Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Fri, 06 Dec 2019 04:23:45 -0800 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate cbc6b2220009af9066c5a4d15ee8b262 Pardon My Turkey for 12/02/2019 Mon, 02 Dec 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Heavy lies the head that wears the turkey.</p> <p>Pres. Donald Trump pardoned two turkeys just before Thanksgiving Day. It's a holiday tradition. Ever year, in a display of commercialized might, the president pardons two turkeys and a war criminal. The two turkeys go to some kind of turkey rescue facility. The war criminal gets a promotion, may someday write a book called "Screw 'Em. They Ain't Really Human" and could eventually marry a Kardashian, if one is available.<p>Updated: Mon Dec 02, 2019</p> 44da670729d76f0264e6066e2e42cf45 The Socioeconomics of Menthol Cigarettes for 11/25/2019 Mon, 25 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>In my home state of Massachusetts, where a wily state government has found a way to do everything except stop people from leaving the older cities, there is a war on flavored tobacco and vaping products. A ban of both is on the way.</p> <p>Ostensibly, this is to protect our children, who are presumably lured into smoking by flavored products.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 25, 2019</p> afec320b35dac897325659180d528c36 Stop Shoving Your Sports Agenda Down My Throat for 11/18/2019 Mon, 18 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I'm what used to be called a "regular guy." House. Wife. Job. Taxes. Scared of street crime. Frozen pizza. Flannel shirts. Draft beer. Used car. It took me six months to pay off the new mattress I bought.</p> <p>But I don't like sports.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 18, 2019</p> 48d90ea6cf495f2bb47f0c3f03914eae Christmas Spice for 11/11/2019 Mon, 11 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>I write columns about politics, and about governing, and about Pres. Donald Trump, who is politics but not governing, and about poverty, which is always the result of politics but never the result of governing.</p> <p>And, after retiring from a 36-year career as a newspaper reporter, I took a job with a local talk radio station. Callers sometimes call me a communist because I don't want homeless panhandlers executed, and today someone called me an "evil old man" because I don't like a local politician, who is currently under indictment.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 11, 2019</p> a80368f9bfea69d4b7d827898ae9f44d Treating Veterans Like Dogs for 11/04/2019 Mon, 04 Nov 2019 00:00:00 -0800 <p>Canines have had an up-and-down kind of month. Pres. Donald Trump noted some similarities between the death of a terrorist and the way a dog dies. That's an insult to every red-blooded American pit bull who ever went down snarling in an illegal dogfight sponsored by a professional athlete. That's why Trump gets booed at ball games.</p> <p>But he did tell us that a hero dog was wounded as American troops went in after the terrorist, and that is a victory for canines all over the land of the free.</p> <p>We are truly free as long as we can imagine freedom as a dog, or a gun, or a flag, anything that can't talk, really.<p>Updated: Mon Nov 04, 2019</p> ba33236486a31df59689812d92d8670b Storming Ashore on the Carpet for 10/28/2019 Mon, 28 Oct 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Lives there a legislator inside whose timid breast there does not beat the heart of a lion? You may be long past your fighting years (even if you're a veteran) but if you are any kind of legislator, you see yourself as forever in battle.</p> <p>Newspapers and electronic media encourage this courage of the cloakroom.<p>Updated: Thu Oct 31, 2019</p> 37a4d59767e6b0a38099b59b01f35add Values By the Pound for 10/21/2019 Mon, 21 Oct 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p>In the grocery store, they got the cheap hamburger, the good hamburger and the ground sirloin.</p> <p>I come from a ground sirloin family. If we were eating the good hamburger, or (shame of all shame) the cheap hamburger, it meant my father was out of work. By the time I was 11, my father had traded the nightlife thrills and uncertain income of the side street bartender for a suit-and-tie corporate job, and ground sirloin was all we ate.</p> <p>Still, even on the nickel-and-dime tips of a bartender in a place where whiskey went for a half-buck a shot, my father believed in ground sirloin. Even if you had to buy less of it than you really needed, you bought the best, was my mother and father's theory.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 21, 2019</p> 69b51832641715d3fe700c0a39e0d63e A Noggin of Despair for 10/14/2019 Mon, 14 Oct 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>An Irish immigrant friend of mine once told me that, in the Ireland of his youth, the word "noggin" was, as he put it "the most elastic word in the language."</p> <p>"If my uncle said he had a 'noggin of whiskey,' that meant anything from a swallow to a quart," my friend said."<p>Updated: Mon Oct 14, 2019</p> 8be507337d5b8628cd00ba223df6ffa7 White Privilege Fails Me for 10/07/2019 Mon, 07 Oct 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Because I am old in the ways of sin, I dropped the butt of a $5 cigar onto the rain-darkened blacktop of a convenience store parking lot. I was going in for coffee, black, no sugar.</p> <p>The owner, an immigrant American citizen from a former British colony, saw me from the front window of his small, but sincere, store. When I came in, he told me I shouldn't drop cigar butts in his parking lot, not even when it's raining.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 07, 2019</p> 9687c7b5fe218dd9fb90d160dd476a3c Sleeping Beauty Overdosed for 09/30/2019 Mon, 30 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The Brothers Grimm, Jakob and Wilhelm, were a pair of 19th-century Germans whose "fairy tales" often involved the cooking of children. Disney cleaned that up quickly, and the whacky brothers' fairy tales were a childhood staple until we forgot them in favor of British-accented pigs.