unsplash