Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Tue, 15 Oct 2019 16:16:16 -0700 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate 69b51832641715d3fe700c0a39e0d63e A Noggin of Despair for 10/14/2019 Mon, 14 Oct 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>An Irish immigrant friend of mine once told me that, in the Ireland of his youth, the word "noggin" was, as he put it "the most elastic word in the language."</p> <p>"If my uncle said he had a 'noggin of whiskey,' that meant anything from a swallow to a quart," my friend said."<p>Updated: Mon Oct 14, 2019</p> 8be507337d5b8628cd00ba223df6ffa7 White Privilege Fails Me for 10/07/2019 Mon, 07 Oct 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Because I am old in the ways of sin, I dropped the butt of a $5 cigar onto the rain-darkened blacktop of a convenience store parking lot. I was going in for coffee, black, no sugar.</p> <p>The owner, an immigrant American citizen from a former British colony, saw me from the front window of his small, but sincere, store. When I came in, he told me I shouldn't drop cigar butts in his parking lot, not even when it's raining.<p>Updated: Mon Oct 07, 2019</p> 9687c7b5fe218dd9fb90d160dd476a3c Sleeping Beauty Overdosed for 09/30/2019 Mon, 30 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The Brothers Grimm, Jakob and Wilhelm, were a pair of 19th-century Germans whose "fairy tales" often involved the cooking of children. Disney cleaned that up quickly, and the whacky brothers' fairy tales were a childhood staple until we forgot them in favor of British-accented pigs.</p> <p>Always, in the tales, the princess sleeps or is in some kind of trouble that may involve her being roasted and served up like a prime rib.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 30, 2019</p> c523fe0bc3f37e27cdfe1bdbe457b765 A Dear Little Lost Place for 09/23/2019 Mon, 23 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I live in Fall River, Massachusetts, a dear little lost place. It's dear if you're from here. It's lost to everyone else. And it's much more little than it was 100 years ago, when the great gray granite cotton mills were lit up for the third shift. During the mill years, 120,000 people lived in the city. Now, it's 86,000 and, if it weren't for immigrants, legal and illegal, maybe 30,000 people would live in this clot of crap-brown tenement houses next to the hammered steel sheet of a brackish New England river.</p> <p>Old men lose muscle, and their arms get stringy. <span class="column--highlighted-text">Towns like mine lost their factories, and everything got stringy, tightly stretched and broken.</span><p>Updated: Mon Sep 23, 2019</p> 5a8453343833095c9d873b1e6ccbf155 The Right to Bear Vapes for 09/16/2019 Mon, 16 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The vaping industry, tragically unrepresented by the National Rifle Association, is in danger of seeing its profitable berry- and s'mores-flavored business go up in smoke, or at least in vapor. The doctors say vaping kills you.</p> <p>I'm an old-fashioned pipe smoker. Not so long ago, I was sitting outside at my job, peacefully puffing a pipe, when I was approached by one of the office vapeheads, a guy in his 20s.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 16, 2019</p> f4b1f2cb793fc8b2ef69b761767b2609 Straight Pride and Witchcraft for 09/09/2019 Mon, 09 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>There was a "straight pride" parade in Boston last week, maybe 50 miles from my house. I skipped it, and went out for pancakes instead. Then, I came home and did some laundry.</p> <p>About 300 people marched in the parade. Maybe the other straight guys do their own laundry, too.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 09, 2019</p> eb32e5b779fa25e74839d37d7e1e4d3c It's Labor Day, So Start a Riot for 09/02/2019 Mon, 02 Sep 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>It's Labor Day, when we celebrate by studiously not celebrating in hopes that the folks "at corporate" won't think that we're thinking of ourselves as "labor."</p> <p>Instead of thinking of ourselves as "labor," we are encouraged to think of ourselves as individuals, gun-owning frontiers people who just happen to have central air conditioning and live in the suburbs. Other than that, we're Dan'l Boone. We're that band of hardy patriots who took their squirrel guns down off the wall and started shooting the British.<p>Updated: Mon Sep 02, 2019</p> c68ebfbbaac9f82b2862450f387a5c51 Trump's Prison Colony for 08/26/2019 Mon, 26 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>President Donald Trump wants to buy the island of Greenland from Denmark. Denmark won't sell, and they turned him down rudely. Trump said he won't go to Denmark because they turned his offer down without even giving him a chance to borrow the purchase price from the Russian mob. In addition, he turned them down because he is a petulant child.</p> <p>But Trump ain't no dope, nossireebob. He had plans for Greenland.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 26, 2019</p> af762480f9f0c87935e010cbf8cbcdb1 Shortbread and the Love of a Woman for 08/19/2019 Mon, 19 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I had to buy birthday presents for my wife. Her birthday was last week.</p> <p>I'm not bad at present buying. I specialize in scarves, perfume and jewelry. None of those items come in a specific size, so there's less room for error.