Is it ever OK to have an affair?

If your answer is "no, never," then move along.

But, if there's some wiggle room in your ethics, if you see various shades of gray — dove gray, charcoal gray, slate gray — between black and white, then read on because Cassidy makes a pretty good case.

Cassidy and Jake have been married for 10 years. They don't have any children. Before she married him, she'd had "a couple of passionate affairs so (she) knew what that was like." Sex with Jake was never like that, but she accepted it because Jake was "one of the kindest people (she'd) ever known, truly a gentle person. (She) compromised for the sake of love and marriage."

But as the years have gone by, so has the sex. There's no longer any intimacy between them. Cassidy thinks she knows why. She thinks Jake is gay.

She says: "I've suspected it for years. Recently I've come across some things on our home computer that confirms it. I would never, ever snoop. It was by mistake that I saw these websites and searches, although I have to ask myself if he wanted me to see them.

"I've asked him several times over the years about his sexual orientation and desires, hopefully in a very loving, non-threatening way. Each time, he's waved me off, blaming his lack of interest in sex on his depression and the medication he takes for it. For the longest time I believed him, but not any more. And he's the last person I would have ever believed would lie to me."

Cassidy says that if Jake had just told her he was gay, she would have been agreeable to "an arrangement whereby he would be free to discreetly meet his needs," and so would she. She says: "That would have worked if we were both honest, mature, compassionate, level-headed and understanding. I didn't want to break up a home that's overall peaceful and loving. I didn't want to divorce an all-around great guy."

On the other hand, she didn't want to continue living with a roommate instead of a husband. So she decided that an affair was her best option.

"I simply got to the place where I couldn't stand living the life of a nun," she says. She a found a man whose wife couldn't have sex because of medical problems. They meet for lunch once a week and "get together once a month to be good to each other."

Cassidy describes: "Having him in my life has taken the edge off of my situation. In fact, it's done a great deal to enable me to remain married and provide the only stable home Jake has ever had."

Cassidy attends church every Sunday and has "a strong faith in the Lord." She says, "I would describe myself as deeply spiritual, not classically religious." She says she didn't take her marriage vows lightly and never expected to pick and choose among them like she was standing at a salad bar.

However, she says: "It's just that I found myself in a hopeless situation and decided to do the best with what I've been given. Furthermore, I actually believe an affair is sometimes justified. I have no regrets about the decision I made. I just feel sad that I had to make it."

Is an affair ever justified? Send your response, along with your relationship questions and problems to [email protected]. And check out my e-book, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front."