Dear Cheryl: I'm married to an intelligent, generous, fun woman, the mother of our three children. We've been married for 15 years and are both near 40. We have college degrees. For the past several years, she has chosen to work just one day per week so she can spend more time with our kids. I earn enough to maintain our lifestyle.

We share similar views and tastes on most topics and things except one. I watch what I eat and take care of myself physically. My wife, on the other hand, does not. She's gained 30-35 pounds since we married and continues to gain weight. I no longer find myself physically attracted to her, and, as a result, rarely want to have sex. My wife accuses me of being unaffectionate and lacking libido.

She's frustrated that I don't initiate sex or respond to her flirting. She's tried diets in the past, but usually gives up after a few weeks. I'm convinced she's addicted to sugar and junk carbs. Anytime I bring up her eating habits, exercise or her weight, she gets irritated and bitchy. I have learned to never bring it up. She comes from a family with poor eating and exercise habits. I want her to want to lose weight and stop letting herself go, but I sense she is perfectly happy being tubby. Is there anything I can do? — Jack Sprat

Dear Jack: Weight is a loaded issue. But there are still some things you can do that might help your wife to "get fit." (Notice I didn't say "lose weight.")

First, find something — a sport or an exercise — that you two can do together that she might actually enjoy. Maybe it's walking or biking or horseback riding or ice skating. Maybe there's something she enjoyed as a kid that she could take up again. Or you two could take tennis lessons or karate lessons or dancing lessons. Or join a health club. Anything to get her moving. Get a babysitter and do it together on the weekends and at night. Go out afterward. Make it a fun event. Something you both look forward to.

Then, approach food through health, not appearance. You've got two kids. Your wife knows they need to establish good eating habits now and that they're watching what you eat. That means that you all have to eat healthy meals, not fatty, sugary snacks or fast food.

Talk with your wife about the statistics that show how fat American kids are getting and how many young girls have eating disorders. Buy a couple of cookbooks that emphasize easy, nutritious (notice I didn't say diet) recipes. Make meal planning and cooking a family event.

Then start taking the kids with you on your walks or bike rides. Make health a family priority, and let's see what happens.

And by the way, have a physical to make sure something other than your wife's weight gain isn't causing your lack of libido.

Got a problem? Send it, along with your questions and rants to [email protected]. And check out my new ebook, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."