</p> <p>Always, in the tales, the princess sleeps or is in some kind of trouble that may involve her being roasted and served up like a prime rib.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 30, 2019</p> c523fe0bc3f37e27cdfe1bdbe457b765 A Dear Little Lost Place for 09/23/2019 Mon, 23 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I live in Fall River, Massachusetts, a dear little lost place. It's dear if you're from here. It's lost to everyone else. And it's much more little than it was 100 years ago, when the great gray granite cotton mills were lit up for the third shift. During the mill years, 120,000 people lived in the city. Now, it's 86,000 and, if it weren't for immigrants, legal and illegal, maybe 30,000 people would live in this clot of crap-brown tenement houses next to the hammered steel sheet of a brackish New England river.</p> <p>Old men lose muscle, and their arms get stringy. <span class="column--highlighted-text">Towns like mine lost their factories, and everything got stringy, tightly stretched and broken.</span><p>Updated: Mon Sep 23, 2019</p> 5a8453343833095c9d873b1e6ccbf155 The Right to Bear Vapes for 09/16/2019 Mon, 16 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The vaping industry, tragically unrepresented by the National Rifle Association, is in danger of seeing its profitable berry- and s'mores-flavored business go up in smoke, or at least in vapor. The doctors say vaping kills you.</p> <p>I'm an old-fashioned pipe smoker. Not so long ago, I was sitting outside at my job, peacefully puffing a pipe, when I was approached by one of the office vapeheads, a guy in his 20s.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 16, 2019</p> f4b1f2cb793fc8b2ef69b761767b2609 Straight Pride and Witchcraft for 09/09/2019 Mon, 09 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>There was a "straight pride" parade in Boston last week, maybe 50 miles from my house. I skipped it, and went out for pancakes instead. Then, I came home and did some laundry.</p> <p>About 300 people marched in the parade. Maybe the other straight guys do their own laundry, too.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 09, 2019</p> eb32e5b779fa25e74839d37d7e1e4d3c It's Labor Day, So Start a Riot for 09/02/2019 Mon, 02 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>It's Labor Day, when we celebrate by studiously not celebrating in hopes that the folks "at corporate" won't think that we're thinking of ourselves as "labor."</p> <p>Instead of thinking of ourselves as "labor," we are encouraged to think of ourselves as individuals, gun-owning frontiers people who just happen to have central air conditioning and live in the suburbs. Other than that, we're Dan'l Boone. We're that band of hardy patriots who took their squirrel guns down off the wall and started shooting the British.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 02, 2019</p> c68ebfbbaac9f82b2862450f387a5c51 Trump's Prison Colony for 08/26/2019 Mon, 26 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>President Donald Trump wants to buy the island of Greenland from Denmark. Denmark won't sell, and they turned him down rudely. Trump said he won't go to Denmark because they turned his offer down without even giving him a chance to borrow the purchase price from the Russian mob. In addition, he turned them down because he is a petulant child.</p> <p>But Trump ain't no dope, nossireebob. He had plans for Greenland.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 26, 2019</p> af762480f9f0c87935e010cbf8cbcdb1 Shortbread and the Love of a Woman for 08/19/2019 Mon, 19 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I had to buy birthday presents for my wife. Her birthday was last week.</p> <p>I'm not bad at present buying. I specialize in scarves, perfume and jewelry. None of those items come in a specific size, so there's less room for error.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 19, 2019</p> 02135b89fcde2bdae2cbf2c1bff4c764 Places I Go Not to Get Shot for 08/12/2019 Mon, 12 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I've got a little list.</p> <p>It's a list of the places I go most often.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 12, 2019</p> ac454d585b0eaa89ed2e7876f8929fe7 Build Those Walls! for 08/05/2019 Mon, 05 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The city where I live, an undistinguished place in Massachusetts, is getting ready to build a replica of the Vietnam Wall in Washington, D.C. It is a thing keenly desired by the population, most of whom make less that $30,000 a year, which is a hell of a lot less in Massachusetts than it is in Georgia.</p> <p>It's an old city. We have a monument to every war this country's ever fought, including a monument to the boys who fought the Spanish-American War. It's a bronze statue on a traffic island. The junkies stand on the traffic island and ask drivers stopped at the light for change. Nearly everyone I've ever spoken to believes the Spanish-American War monument is a World War I monument. I was born here, and I believed that until I was 50.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 05, 2019</p> ccce71f8100f6dc26cb12649cf50484e Two Words, Chanted for 07/29/2019 Mon, 29 Jul 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>If we can't chant it, we don't want it.</p> <p>Doesn't rhyme. Doesn't have to. It's too long anyway.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 29, 2019</p> 2012da33fe6ab45a8c31ec4acefa1c31 O Say, Can You See, the Flag on My Shoes? for 07/15/2019 Mon, 15 Jul 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Let's start out by putting a floor under this column.</p> <p>I was raised to believe that you did not wear the American flag as clothing. The reason my teachers and my parents gave me was that if you had an American flag on your T-shirt, you would eventually spill gravy on the flag. Just as bad, sooner or later, your flag T-shirt would end up in the hamper with the other dirty clothes.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 15, 2019</p>