Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate Creators Syndicate is an international syndication company that represents cartoonists and columnists of the highest caliber. en Sat, 16 Jan 2021 12:16:26 -0800 Marc Dion from Creators Syndicate 79503e4f12fc08a33b263ebc2932e33e A Litany of White Loss for 01/15/2021 Fri, 15 Jan 2021 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Donald J. Trump is the white mans' last stand, or at least I think many of his supporters look at him that way. If you understand that, you understand why they voted for such an unqualified disaster of a candidate, and you understand why they'll kill police officers to save him.</p> <p>While newspapers, books and movies celebrate the civil rights movement, the gay rights movement, and the women's rights movement, there is a kind of white man for whom each one of those things was a defeat.<p>Updated: Fri Jan 15, 2021</p> 0d7ceac24e9e7681a29c1818fa7911e2 Right In Der Fuhrer's Face for 01/08/2021 Fri, 08 Jan 2021 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>"When Der Fuhrer says we is de master race</p> <p>"We heil (pfft) heil (pfftt) right in der Fuhrer's face."<p>Updated: Fri Jan 08, 2021</p> 855132ee25027d2b523b4d0b9acf57cc The Year in Review for 01/01/2021 Fri, 01 Jan 2021 00:00:00 -0800 <p>During the long years of my employment as a newspaper reporter, I wrote the "Year in Review" story many, many times.</p> <p>"Hello, Everyone," the email from the editor would read. "It's that time of year again! All of you need to go over the stories from your beat this year and produce a 'Year in Review' roundup from your beat highlighting the most important news and feature stories of the year. Stories must be no less than 750 words. Deadline is Thursday at the end of your shift. No exceptions. See me with any questions."</p> <p>"I have a suburban beat" I wanted to scream. "Nothing ever happens there! Nothing is supposed to happen there! It's carefully zoned so that nothing will ever happen there! That's why people move to the suburbs, because nothing ever happens there!"<p>Updated: Fri Jan 01, 2021</p> 35bd5af2fa4304c4dc512bd632967161 Santa and George Soros for 12/25/2020 Fri, 25 Dec 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>Being a member of the elite liberal media, Christmas isn't Christmas until the moving van full of George Soros' bribe money pulls into my driveway.</p> <p>Tonight's the night. Under cover of darkness, I will unload bales of cash and stack them in my basement. Hillary Clinton shows up to help and, once we're done stashing the cash, she kills the driver of the moving van so no one will know I receive millions from Soros, evil genius of everything. Then, Hillary and I dig a big hole and bury the moving van in my front yard, next to the rhododendron bush in the front of the yard. After we're done, Hillary and I throw an American flag on the ground and make passionate love on it, befouling it with the sweat from our writhing bodies.</p> <p>The next day, I take maybe $100 million worth of Soros' money, and go Christmas shopping. I buy myself six new Bentleys and some underwear. I buy my wife a new spatula, some underwear and several enslaved child servants. Don't worry, there's still millions left in the basement, stacked neatly next to 14 million stolen Donald Trump ballots I'm hiding for Soros.<p>Updated: Fri Dec 25, 2020</p> d673762ffb1533129b3455b9bc9ff37a Insurrection and Revolution for 12/18/2020 Fri, 18 Dec 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Here's how you think the revolution is going to work if you're a nut job of the left or the right.</p> <p>The members of your booga-booga movement will go out in the street and fire guns/sling rocks at the government.<p>Updated: Fri Dec 18, 2020</p> 3884605b9549fb2c5d8e6f8406f2a04a The Last Liberal Tears for 12/11/2020 Fri, 11 Dec 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p>I sometimes take the long way home from work, driving through the twisted roads of a nearby suburb that was a farm town when my grandmother was a girl. There are still deep woods, New England stone walls and creeks not trapped in a culvert. And, if you wanted to spend a long time looking, you might be able to find a pasture with a couple of cows.</p> <p>But the small farm is largely done here, as it is in most of America and, while we say we would like to go back to "simpler times," I never met a man who was nostalgic for using an outhouse or picking cotton by hand, and I knew men who had done both.</p> <p>Still, we cling to something of the past &#8212; if not the ugly facts of rugged individualism, then at least to a poorly painted picture of our disease-riddled, work-broken ancestors.<p>Updated: Fri Dec 11, 2020</p> 6df2bb3579aa856a577bea2466adc37c The Pull of Pork for 12/04/2020 Fri, 04 Dec 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>It's a month for the letter "P," as in, "The president is preparing to get pitched out of public housing and is proffering preemptive pardons to his progeny."</p> <p>Or, for a more proper association, the simple word "pork."<p>Updated: Fri Dec 04, 2020</p> 354ed698684a0b88804d74f3a79f0b64 Past the Point of Rescue for 11/27/2020 Fri, 27 Nov 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>Country singer Hal Ketchum is dead of the complications of dementia. He was 67.</p> <p>I read that news a few minutes before coming in to write this column, and it seemed odd, not because he was relatively young, but because, in COVID Nation, you forget people die of other things.<p>Updated: Fri Nov 27, 2020</p> 0cf9e6697c66a14e6d040e72106cd770 Unwanted Party at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. for 11/20/2020 Fri, 20 Nov 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>It's 25 years ago, and I'm standing before the sergeant's desk in a city police station, reading the day's arrest reports. In those days, the officer wrote the report on a form, in his own handwriting.