Susan Says

By Susan Deitz

December 11, 2015 4 min read

DEAR SUSAN: Here I am again, your favorite blogger — the one you love to hate. Women aren't a rare commodity where I live, but they are already with someone. You tell us not to go looking for a partner, that one will show up if we're living life following our passions. Well, I don't know what step to take next. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Following your biggest interest, the one that gives you the most satisfaction, might be a step in the right direction, getting you closer to your goal. Interested people are interesting to talk to, to be around, to be near. You must have one thing in your life that gets your attention (besides finding an attractive someone to partner with). The thing is it's boring to be around a person whose only subject is what isn't in his life. I bet that you even bore yourself sometimes and that you wish you would change the subject. If you keep on going on about the missing woman in your life, pretty soon you'll be talking to a brick wall because no one will lend you an ear. I kid you not. Your life desperately needs a reset. Read my lips: Find an interest.

DEAR SUSAN: You recently replied to a reader who said he'd had a "sexual relationship talk" with his girlfriend of four months, who was just a friend for two years previously. From what the reader said, it's not clear whether the couple are actually having sex. The talk could have been just to share information about past partners. (He said he feels misled that she's had four partners.) If so, then that was a really stupid talk to have. You assumed in your response that they are having sex. Maybe you were privy to information that wasn't in the letter. Anyway, if the real purpose of the talk was to make sure they are on the same page, that they both want to have sex, that they both want to be monogamous, that they both agree on what the sex act does — or doesn't — mean, then that was a really important talk to have, and such a conversation ought to be had before a relationship turns sexual.

It's understandable for one to assume these two have had sex. For me, two years is more than enough time to build up sufficient trust in someone to make him my sex partner. And these days, it's pretty rare for a couple to wait four months to have sex. That goes double for a couple who started out as friends. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Whew. My head is swimming. Four months, you say, is the prevailing lead time among the unmarried before engaging in nature's most meaningful intimacy. And that minuscule period is nowadays considered sufficient to establish the closeness and trust on which that intimacy is built? The shift in relationship from friend to lover is a significant change; it colors the togetherness in a different hue. How is it possible for two semi-strangers to have sexual communion so quickly? I have no answers, no sage response, no wise commentary on the sex scene as lived by the under-30 set. I wonder whether it's possible for two people to plumb each other's emotions for that amount of time and feel prepared for the deepest experience of their lives. Readers out in Readerland, I'm turning the tables, asking you to share your wisdom.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]

Photo credit: Pedro Ribeiro Simões

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