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 19, 2019</p> 02135b89fcde2bdae2cbf2c1bff4c764 Places I Go Not to Get Shot for 08/12/2019 Mon, 12 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I've got a little list.</p> <p>It's a list of the places I go most often.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 12, 2019</p> ac454d585b0eaa89ed2e7876f8929fe7 Build Those Walls! for 08/05/2019 Mon, 05 Aug 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The city where I live, an undistinguished place in Massachusetts, is getting ready to build a replica of the Vietnam Wall in Washington, D.C. It is a thing keenly desired by the population, most of whom make less that $30,000 a year, which is a hell of a lot less in Massachusetts than it is in Georgia.</p> <p>It's an old city. We have a monument to every war this country's ever fought, including a monument to the boys who fought the Spanish-American War. It's a bronze statue on a traffic island. The junkies stand on the traffic island and ask drivers stopped at the light for change. Nearly everyone I've ever spoken to believes the Spanish-American War monument is a World War I monument. I was born here, and I believed that until I was 50.<p>Updated: Mon Aug 05, 2019</p> ccce71f8100f6dc26cb12649cf50484e Two Words, Chanted for 07/29/2019 Mon, 29 Jul 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>If we can't chant it, we don't want it.</p> <p>Doesn't rhyme. Doesn't have to. It's too long anyway.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 29, 2019</p> 2012da33fe6ab45a8c31ec4acefa1c31 O Say, Can You See, the Flag on My Shoes? for 07/15/2019 Mon, 15 Jul 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Let's start out by putting a floor under this column.</p> <p>I was raised to believe that you did not wear the American flag as clothing. The reason my teachers and my parents gave me was that if you had an American flag on your T-shirt, you would eventually spill gravy on the flag. Just as bad, sooner or later, your flag T-shirt would end up in the hamper with the other dirty clothes.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 15, 2019</p> a3fd05a7874619eb632dea40eaed1188 Evangeline Passes for 07/08/2019 Mon, 08 Jul 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I had a pickup truck. Her bloodline is not important, though I will say she was a 2001 and white in color.</p> <p>Her name was Evangeline. I'm of French descent, and all my vehicles have French female names. Suzanne. Therese. Suzette.<p>Updated: Mon Jul 08, 2019</p> 0b4e498c7ecddbad9bb37bac75790b23 Woody Guthrie, By God for 07/01/2019 Mon, 01 Jul 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p><i>"Some of us are illegal, and some are not wanted,</i></p><i> <p>Our work contract's out and we have to move on;<p>Updated: Mon Jul 01, 2019</p> 7240d0470432c76e6d9d0bdc9dc714f8 Stop Arguing About These Things for 06/24/2019 Mon, 24 Jun 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>As the election slouches rudely toward the Russian-monitored polling place in your town, there is much to be argued.</p> <p>But...<p>Updated: Mon Jun 24, 2019</p> 83e48bc1017705c7fde1da339055d03c Groundhog of Eden for 06/17/2019 Mon, 17 Jun 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p>As I have written before, groundhogs live in my yard.</p> <p>They're fat, furry, graceless, beaver-faced things and they live well in and out of their hole, feasting, not just on what grows, but on birdseed that's fallen from our bird feeder, and food thrown to them from the second-story window by my wife, Deborah. I think they also eat some of the dry cat food we leave out for a neighborhood stray cat.</p> <p>We try to feed them most in the fall, because we know they'll be going down to hibernate soon, and a groundhog needs fat to sleep through our harsh New England winters.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 17, 2019</p> c012c7bd63043df63a1f5a1c67e43cb1 Trade With Britain for 06/10/2019 Mon, 10 Jun 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p>The United States of America has always traded with Britain, though sometimes it was less of a formal trade, and more of a swap.</p> <p>We stole our whole country from the British, and they invaded us in 1812. But, we sent Americans to help Britain in two world wars. Call it even.</p> <p>They sent us The Beatles. We sent them The Doors. Even.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 10, 2019</p> 232141a0faa606eab5fe150e4f51d0f5 Storming the Beaches for 06/03/2019 Mon, 03 Jun 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I heard Robert Mueller's statement on Wednesday, sitting in front of a dead microphone in the studio of WSAR, an AM radio station in Somerset, Massachusetts. I do a talk radio show four days a week.</p> <p>Just before the 11 a.m. break, during a commercial, our newsman stuck his head on the door and told us he'd switch to the live feed of Mueller at the end of hour, just at the start of the break. The break went long because we broadcast the whole statement, and a little bit of the commentary that followed.<p>Updated: Mon Jun 03, 2019</p> 96c202db0f6012a31e3b8beef894762d The Egg and I for 05/27/2019 Mon, 27 May 2019 00:00:00 -0700 <p>I've been Trumped, obstructed, Korea-ed, Iran-ed, Alabama-ed and Mueller-ed nearly to death in the last few months, just like any newspaper columnist whose weekly column isn't titled "Gardening Tips From Rose" or "Church Doings."</p> <p>I've spent 36 years in the Trade of Despair, as I call what some people call journalism, and I've sounded the alarm so much that my bugle is broken.</p> <p>Still...<p>Updated: Mon May 27, 2019</p>