DEAR SUSAN: I've been in an exclusive relationship with a wonderful man for nine years. He's divorced (eight years); I'm a widow. We are both in our mid-40s — no children, good jobs — and we both own houses of roughly the same value. We agree that we will retire to my home, but he can't live here right now because of his job's location. My work is very flexible, so I can (and do) spend lots of time with him at his home.

He's perfect in every way but one: He's afraid of marriage. I thought I was OK with that, but lately, I've been asking him to commit. He assures me we'll always be together, but not as man and wife. Even a prenup wouldn't change his mind. He was hurt in his first marriage when his wife left him for another man, but he knows absolutely I would never hurt him. Why am I now asking for marriage? Fear. My fears are practical, as well as emotional. If I suddenly became ill or incapacitated, he's the first one I'd trust to make decisions on my behalf; as my "boyfriend," though, he might not have that clout. That sounds overly dramatic, but the truth is I want a husband and life partner, not a boyfriend. And sometimes I can't help thinking his fear of marriage is just an excuse to wait for something better to come along. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Aha! The truth is you suspect this "wonderful," "perfect" fellow is just dishing a line as he fiddles with your feelings. On some not-so-deep level, you have suspicions he's playing hopscotch with your emotions while he waits for better prey. This is the perfect, wonderful man you're describing in the first part of your letter? I think not. You have some shadowy, lingering and persistent suspicions about his true reason for denying you a wedding band, which surface much later in your letter.

That makes me wonder about this wonderful man, his motives — and yours. Maybe, just maybe, you, too, are skitterish about the institution of marriage. After all, who wants to be locked in an institution? There go your freedom, your flexible schedule and what you treasure, your independence. If he succumbs and goes for the marriage thing, you fall into wifey mode, all prim and proper. And — sharp intake of air — you just may not want to travel that route again.

Lots to think about, no? Hint: Talking with each other about this may be the most refreshing thing you two have done as a couple in a long while.

DEAR SUSAN: I know you've written a lot about couples with children who live together without being married. And I know you don't have a very high opinion of this kind of arrangement, except under very unusual circumstances. Well, my boyfriend and I are in that situation right now. We would like to live together, but neither of us is interested in marriage — at least not right now. I have two teenagers, and he has a toddler. For all of us, kindly restate your thoughts about when it is — and is not — appropriate for couples to live together without being married. Thanks a lot. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Aware of having young lives in the palm of my hand, I am carefully laying out my thoughts about living together with children on the premises, aware the individual personalities have emotional needs that can vary from person to person — and within each of them individually. I don't know why you aren't marrying right now, but I do hope you yourselves (as a couple) are clear about that single decision, because it can be the turning point of five lives. Your teenagers see everything, whether or not you are aware of it — your emotional life, your sex life, your social life, your married life, your lovingness and your bad tempers. The whole mix goes into their developing brains, to be analyzed there and then or later — sometimes much later. All that they see and all that they sense goes into the melting pot, to be analyzed, criticized and often copied. Like me, they probably don't understand why their mother isn't marrying the man who will be head of their household.

Before you move in with him, I suggest a family council, on the floor, with pizza boxes nearby. It is their thoughts you need to know, the wonderful people whose lives are most affected by your marital decisions. Hear what they have to say, and listen very carefully. Take the phone off the hook; turn off televisions and radios. This is family time (maybe the start of a weekly tradition), when everyone speaks his mind, without shouting or yelling, carefully and respectfully. My words aren't so important as theirs. You and your man, listen hard — with love and care — and then speak your piece. Listen hard, sweet mother. Their words are the most important.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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