Does Anyone Really Know Anyone?

By Cheryl Lavin

March 9, 2019 4 min read

Talk about surprises.

Halfway through their 28th year of marriage, Kevin's wife, Lisa, announced she was gay.

He says he was totally surprised. "She never had any gay friends," he says. "Although, now that I look back, I guess there were signs. She'd always told me that when she was a little girl, she liked playing with toy guns and was more of a tomboy than a frilly, girly girl type.

"And she did seem drawn to gay-themed movies, and in the last couple of years, she started listening to singers who are associated with lesbians."

But Kevin never put two and two together. "I'd known her for over 30 years, and I didn't want to think in terms of stereotypes."

Several years ago, Lisa started hanging out with a new group of girlfriends. One day, Lisa told Kevin they were all going away for the weekend. She didn't tell him until a few days before she left. She said they'd be staying at a resort.

"At that point, I still had no idea anything was going on. It probably sounds very naive, but I just didn't see what was going on right under my nose."

When she returned, Lisa told Kevin she was gay and that she had always felt "different." She said she had a partner, one of the women from her new group.

"I asked her if she had committed adultery with her, and she said no."

But Kevin didn't trust her. "I did some checking on the internet and came upon the website of the place they had stayed. On the site was a letter she and her partner had sent thanking the owner for the great time he had shown them. The letter mentioned the roses strewn on their bed on their last night. I can't imagine that they shared this bed without her committing adultery."

It's been three years since Lisa came out. Kevin says he still has never met Lisa's new partner and has no desire to do so. He and Lisa have two daughters in their 20s. "Like me, they're still coming to terms with this, even though it's been years."

Kevin says he doesn't feel like he has a life anymore. He still sees some of the friends they had as a couple, but not very often because he feels like a "third wheel."

"I've had suicidal thoughts, although, in reality, I would not do that to my daughters. I feel like I've been cheated out of the life I thought we would have after the girls were on their own. I thought we would travel and enjoy our golden years together. Now, I have nothing. I'm a lifelong Catholic, so I feel guilty about being divorced. I could have my marriage annulled, but it doesn't seem right to do that to my daughters.

"Since she left, I've thought many times about whether it's worse or better that she cheated with a woman rather than a man. Somehow, it's worse. I feel betrayed, used and embarrassed."

Did your partner surprise you? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to [email protected] And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."

Photo credit: at Pixabay

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