DEAR SUSAN: I'm having trouble with two of your responses. In the first, you told an American man not to look for a foreign mate because many girls were only after the material rewards of American citizenship. But in another letter, you advised a man to add materialism to his relationships. (He had lost his girl to a former lover who was better able to support her.) You also mentioned that women think ahead about those things.

Am I reading too much into all of this when I deduce that you see women as expecting financial rewards from an "affair of the heart"? I would like to see a survey on this. Female security needs show up in her demands for financial security (father image), while male security needs show up in his wanting her to act like his mother. Sick. — Jethro J., Long Island, New York

DEAR JETHRO: Simply put, women are nesters. They have been preselected by nature for the primary role of incubator and, later on, as nurturer. Those instincts, part of women's DNA, must consider the financial aspect of each marital prospect. We are, in Madonna's words, material girls. Not entirely, of course, but a mate's earning prospects must figure into our consideration. That might hurt, Jethro, but them are the facts. Now, about affairs of the heart: As a straight shooter, I admit that many of my sisters see them in quite a different light than marriage prospects. Less is expected of them financially, but more is expected in the romance department. Passion is the key to a red-hot fling. Both partners know it's not forevermore, so they can turn up the heat and enjoy the sizzle before it fizzles. (Passion is the reason so many million women snap up those juicy gothic novels that are so unreal yet so dreamily satisfying.) Affairs of the heart are compartmentalized in the female heart, and necessarily so. The species must survive and continue. Of course, the real challenge is to combine passion and material considerations in one glorious relationship. Nice work if you can get it. (Sigh). But to fully reply, Jethro, let's dissect your psychological diagnoses of male-female relating by commenting that if needs were as simple and elementary as you view them, it would be a far simpler (and easier) world. Truth to tell, every one of us has a mixture of emotional needs, not a single one so overweening it can be clearly and neatly pinpointed. Those needs can shift and change (in nature and proportion) at different stages of our emotional growth. It just ain't so clear-cut, Jethro.

DEAR SUSAN: After putting my former husband through college, he left when our son was nine months old. (He saw him about once a month for four hours, which was his decision.) He treated me badly during the marriage. All that was 15 years ago. He recently remarried (they now own two homes; one is used for vacations). I don't love him, and I know it sounds crazy, but after all these years and all the pain I suffered, I envy his new wife. Why am I so jealous when I know how cruel he can be? — Jackie F., Santa Rosa, California

DEAR JACKIE: Feeling isn't the same as knowing, and (sigh) the feelings can overwhelm rationality. Every time. (Double-dip sigh.) You have bad life experience with this user, yet you undergo the "greens" when you think of his new bride. But why, you ask, are these feelings rising to the surface after all these years? Because you're still involved with your former "husband" (I use the term loosely). You know about his two homes, his remarriage, and (I bet) a lot more about his life. My call on that? You're still sleeping with the enemy. You haven't moved on in your life; you're still hanging around the old plantation. (I bet your son is better adjusted to a single-parent household than you are!) After 15 years, it's time to start fresh, with a new wardrobe, a different hairstyle, a fresh look at what you're going to do with the years ahead. Possibly a new job, a vacation with your son, some new friends. If your present life suits you, great. Then add to it in ways that make you happy: art classes, golf instruction, Pilates class. Who cares what this man from the past does or did or will do? You're the center of your new life; forge ahead with the life lessons you've learned. Where do you want to be in five years? Where does your son want to be? You're his model, you know, his example of a well-adjusted, productive member of society. Be one. For him, and for you.

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