Dear Cheryl: I just found out that my husband of 15 years sent a gift card to a dominatrix as a down payment on a personal training session. I am leaving with our two kids for a trip outside the country to visit my family. He intended to meet this female dominatrix while I was gone.

I saw the charge for the gift card on our credit card statement. When I asked him about it, he told me that it was nothing. Finally, he admitted that he intended to meet this person in Chicago. He also admitted that before he met me, he had three other private sessions. I knew nothing about them.

I feel horrible. I haven't been happy for a long time, but I decided that for the sake of our minor children, I would stay in the marriage. Now I'm wondering.

I gave up a career to stay home and take care of the kids and take them to their lessons and activities. I may be the disciplinarian in the house, but I love my kids and my family.

I feel betrayed, humiliated and trashed by my own husband. Maybe for some women this would be nothing, but for me, to think of my husband even embracing a dominatrix means the end. I have no one to speak to. What shall I do? — HUMILIATED IN ILLINOIS

Dear HUMILIATED IN ILLINOIS: If you've read, seen or heard about "Fifty Shades of Grey" — and how could you not? — you know it's about dominant and submissive sexuality. The huge worldwide audience for the book and movie shows that there are millions of people who are interested in BDSM, many who find it titillating and some who engage in it.

And then there are those like you who find it repulsive. There's no right or wrong response to it. Yours is absolutely valid.

The way I see it, you and your husband have a few options. One, your husband can promise to give up his maybe lifelong fascination with BDSM, which may be difficult or impossible for him to do. And he may not want to.

Or two, you can educate yourself about it and perhaps learn to tolerate his practice of it as long as it's something he does on his own. You don't even have to know when he's doing it if you find it disgusting.

Both of these choices need to be discussed in the presence of a therapist who is familiar with BDSM.

Now, let me go back to something you mentioned briefly in your letter. You said you've been unhappy for a while. Why? Is it your marriage? Giving up your career? Staying home? Are you lonely? Bored? Depressed?

What are you going to do about it? Being miserable for the rest of your life is not an option. It's not fair to you or your children. You need to figure out why you're unhappy and then decide what you're going to do about it. Do you have a social group? Do you know others of your nationality? Are you keeping up your work skills so that you can go back to your career one day?

Use the knowledge of your husband's fetish as the impetus to take control of your life.

Good luck to you, and please stay in touch!

Got a problem? Send it, along with your questions and rants to [email protected]. And check out my new ebook, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."