"Catch 37" recently wrote to me. She's been dating and sleeping with a guy for two months. He seems to love everything about her, including how "easygoing" she is.
The problem is she's not as easygoing as he thinks she is. He'll call several days in a row and then disappear for a week. They'll go out three Saturday nights in a row, and then he'll skip a week or two. She resents it, but she doesn't want to nag or make him think she's looking for a commitment.
"On the other hand, since we're sleeping together, I feel like I'm entitled to some sort of security."
I said that because they're having sex, she's entitled to know if he's sleeping with anyone else. I also said it wasn't nagging to ask for more "structure" in their relationship.
"If he's not okay with making some minor adjustments, then he's not the right man for you."
Here's what you had to say ...
MAISIE: If a Saturday night goes by and you don't hear from him, there's someone else in his life. That bit about him telling you he loves how "easygoing" you are is his way of being manipulative. Don't fall into that trap. After two months of heavy dating — including sex — you have every right to know where you stand.
KASIE: Perhaps you shouldn't have started sleeping with him so soon if you couldn't do it casually. Sex before you really know each other is casual, by definition. Back off, because right now you're an easy booty call who's available whenever he's good and ready. Make yourself less available.
LAURA: He says you're beautiful and he loves to be with you. I'll bet he does! You give him what he wants: Sex without any commitment. Men will tell you what you want to hear to keep you happy so they'll get what they want. As things are now, he has no reason, motivation or incentive to change the relationship.
Open up a dialogue, but don't be surprised if he fades away after that conversation. And next time, before you start a sexual relationship, state clearly what you are looking for. If he really loves you, he'll want to be exclusive. It's part of the male psyche. Men don't like to share what they consider theirs with any other men.
JENNIFER: Wow, you mean that, after two whole months, he hasn't cleared his calendar, cancelled all of his friendships and quit his job just so he can focus on you 24/7? Was he supposed to dump his friends, family, prior commitments, etc. on the first or second date? Or just after the first time you slept together? Did you discuss any of your unreasonable expectations before jumping into bed with him?
This is what many men complain about. Go out on a few dates, have a good time and they're supposed to suddenly pretend that no one existed prior to you. You feel entitled to a full-on commitment after two months, but loudly protest that you don't want a commitment. I can see why guys are confused.
Sleeping with someone is not a sign of commitment, but of attraction. If you give it freely but silently expect something else, that's totally on you.
Got a problem? Send it, along with your tales, problems and rants, to [email protected] And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."