Once we fall in love, we tend to believe it's that other person, our beloved, who makes us feel complete because he or she fills in the element that was missing while we hungered for love. We tend to look for the man who makes us feel like a "real woman" at the zenith of our femininity.

If that sounds (all too) familiar, it's time to clear up that misconception.

What actually happens in love is that the act of loving connects you with your ability to love, and that ability is the missing part of yourself you've been looking for. By inspiring you to express love, the beloved puts you in touch with a part of yourself that has been making you feel incomplete. It isn't that he fills you up and makes you whole ... and that you're all jagged edges without him. The person you love is a catalyst, not a missing piece. No person outside of yourself can make you whole. (You might want to say that again, this time out loud.)

With that thought firmly tucked into our psyche, my hope is that none of us will be as likely to look to love for salvation. The challenge is to construct a life filled with other sources of satisfaction — family, friends, work, interests — and be your own savior. Thinking along those lines not only frees you to live life more fully but also frees your beloved from having to be all things to you ... a thought devoutly to be wished.

We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks - in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].

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