Today's column asks the burning question: What's a date anyway?
LAURA: Those of us who came of age in the late '70s remember that sex on a first date was the norm, not the exception. There were only a few STDs, not the dozens there are now. AIDS and HIV were years away. No one had begun to preach abstinence, and no one practiced it. There was a more relaxed view of sex and the power of the sexual revolution.
That said, I would not advocate sex on the first date in this day and age. It's a whole different world.
GINGER: What's a first date? I met my husband on the internet and corresponded with him for three months before I met him in person. We did have sex then. Fast-forward 14 years and we've been happily married for eight.
Before I met him, I mostly wasn't attracted enough to anyone to have sex after a few hours' acquaintance. There probably were instances where I did. I don't recall feeling used and abused, though, even if the relationship didn't last long, since I was acting on the basis of my own desires rather than going along with someone else's.
KATY: I was brought up in a middle-class home with nice cars and parents with fancy clothes, but it was different for me. I was denied the bare essentials like food, blankets, clothes and personal hygiene products. When I asked for anything, I was always reminded that I was not worthy of it. To keep warm, I had to sneak out at night to steal a blanket from my stepsister. Then I woke up early to put it back so I wouldn't get in trouble.
When I began being in relationships, I expected to be treated the way my parents had treated me. Luckily, I met a man who's loving, kind and generous. Things are pretty perfect now, but looking back, I see how the cruelty of my childhood lowered my expectations for how I deserved to be treated. My husband had to be patient with me as I learned to accept love.
PHYLLIS: I'm 51, and I've never been married. I always thought I'd be married and have a couple of kids by 30. I didn't fall in love until 37 and wasted 10 years of my life loving someone who led me on. That's 10 years I can't get back. I call him Scumbag 1 because, yes, there is a Scumbag 2. I only wasted months on him. I'd learned my lesson.
Scumbag 2 is a host at one of my favorite restaurants. When he asked me out, I asked one of the waitresses about him. She said he was either married with a child or living with a woman who has a child. When I confronted him, he didn't deny it; he just said, "You didn't ask."
I should have to ask?
I finally met a decent guy through work. It looked like he was going to start asking me out, and what happened? I get laid off. He doesn't live close; he's of a different ethnic group and divorced with four kids, but I think I love him anyway. He got burned, too, so we're both a little leery.
As the saying goes, "We make plans, and God laughs."
What's the best relationship advice you've ever gotten or given? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to [email protected]. And check out my -books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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