Carols to Wring Out 2018

By Lenore Skenazy

December 13, 2018 4 min read

It's time to sing — or scream.

Let's sing.

Frosty the Traveler (to the tune of "Frosty the Snowman")

Frosty the Traveler was a snowman on the go

With a corncob pipe and a carry-on

And a book by Michelle O.

Frosty the Traveler had a plane to catch that day,

So he stood in line, feeling mighty fine

Till he met the TSA.

He must've looked suspicious, 'cause he saw the agents frown,

But when he cried "Don't touch down there!"

They began to pat him down!

Oh! Frosty the Traveler turned beet red and danced about,

And the TSA, they all ran away

'Cause the snowman freaked them out.

A red snowman freaked them out.

Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump,

Agents everywhere!

Thumpety thump thump, thumpety thump thump,

Hey! Don't pat me there!

The Little Thumber Boy (to "The Little Drummer Boy")

Come, they texted me, pa rum pum pum pum

A nu-brn king 2 C, pa rum pum pum pum

R finest gifts we bring, pa rum pum pum pum

2 lay b4 da King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

So 2 hnr Him, pa rum pum pum pum

I use my thumb

LOL it's fun! Pa rum pum pum pum

I M a poor boi 2, pa rum pum pum pum

I have no gift 2 bring, pa rum pum pum pum

But I can txt something, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Shall I text for U, pa rum pum pum pum,

Or iz that dumb?

Mary nodded, pa rum pum pum pum

Do it for OMG, pa rum pum pum pum

I did my best 4 Him, pa rum pum pum pum

I sent 8 texts 2 Him, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Then he :)'d at me, pa rum pum pum pum

Me & my thumb

Watch Every Bite (to "All Through the Night")

Eat, my child, a plate of quinoa.

Watch every bite.

Your whole country wants you skinnier.

Watch every bite.

Salt is incapacitatin'.

Trans fat we're not toleratin'.

Bake sales are a tool of Satan.

Watch every bite.

Eat, my child, some whole-grain pancakes.

Watch every bite.

Wash 'em down with cream of bran flakes.

Watch every bite.

Health is good, we must remind you.

Put that bag of fries behind you.

Eat a cupcake, we will find you.

Watch every bite.

Schadenfreude Is Comin' to Town (to "Santa Claus Is Comin' to Town")

You better watch out.

You better not cry.

You better get out the vodka; here's why:

Christmas cards are comin' to town.

If you're on their list,

It's there in the mail.

You're gonna find out who got into Yale.

Christmas cards are comin' town.

They show whole families grinning.

They're surfing in Cancun.

The youngest one just got straight A's, and she starred in "Brigadoon."

Oh! You better watch out

From under your bed.

You better get out your shredder and shred.

Christmas cards are comin' to town.

Lenore Skenazy is president of Let Grow, founder of Free-Range Kids and author of "Has the World Gone Skenazy?" To learn more about Lenore Skenazy ([email protected]) and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate webpage at www.creators.com.

Photo credit: at Pixabay

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