Odds are your first sexual experience wasn't what you thought it would be. Who knew what to expect — and what you'd be thinking afterward? Odds are you didn't have the foggiest notion of what sex was about. I certainly didn't! And I can sense there are many heads out in Readerland nodding in agreement, not all of them female.
If the end of your virginity was anything like mine, that initiation was a letdown, painful for the flesh but even more so for the psyche. The next few days were consumed in deep thinking that was jumbled and repetitive and led to no conclusion. Again and again, I would wonder whether this deeply unsatisfying event was what made the entire world revolve on its axis! I can remember thinking that this is one rite of passage I could easily forgo. We parted on amiable terms, sex and I, but not without a large helping of disappointment. A week later, I was eagerly anticipating drama lessons, this whole sex thing pushed into not-so-dim memory.
But regrets have a way of surfacing. Climbing into bed that night, I had vague (but palpable) feelings of having been despoiled, sullied. I was used merchandise. Even though there was shared affection in that room where I was surrendering my innocence, I left it regretful and penitent — nowhere near the joyous woman of experience I was now supposed to be. Silly goose that I was, I felt forever changed — and not in a good way. Years later, knowing what I know now, I can look back and realize it's not the deflowering that ends the virgin state. In real life, the full power of the moment comes later, when we finally know what we're about. That's when the giving of our self attains the meaning it deserves.
Virginity is renewable when it represents spiritual communion.
Life being the sum of our choices, you and I can opt to call a halt to the erotic part of our life for a duration of our own choosing, for whatever reason resonates with our innermost truth. Knowing we are in full control of our bodies and can revert to a state of purity at any time makes our first time mutual, safe, secure and committed. We can (must) exercise the No option. It is the word that renews the virgin state.
And when those conditions are in full flower, when we know in our deepest being we're in safe harbor with a partner who recognizes the full value of our innocence, that purity is regained, renewed. This is a different rite of passage, entered into with significantly more meaning. This deflowering is chosen with full knowledge, driven not by curiosity or lust. This time, sex is a known quantity respected for its purpose to join souls. This time, the sex act comes with sophistication because it is achieved through discipline and high self-esteem.
Because virginity can be renewed, the option is open to all ages. Many will decide to wait for marriage to make their partnership sexual. Some will make a false start and then choose to abstain out of disillusion. Most of us will cherish the act of love and our partner for bringing such warmth and delight.
Periods of celibacy can bring heightened awareness and fuller use of our energy, times of sharper awareness and heightened achievement. They have the potential to bring deep reflection and meditation brought by a turned-down libido and a pause in the rhythms of life. Listen with respect.
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