DEAR SUSAN: I work hard for my employer and feel good about my efforts. You have said that working is the ultimate connection to the world, especially when you're not married. (I've been divorced for a few years.) Please tell me more about that. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: The way I see it, the routine of work is a bridge to the outside world, pulling you out of self-absorption and prodding you to compare your thoughts with others' thoughts and discover alternative ways of making a life. But hey, I don't mean just working to get a paycheck; I mean a career, which implies the kind of in-depth knowledge that takes dedication and focus. It need not be an esoteric field, but you do need to sort through your strengths and interests and commit yourself to tracking a long-term career with one of them. The key is to become good at something you love and specialize in it. That kind of dedication takes deep and pinpointed attention and inevitably produces stability and cohesion. In the most obvious way, work makes you part of a larger whole — an organization bigger than you but also dependent on your talents for full functioning. In that way, it is a fundamental link to your selfhood, feeding you feelings of achievement, usefulness and camaraderie, which are so important to good mental health and a positive self-image. The economic rewards of work, of course, enable you to increase the number of choices in your life, and the prestige linked to success is a bridge to other fields and the people in them. Work is nourishment.

DEAR SUSAN: I've reached financial success in the past few years, but my success with women is zip! I work all the time now, making a living but not much else; at least when I was unemployed I had a life, meeting people and being active. If money is supposed to attract women, it's done nothing for me. One other comment on the singles scene: If marriage and casual relationships have physical elements, how can you say the physical component is irrelevant? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Friend, I never said the physical component of a relationship is irrelevant, because that is not my belief. What I did say — and fervently believe more than ever — is that the sexual side of a relationship is the most obvious gauge of its health. That is, if mutual love and consideration aren't abundant in the vertical relationship, the sexual activity between partners will reflect that deficit, big-time! The horizontal and the vertical aspects of a relationship are so intrinsically linked. Their distress signals are to be ignored at partners' peril. Because the bedroom is the most obvious arena for unspoken grievances to be played out, it's only logical that the sexual side of a relationship is the very first to signal distress. Sorry you and I got our own signals mixed.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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