The last time I ordered a $12 coffee, the nice woman behind the coffee bar made me show her the money first.

"Yeah?" I said. "Then why don't you get those gay pride colored biscotti outta here, and the churros?"

Not that I go out for coffee all that much. I make coffee at home, is what I do.

After the coffee, I went on down to Sam's House of Stuff on a Stick and ordered the shish kebab meal to go. It was $37.

"What is this?" I hollered. "Sharia law? It was $25 three years ago when I started coming here."

"I am Syrian Christian," Sam-Behind-the-Counter told me. He pointed to a picture of the Blessed Virgin Mary on the wall, hung in the same place where the Napolitano family had their picture of the Madonna when this was a decent American pizza joint.

"Yeah," I said. "Sure, you are. The Ayatollah probably tells you to lie."

The funny thing is that Sam came to America to get away from war all the time. Sorry, Sam. You should have gone to Denmark.

Not that I go out to eat that much. My wife cooks at home, is what she does.

But, on the whole, America is doing better, and I know why.

When something gets more expensive, we announce that you can't get into national parks for free on Juneteenth anymore. Sure, I still gotta pay $12 for a cup of coffee, but at least people like the late George Floyd won't be getting into national parks for the doughnut anymore.

And every time the shish kebab plate goes up $3, ICE raids a carwash in Cleveland and busts a bunch of soapy Mexicans.

Meanwhile, at the high school in your suburb, a kid named Shane sold cocaine to your daughter Madison.

Obviously, we need to nuke Venezuela. Either that, or we need to send our otherwise useless military into New Orleans to find out who's selling the counterfeit Mardi Gras beads that probably come from Venezuela.

I say "useless" military because America hasn't really won a war since 1945. We lose wars, and we fight draws, is what we do. We'd better nuke Venezuela because there's no indication we can beat 'em on the ground.

I'm old enough to remember when the National Guard was much beloved because when the levee threatened to break and flood your little town, the National Guard showed up and started filling sandbags. Now, they spread mulch and tell loitering Black kids to "move along" in Washington, D.C. That's what your grandfather does, and he does it without a uniform.

If the price of coffee goes up a couple more times, we may not even be able to make it at home anymore.

And I can live with that kind of sacrifice if it hurts Black people somehow.

What might help with coffee prices is if the government makes sure that the damn pride flag isn't displayed in the damn classrooms over at the damn junior high.

Until then, I'll have a cup of hot water, is what I'll do.

To find out more about Marc Dion and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com. Dion's latest book, a collection of his best columns, is called, "Mean Old Liberal." It is available in paperback from Amazon.com, and for Nook, Kindle and iBooks.

Photo credit: Nathan Dumlao at Unsplash