</p> <p>A bar owner, I read, called the police because a man was sitting on the doorstep of a street-corner tavern, making it tough for patrons to come in or go out.<p>Updated: Fri Nov 20, 2020</p> 5ed77d90b757b0b2f114b8048415bc9b And She's All Over Him for 11/13/2020 Fri, 13 Nov 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>In spite of the terrible things he's done to America, you need a heart of stone not to laugh at President Donald Trump.</p> <p>He's the rich kid who can't be cool, outdone in every aspect of frostiness by the construction worker's kid in the cheap jeans whose slouch against the wall of a high school hallway is elegant in its simplicity, and powerful in its message to the girls. He's the guy who has to buy more than his share of drinks just to have company at the bar. The golden American girls with their easy, laughing beauty sent him sprawling, and he began to hunt his women among second-tier models from other countries.<p>Updated: Fri Nov 13, 2020</p> 79f73bd811874979d060408c993aeb7b Election Enchiladas for 11/06/2020 Fri, 06 Nov 2020 00:00:00 -0800 <p></p><p>You! The one cracking your morning paper or grabbing a little online commentary!</p> <p>Do you know how little a news columnist wants to be caught with his pants down, hopping around like a kangaroo?<p>Updated: Fri Nov 06, 2020</p> 824e535d88ef9df335a95d089b84f846 Topple the King for 10/30/2020 Fri, 30 Oct 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p>When Americans have nothing else to fight with, we oppose our bodies to the oppressor. We've always been brave enough to take the beating, to take the bullet, to die.</p> <p>Strikers linked arms and walked into the rifles and clubs of hired goons. They won.</p> <p>Women bowed their heads beneath the policeman's nightstick for the right to vote, but never bent their spirits. They'd die first. They won.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 30, 2020</p> c942cc64127bc0c656f6df4a795e7b98 Cats After the Revolution for 10/23/2020 Fri, 23 Oct 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Despite the divided nature of our nation, there is great unity in the cat food section of the grocery store.</p> <p>There are dozens of brands and labels available, and the lettering on the tiny little cans is hard to read, and, invariably, Mittens will only eat the one kind, so we help each other.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 23, 2020</p> 8c483eaea9cab8ad061a7a413cfacbe7 A New Kind of Catholic for 10/16/2020 Fri, 16 Oct 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>The choosing of Amy Coney Barrett as Donald Trump's Supreme Court nominee is brilliant from the stereotype standpoint.</p> <p>Sure, she's a religious conservative and, as such, she can be counted on to roll women's rights back to 1640, but she's Catholic.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 16, 2020</p> fd8fc536741c4b09c79b94243e747fec Stuck in the Middle for 10/09/2020 Fri, 09 Oct 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>Tonight, the wind is blowing hard where I live. I like that because it makes my office seem cozy. I don't like that because it scares the hell out of my cats, and because the lights keep flickering.</p> <p>I'm like that about a lot of things, a man perpetually stuck in the middle, always feeling like a spy in someone else's country.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 09, 2020</p> c5a5007f041a8db5f245d34cbec1438e The Honeymooners for 10/02/2020 Fri, 02 Oct 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>My late mother, veteran of a long and happy marriage, hated "The Honeymooners," a long-gone television series in which the married couple of the title blustered and battled and schemed to outwit each other. A big tag line of the series was the show's star Jackie Gleason saying, "To the moon, Alice," whenever he fought with his wife, which was daily.</p> <p>"To the moon" did not mean, "I love you to the moon and back." It meant that someday he was going to hit her so hard that she'd leave the Earth's atmosphere.<p>Updated: Fri Oct 02, 2020</p> 5d33180080b4e34ff464d6d38ce00443 The Notorious RBG as a Little Girl for 09/25/2020 Fri, 25 Sep 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>People who don't like to speak to groups are sometimes told to picture their audience naked, or in their underwear.</p> <p>This is bad advice. For one thing, it's just plain creepy. For anther, I tried it, and I became way too interested in a woman in the third row who looked a lot like Beyonce.<p>Updated: Fri Sep 25, 2020</p> 12637ee17c75343598889159a7553c56 Me and Cardi B for 09/18/2020 Fri, 18 Sep 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>I wish to remark, and my language is plain, that I have said far filthier things than Cardi B has ever rapped. Horrible things. Repulsive things.</p> <p>Ms. B, if that's how you formalize her name, has recently released a song whose title is so obscene I can't write it in a column. These days, that takes some effort.<p>Updated: Fri Sep 18, 2020</p> 9ce9734f9edb82e5a64eb8c7ae6329bb A Piece of Cheesecake for 9/11 for 09/11/2020 Fri, 11 Sep 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>My wife, Deborah, bought me a piece of cheesecake yesterday. The market she goes to sells individual pieces of cheesecake in clear plastic boxes.</p> <p>"Look," she said happily as we put the groceries away. "I got you a piece of cheesecake."<p>Updated: Fri Sep 11, 2020</p> b98429c3f4b8b7d2b43b64b2dd8b328b English as She Is Spoke, and Why People Are Wrong So Often for 09/04/2020 Fri, 04 Sep 2020 00:00:00 -0700 <p></p><p>An old editor once told me, "If everyone believes it, it's probably wrong," which is why Rep. Joseph P. Kennedy lost a primary battle for Senate in Massachusetts. He lost to Ed Markey, a career politician who can't see himself in a mirror because most of him has vanished into a lifetime of incumbency.</p> <p>And, of course, every self-appointed political expert I know was sure (and irate) that Kennedy, being a Kennedy, could not lose.<p>Updated: Fri Sep 04, 2020</p>