A magazine article about an outdoor festival tells readers, "If it rains, just bring your umbrella and goulashes." A synopsis of a TV show describes it as the story of "celebrate" nuns in Louisiana. A citizen writes that he's been an "I witness" to unsafe practices. A classified notice reads, "Found: White steer in pastor since June."

These howlers, spotted by Clifford Safranek of Coventry, Connecticut, Richard Guttmann of Vernon, Connecticut, Chris Ryan of New York City, and Betty Lundy of West Point, Mississippi, respectively, remind us that language often gives us a bum steer.

Other readers have sent me these bloopers from newspapers, magazines and other media. Read 'em and weep.

"The 419-member class is much smaller now: About one-fourth have died and have moved away." (To the cemetery?)

"One sage noted that idleness leads to mental illness and even immortality." (Well, people still remember Rip Van Winkle.)

On the back of a van: "If this vehicle is being driven in an unsafe manor, please call 1-800 ..." (And notify the estate's caretaker.)

From a photo caption: "Young egrets race a ruckus on a nest in the Tamiami Trail West Rookery at Everglades National Park." (The ruckus has the lead — but wait, the egrets are pulling ahead!)

Pentagon officials tend to view the army as the most hyde-bound of the military services." (What would General Jekyll say?)

"She was holding a handgun that belonged to a decreased family member." (An uncle named "Shorty"?)

"The program will feature new summer music, including many navel marches." (By belly dancers?)

"Political commentators chalked up Trump's endorsement to weak-kneaded staffers the president has enlisted." (Were they rolling in dough?)

And then there are the references to "steel magnet Charles Guthrie" (I guess people are attracted to him.); "writing ads in pigeon English" (Using the hunt and peck method, no doubt.); and "Guy de Maupassant's classic short story 'The Neckless.'" (About football linemen?)

Finally, this quotation from a city council member: "I don't believe anyone disagrees it is not a step in the right direction." (Got that?)

Rob Kyff, a teacher and writer in West Hartford, Connecticut, invites your language sightings. His book, "Mark My Words," is available for $9.99 on Amazon.com. Send your reports of misuse and abuse, as well as examples of good writing, via email to [email protected] or by regular mail to Rob Kyff, Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254.

Photo credit: Joseph Barrientos at Unsplash