Is one a way to shuck your responsibilities? Or a declaration that you don't need a piece of paper to prove your love? Or non of the above?

LANE: My late wife and I started dating while I was recovering — very slowly — from a massive broken heart. In the beginning, I had little to give emotionally, but she stuck with me. Even though I began to come alive over time, I was not committed to our relationship and saw no real future for us.

After we'd dated a year, she was forced out of her apartment. She said that she didn't want to continue our relationship if we were just dating but that she wasn't ready for marriage. The choice was moving in together or breaking up. We got a place together.

After living with her for five months, I saw what a beautiful thing we had together and how great it could be if we made a commitment to each other, so I proposed. We were married for over 17 years and have two wonderful children. We'd still be together if cancer hadn't taken her.

I'm grateful that we had the option of living together. If the only choice had been marriage or dating, we would have broken up. Living together gave us time for things to develop.

HOPE: We were in our early 40s and both divorced. We met through an ad in the paper. I was a legal secretary. He was an auto mechanic. To save money, I invited him to move in on the understanding that we'd be married. A year later, we were.

I'd been around the block a few times, and I was fond of Jake, but I didn't feel any love at the beginning. Love bloomed slowly and grew until the day he announced, "I'm leaving," 20 years later.

He left me for my best friend. She had just retired with a six-figure income. She bought Jake. It took me almost five years to overcome the hurt of this betrayal. My ability to trust has been forever shattered. Living together ruined our relationship.

(To paraphrase Tina Turner: What's living together got to do with it?)

KEN: I lived with someone for seven years. The breakup was as harsh and ugly as any divorce. She decided that my personal property was nicer than hers and proceeded to rob me using false claims of domestic violence to keep me away, while she put my belongings in storage and threw away what she didn't want. Even though the cops and the courts were fully aware of what she was doing, they really didn't care.

One of the most successful marriages my wife and I have ever seen is a couple that has been living together for 20 years. I don't see how their relationship was a waste of time. They have a great life and are quite happy. Women hung up on getting a ring need to have a serious reality adjustment.

Today, there's no realistic difference between marriage and living together. They're functionally the same, and people will act the same toward each other regardless of the legal status. Marriage provides both parties with legal advantages.

If you are going to spend more than a couple years with someone, particularly if property and children are involved, get married for your own protection, if nothing else.

Who has control of the clicker? Send your tale, along with your questions and rants to [email protected]. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."