Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Mon, 06 Apr 2020 04:57:18 -0700 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate 4ab239019758d28d6ffcb11248182eb7 No Cure for Humor for 04/03/2020 Fri, 03 Apr 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I'm dying. I'm literally dying from laughter. LOL.</p> <p>Up the hill from where I live, there is a fine building, a home for the elderly owned by the Catholic diocese. My mother died in that noble old brick building, on the Alzheimer's floor, where they put you while your family hopes you die.<p>Updated: Fri Apr 03, 2020</p> 4164e1cd9fddad36d109e599c297238c Who's a Good Dog? for 03/27/2020 Fri, 27 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I love the rich people who employ me. I do. Before that, I loved the other rich people who employed me. I want them swaddled with care, smothered with tax incentives, insulated against the cold breezes of the income tax. <span class="column--highlighted-text">I am the dog, and they are the hand that comes mysteriously out of the air to put food in my bowl.</span> Sometimes, they pet my head, which is called a "Christmas bonus." I bark at the people they hate, and if they want to keep me chained in a small backyard, then I am happy just to have food. If they do not feed me enough, I figure I must be a bad dog because people feed you if you are good.</p> <p>A few months ago, the dogs who work at a supermarket chain in my state were bad enough dogs to growl and snap at their rich people. They went on strike.<p>Updated: Fri Mar 27, 2020</p> b8fe3c4011c126ed83b49ebdd6b6a194 Thank You for Letting Us Use Your Service for 03/20/2020 Fri, 20 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>There is a new species of hero abroad in the land!</p> <p>And, no, I don't mean President Donald Trump, who now regards himself as a "war president."<p>Updated: Fri Mar 20, 2020</p> 0177b354967b2d20a999c508eba541aa Two Bad Hands for 03/13/2020 Fri, 13 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Do you want to know the truth?</p> <p>It's coronavirus season, and it's election season, and my wife's disinfecting all the doorknobs in the house every night, and all the candidates for president stink.<p>Updated: Fri Mar 13, 2020</p> 6528a80ff88ab020b389776d22680cc9 Cash Money Is Sick for 03/06/2020 Fri, 06 Mar 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I probably won't die from the coronavirus, though saying that means I probably will. As the old-time Irish said, "What you call comes to you."</p> <p>In the meantime, I'm washing my hands more often. My wife, Deborah, says I have to wash my hands more often.<p>Updated: Fri Mar 06, 2020</p> 5701a82d1cc2562ed3031148ea380628 Early in the Fight for 02/28/2020 Fri, 28 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>"You're blowing it now, son! You're blowing it!" The late fight trainer Angelo Dundee to Sugar Ray Leonard between rounds 12 and 13 of his fight with Thomas Hearns. Leonard picked up the pace, and he stopped Hearns in round 14.</p> <p>A pack of Democratic title contenders are fighting each other, looking for the title shot. Donald Trump waits, cradling his big MAGA punch. After the Democratic debates, the floor is slick with metaphorical blood, but the crowd is bored. Watching a bunch of second-rate pugs with no defense pound each other isn't enough. The crowd wants the main event.<p>Updated: Fri Feb 28, 2020</p> 3ffb3ca718f9c00166735087eb91ccf6 Shaving to the Bone for 02/21/2020 Fri, 21 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>In World War I, when the combatants hunkered down fearfully in miles of opposing trenches, everything took on the name of the trench.</p> <p>There was trench foot, a disease, and a weapon called a trench knife.<p>Updated: Fri Feb 21, 2020</p> 77ed426a2ec5bd83cb2910fffc20baf0 Swimming in the Waters of Love for 02/14/2020 Fri, 14 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Even the greasiest, most hungover, least-skilled newspaper columnist loves to discover that his/her next column will run on a holiday.</p> <p>With a subject resented in a beautifully wrapped box, the columnist sets to work.<p>Updated: Fri Feb 14, 2020</p> 354bddb88f894ce15c32380253964b97 We've Cut Too Deep for 02/10/2020 Mon, 10 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>"Same knife cut the sheep cut the goat"</p> <p>&#8212;Cajun singer Horace Trahan, from the song of the same name.<p>Updated: Mon Feb 10, 2020</p> 664d91ba528e9c8b737d68034fd4f55b There's No Such Thing for 02/03/2020 Mon, 03 Feb 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Many people, including our whopping mistake of a president, characterize the investigation and the impeachment of Donald J. Trump as a "witch hunt."</p> <p>They refer to history, or rather what they think is history.<p>Updated: Mon Feb 03, 2020</p> 4ad74eb4b6fd56ed34a8eb4cf7704d14 The Arc De Trump for 01/24/2020 Fri, 24 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>There will be no war with Iran. Yet. This is because President Donald Trump sent troops to the threatened embassy. It wasn't at all like a similar situation when Hillary Clinton "murdered" several Americans in Benghazi. So, that is a tinseled Trumpian victory, suitable for inscribing on the soon-to-be-built Arc de Trump. As a bonus, "only" 11 American soldiers were injured during an Iranian missile attack on our troops. None of them died, however, and most of them can be sent back to a battle zone. Plus, when they return home, they can exercise the American right to PTSD. They will be given a miserly government monthly stipend and will be "thanked for their service" forever.</p> <p>There will be no nuclear exchange with Korea. Yet. The country is still run by a loon with a Moe Stooge haircut, and they have every nuke they had at the beginning. Still, they gave the U.S. several boxes of bones intended to remind us of what's going to happen to Los Angeles. That attempt at reminder failed. This, too, is a Trumpian triumph.