Continuing on this most important issue for the ladies — defensiveness — I'm asking you to observe yourself the next time you're with a man. Are you tense, on the edge of your seat, afraid he'll try to jump your bones? My nationwide survey found that men — most of them, anyway — do not expect sex on the first several dates. Could it be that you secretly do? That hidden wish just might be a key to understanding your own defensiveness. I've noticed that those women who are most outspoken about their liberated state have secret yearnings to return to a "little girl" state and be taken care of by "Daddy." That sort of opposite thinking could be true for you, too, regarding independence or some other part of your life. It's worth looking into.

When you find yourself tightening up (physically, as well as mentally) in response to a remark or an action, stop and think instead of blowing up. Are you sure of your position, confident of your opinion, secure in your stance? If so, there's no need to be defensive. You are doing what you deem right. No one else's judgment or opinion should make any difference. (This is much easier said than done, of course, but chances are that after a few stop-and-think reactions, you will be slower to retreat to your fortress.)

By all means, build a strong foundation, but don't build walls so thick that no one can come through them. The lasting cure for defensiveness is feeling comfortable and integrated with the life you've made for yourself. It may take a long time to achieve, but activating the strategies here will help. And as you snuggle into your life as a secure, confident woman, you'll find fewer instances in which defensiveness is needed. Keep in mind that only the weak feel called upon to defend their position. You don't qualify.

DEAR READERS: Remember, I want to know your thoughts and problems and make your life — single or married — better. Write to me at [email protected].

Also, we've uncovered a treasure-trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, ready to read. Send $15 and your address to: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 Third St., Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. I'll send you a signed copy.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected].