DEAR SUSAN: I have sexual feelings for my boyfriend, but it's usually when we're apart. I get that rush of lovey feelings when I'm at work or driving to the store; I think of him and how he makes me feel good about myself. More than that, I love that he complements me so well. Still, as soon as I see him in person, all I need is a hug or a quick kiss; all those feelings leave.

So tell me: How weird am I? I come from a non-affectionate family, though we love one another. I married at 19, had a wonderful son and, after I got divorced, vowed never to repeat the mistake of not being true to myself.

This man I'm seeing is kind, considerate, a hard worker and very nicely built. I've been attracted to him since we were in high school. He can be a bit clingy, but all I have to do is say something and he gives me space. So why can't I get those bubbly feelings people are supposed to get when they're in love?

So I guess I'm wondering: Is this the man I ordered at Burger King? ("Have it your way.") Why don't I feel the need to marry him? He'd marry me in a second. I can't believe I'm the one having commitment problems. Could you please pass along some insight that would help me? — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: Bubble, bubble, toil and trouble. Old Will Shakespeare himself couldn't have concocted a better plot than you and your Burger King man. With him, you can indeed have it your way — but then, just what is your way? At 19, you believed that loving meant submerging selfhood. Long gone from that marriage, you're rejoicing in a life that celebrates freedom to be yourself, and you're not too eager to go back to the old ways. Perfectly understandable, I'd say. But marriage doesn't squelch your individuality if you marry the right sort of mate. And this man seems to have the right sort of attributes: kindness, ambition, physical attraction. You desire him mightily when he's gone, but in person, not so much. Sounds to me like fright, my girl — terror of returning to prison. And the only way to convince yourself that you'll be free to be yourself if you marry this hunk is to observe him in many different situations. You need to convince yourself that the man you see is the husband you'll live with. That all takes time, but what's the rush? Dream your daydreams when you're apart; enjoy him when you're together. He's not pressing you for marriage; don't put pressure on yourself. You may not want to marry him — or anyone. Your chosen way may well be commitment without marriage, living together or as apartners. Your way may be a free zone.

DEAR SUSAN: Please advise reader Greg not to marry that young woman, because her mother will smother their marriage, which is what happened to my daughter. When she and her fiance phoned his mother to announce their engagement, she hung up the phone. When they called her to announce the arrival of their baby, again she hung up. She came to their wedding dressed in black, as though she were going to a funeral. She never wanted any sort of relationship with my daughter throughout their six-year marriage. Never sent her a birthday gift or phoned for a friendly chat — except at the end, when she called to say that her son is divorcing her and that she herself will be getting custody of their child.

My daughter has been an exemplary mother and wife and doesn't deserve this nightmare scenario. His mother is the problem. She was an unwed mother at the age of 15, and she has laid a guilt trip on her son to make him feel that he owes his very existence to her. He refuses to see the truth, has deserted my daughter and their 3-year-old son, and has moved in with a woman he picked up. To compound the problem, the child has autism and requires much attention and care. When I've tried to talk to my son-in-law, he refuses to listen or seek counseling to save the marriage. He cannot see that his mother's abnormal obsession with him has destroyed their marriage; he blames everything on my daughter.

Susan, please tell Greg to leave the young woman he's considering marrying before it's too late. Tell him to find someone with a mother who has a normal outlook on parenting. — From the "Single File" blog

DEAR BLOGGER: The mother is the master template of the family, leaving her imprint on every member. Her moods determine the family's emotional climate, as is said in a rap song: "If mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy." To see what lies ahead in a marriage, particularly for a young first marriage, check out the bride's mother. Chances are she's had the strongest influence on the choice of groom, and she will most probably extend a strong influence into the lovemaking. The mother's skills at manipulating the roses and thorns of the marriage relationship will pointedly affect the core relationship between bride and groom.

You don't need to use your imagination to experience the horrors of a mother-in-law gone bad. I hope your letter will keep someone from making the same mistake. Many thanks for sharing your experience.

Have a question for Susan? You can reach her directly at [email protected]. We've uncovered another treasure trove of "Single File" paperbacks — in perfect condition, signed by Susan, ready to enjoy. Send $15 and your address: Susan Deitz, C/O Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

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