<p>Updated: Fri Jan 24, 2020</p> 810f6b42f7ef0c1e594764ec69626ff3 His Excellency, Don Diego for 01/20/2020 Mon, 20 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I tried. I swear I tried.</p> <p>Like any columnist, I combed the week's news, looking for that thing from which a newspaper column could be built.<p>Updated: Mon Jan 20, 2020</p> 69119bf0ca5313a302abb03d3f7cd47f Opening Up a Can of America for 01/13/2020 Mon, 13 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>Well, we done it. We kicked Iranian butt. We butt-kicked 'em. Their butts were kicked. We put a boot in their butts. Their butts, they were kicked. We opened up a can of butt-kick. We came to eat lollipops and kick butt, and we were out of lollipops. We took names and kicked butts. Butt kick. Kick butt. Works the same way backward and forward. Offered a butt, by God, Americans will kick. No butt un-kicked. We are butt-kickers. Kickers of butts.</p> <p>And it is who we are, we rowdy, butt-kicking Americans. We are not no cheese-eating French people. Offered cheese, we will kick the butt of the person who wants us to eat that cheese. We do not bow down to no Allah, and if you do, we will wait until you bow down and then kick you in the butt.</p> <p>This country is nothing but boots in search of butts. Away with your clogs and your tasseled loafers and your flip-flops! You need boots to kick butt, boots like they wear in the military. Everybody in America should wear military boots at all times, in case a butt presents itself for kicking.<p>Updated: Mon Jan 13, 2020</p> 1f3af79d7802af23e5673d7da81968e4 Playing the Numbers for 01/06/2020 Mon, 06 Jan 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>In Texas, where life is cheap, and so are the senators, a plucky church security force member raised his gun in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost, and shot dead a gunman who'd already killed two people.</p> <p>Praise Jayzus! Praise his holy name!<p>Updated: Mon Jan 06, 2020</p> e8b751feae0a750087e874424919fe2c A Smooth Stone for 12/30/2019 Mon, 30 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I'm writing this on Christmas Day. All the wrapping has been torn. The church at the end of my street has put Jesus in the manger. My wife liked her gifts, and we had a huge Irish breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, blood pudding, beans, toast and strong tea.</p> <p>My mother died last February. My wife's mother died in October. We are both only children, and are much more "only" now. Both of our fathers are dead.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 30, 2019</p> 52924bdd4bef5865e34dab640e8962fd Warmed By the Breath of Fools for 12/23/2019 Mon, 23 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Although the crucifixion and resurrection are central to Christianity, I am most moved by The Babe in the manger, by his dimpled arms and helpless, weakly grasping hands, by Joseph's worried face, by Mary's tired, half-closed eyes, by the scratchy straw on his tender skin and the close dung smell of the animals.</p> <p>So helpless and so small, the way we all are in the beginning when there is no hint of what will happen to us in our bleeding, painful deaths.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 23, 2019</p> ccc2685a2b076516a4aa90cabd8e9a36 For What It's Worth for 12/16/2019 Mon, 16 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I'm a 62-year-old man who, by being cheap for 30 years of his life, managed to save some money. A lot of generic groceries and off-brand beer passed down this old reporter's neck in order to keep funding the 401(k) and the mutual funds, but in the end, I wound up with about 10 years pay in savings, all of it busily, capitalistically making money for me.</p> <p>Which is as I intended. Now, semi-retired, I draw a nice income from that money, money grubbed up in the darkness of night shifts.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 16, 2019</p> 2c54bae18c62adb4a0d24648a4f8cd46 Knife and a Chair for 12/09/2019 Mon, 09 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>About two miles from my house, in the same city, there's a convenience store. It sells coffee, liquor, beer, lottery tickets, sandwiches wrapped in plastic and disposal lighters, and it offers two aisles of canned goods, toilet paper and disposable diapers.</p> <p>There used to be a Hindu temple across the street, located in a former paper-box factory, but the Hindus moved out as the neighborhood got worse. Junkies beg out in front of the store. I used to go in there to buy beer after a newspaper night shift because it's open late.</p> <p>Not long ago, a guy with a knife tried to rob the place. He showed the clerk the knife and demanded cartons of cigarettes. The clerk, who does not own the store, wouldn't give up the cigarettes.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 09, 2019</p> cbc6b2220009af9066c5a4d15ee8b262 Pardon My Turkey for 12/02/2019 Mon, 02 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Heavy lies the head that wears the turkey.</p> <p>Pres. Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys just before Thanksgiving Day. It's a holiday tradition. Ever year, in a display of commercialized might, the president pardons two turkeys and a war criminal. The two turkeys go to some kind of turkey rescue facility. The war criminal gets a promotion, may someday write a book called "Screw 'Em. They Ain't Really Human" and could eventually marry a Kardashian, if one is available.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 02, 2019</p> 44da670729d76f0264e6066e2e42cf45 The Socioeconomics of Menthol Cigarettes for 11/25/2019 Mon, 25 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>In my home state of Massachusetts, where a wily state government has found a way to do everything except stop people from leaving the older cities, there is a war on flavored tobacco and vaping products. A ban of both is on the way.</p> <p>Ostensibly, this is to protect our children, who are presumably lured into smoking by flavored products.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 25, 2019</p>