Dear Margo: Recently I got engaged to a woman I've known for four years and had a rather tumultuous beginning with. She is the ex of a very good friend of mine and broke it off with him three years ago.

When he found out we were seeing each other, he was irate. He attempted to talk me out of it, and we had a lengthy argument that ended with me hanging up on him.

Nowadays, things are calmed down to the point where we can speak, but it feels forced, at least from my end. We've seen each other a few times, but there are these quiet moments where I feel like he's about to attack me. That's probably just paranoia, because he shows no outward signs of his anger.

My question is: What do I do about him? We grew up together, and he told me once that I always got everything he wanted. So, do I pursue a friendship again, do I cut ties, or do I invite him to the wedding?

The worst part of this debacle is he was going to be my best man, up until I finally chose the woman I'd marry. — Mr. H.

Dear Mr.: This kind of situation is very touchy, made worse by the feeling this guy has that you got everything he set his sights on . . . including the girl. I would not pursue the friendship, nor would I cut ties.

I would let it be what it's going to be. Do invite him to the wedding, for old time's sake, and if he can't manage it, that will be his decision. As for the best man business, well, that's kind of a non-starter now, isn't it?

Do remind yourself that you did not set out to steal this woman from him and she was unattached when you two struck up the band. Have a lovely wedding. — Margo, philosophically

THE TIME FOR A SIT-DOWN IS NOW

Dear Margo: I'm 27 and have been in a serious, exclusive relationship with a woman, 24, for three months. I think we moved fast because there is much we have in common . . . activities, values, sense of humor, physical attraction. It's my first serious relationship, so much of this experience is new to me.

I am very much looking to get married and raise a family; it's her goal, as well. As I've gotten to know her, I find that there are some differences of opinion (inevitably). In our case, we're of different religions (she's Jewish, I am Catholic), she wavers between biological children vs. adoption, and we have differing politics (I'm conservative, while she is so far left she's not even on the chart).

Anyhow, my dilemma is that these issues don't often come up in our wonderful relationship except when we have discussions about the future, or academic issues like communism vs. capitalism. My friends tell me I should just keep going with the relationship and see what happens, but I feel like I don't want either of us to get too attached if these major issues are deal-breakers.

So my question is: How and when should I bring up all these issues? — Worried About Deal-Breakers

Dear Wor: It is interesting that two of your differences, religion and politics, are the things that people are told to steer clear of at dinner parties! You write that these issues "don't often come up" except when you discuss the future. This, alas, is what people your age discuss when they're seriously considering a life together.

It is safe to say that communism vs. capitalism will not make too much trouble for you, but I strongly recommend that you discuss and resolve issues such as the religious training of future children, not to mention where they will come from!

You can agree to disagree on politics, but the basics have to be addressed, and then you will know if a future together is viable. — Margo, futuristically

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.