We recently heard from If the Cougar Fits. She's the 44-year-old who's divorcing her "immature" husband. Her oldest child is 17. She's been hanging out with 20-something guys who'd like to be more than friends, and she's enjoying the attention.
"I'm discovering the girl I used to be," she says. "It almost feels like I'm picking up where I left off, at age 25, to get married."
She told them there wouldn't be any sex: "I didn't sleep around when I was 20 and I have no intentions of starting now." But she was interested in dating them and wanted my opinion.
Well, I admit, my response was kind of snarky. I told her I was curious where she found a group of hot young guys who didn't want sex: "You're deluding yourself if you think they want to date you because they like to cuddle. And you're fooling yourself if you think being single as a divorced 44-year-old is anything like being single as a never married 20-year-old.
"And, by the way, you think your husband is immature?"
If the Cougar Fits is back to say: "I've never been told I'm immature because I'm not sleeping around. Gee, I had no idea that was the epitome of maturity. (I didn't mean you were immature, I meant twenty-something guys.) Of course I have no idea what it's like being single in my forties, and I'm not deluding myself in any way, shape or form! I wasn't easy when I was in my twenties regardless of what guys wanted, and I have no intention of being that way now. And the 40 and 46-year-old men I've met want the same thing as the younger guys.
"I don't know where anyone gets the idea that sex is the be all and end all of a relationship. I'm still friends to this day with the same twenty-somethings I dated and did not have sex with. They liked me for who I was, not what I was willing to do with them.
"And hot young guys who respect a woman's decision not to sleep with them exist in my town. They're called officers and enlisted war veterans who've had to man up and shoulder much more responsibility than their civilian counterparts in a short period of time. They have priorities other than having sex. I have a lot of respect for them."
Dear If the Cougar Fits: I think you and I have a different idea of adult dating. And maybe a different definition of sex. To me, adults date because they're romantically/sexually attracted to one another. Otherwise, they're just hanging out as friends.
So, what are they going to do about that attraction? Kiss but not neck, neck but not pet, pet but not ... you get the idea.
You say you don't want a relationship with these guys and you don't want to have sex with them. I'm confused. What do you want?
How do you define dating? How do you define sex? Send your tale, along with your questions, problems and rants to [email protected]. And check out my e-books, "Dear Cheryl: Advice from Tales from the Front" and "I'll Call You. Not."
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