DEAR SUSAN: I'd like to share an exercise that has helped me in these confusing times. Male-female relationships seem to add a certain amount of angst because we put our hearts on the line. I have found that it helps to measure my reactions and feelings against my best relationships with family and friends. Would I be upset if my best friend said "no" to a movie invitation? No. I'd either accept it at face value or try for another time. And what about those anticipated phone calls? If my brother didn't call when he said he would, would I worry endlessly? Nope. I'd either pick up the phone and call him or trust he would call when he had time. The point is that we need to take some responsibility for our own emotional well-being by not getting overly invested in any uncertain outcome. We can learn to take life easy — and love as it comes. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: I like it. A lot. Any reasonable person would also go for it. In the quiet calm of my desk, its reasoning makes great good sense. All you're asking is that we calm down in relationships and take a breath to measure our emotionally charged reactions against the reactions in our platonic relationships.

But — you intuited we were building toward this point — your exercise will never fly. Why? Because you're asking us to remove our emotions from a situation fraught with them, an impossible request because human nature isn't built that way. Yes, we'd like to be rational in all situations. Our lives would probably be a lot calmer and stay much more even throughout. But in situations in which emotions are invested, they usually take over and run the show. Even in tense situations when a calm, cool exterior is presented to the world, the heart is beating like a professional drummer's set of drums.

I wish I could believe in your exercise, dear reader. But I do promise to put it into action next time my emotions are threatening to have their way. The way I see it, any discipline that reins in out-of-control emotions deserves a trial run.

DEAR SUSAN: I enjoyed your column on good and flimsy reasons to marry, and I think you'd be interested in the book "Arousal: The Secret Logic of Sexual Fantasies," by Dr. Michael J. Bader. He makes the case for sexual fantasies and preferences as psychological antidotes to unconscious dangers, enabling people to feel safe when sexually aroused. You may find it useful in your work to help people increase their ability to be intimate. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: I believe that knowing a person's sexual fantasies is the crucial step in knowing the person's inner self. My survey of a few years back asked divorced and separated respondents whether their sexual fantasies had changed since they became single and, if so, how they had changed. This one query revealed to me the strength and honesty of the nearly 2,000 respondents who opened their inner lives to me in a rarely duplicated display of trust. The question itself raised a bit of dust with my advisers as I was putting this survey into final mode, but my hunch was that it would turn out to be an important question. My hunch was on target. Another hunch I had going in was that once released from matrimonial bonds, divorced and separated single people would feel a newfound freedom to express their expanded freedom through their sexual fantasies. And sure enough, the majority of respondents disclosed that their sexual fantasies not only had widened in scope but also were becoming more imaginative, less restrained. Those fantasies — being made love to on a tropical island, for example — would probably never be realized, but the outpouring of desires into the psyche was in itself healthy and liberating.

Readers, have your sexual fantasies changed since becoming single? If so, in what ways? (All replies will be kept, as usual, confidential.)

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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