Dear Margo: About five years ago I met a North Carolina guy online. We became friends and have e-mailed and IM'd each other. We were just friends! However, about a month ago we started talking on the phone and really got to know each other. We have so much in common and he makes me laugh.

I can't remember the last time my husband made me laugh like that. My husband knows we talk, but now it has gone further than that. Does phone sex count as cheating? We do it about once a week and it's fun. I don't have any plans to leave my husband, but if I ever did, it would be for my NC guy. Please help. — Having Fun, but Feeling a Little Guilty in Texas

Dear Hav: Well, yes, hon, phone sex does count as cheating unless it's your husband you are talking to. It is intimate and sexy and, of course, verboten. You are playing with dynamite. If it's really laughs you're looking for, go to Comedy Central.

It is interesting that you say you "don't have any plans" to leave your husband, but if you did, you know who it would be for. You are heading down a dangerous road . . . the one where plans suddenly appear.

I would bag it with your telephone friend, and perhaps for something different, try to get your husband interested in talking dirty. — Margo, telephonically

To Gamble or Not?

Dear Margo: I waited and drifted through some men in my life and never got married. No one was compelling enough, and I was content with my independence. Now at 38, I want to have a partner.

Early last year I met a man and really thought he was "the one." He proposed and I accepted. After six months of dating we left (engaged) for another state to new jobs for both of us. During our next six months, I discovered he was still in contact with the old girlfriend he left behind. He'd known her for five years and their relationship wasn't one he was ready to give up. Despite being engaged to me, he had intimate meetings with her on a few occasions.

After confronting him and then talking to her, she ended it because she wasn't aware of me or our engagement. Nevertheless, I left him and moved back to my old state. Six months later I am still jobless, homeless and staying with friends. Meanwhile, he's been dating new women and forming new intimate relationships, but he insists he loves me and wants me to come back so we can be married. He wants me back and says he will end the other relationships if I come back and commit to him.

Certainly my present circumstances are heavy to handle, and the thought of finding low-income housing to survive is just so humbling. I'm torn. I have love for him, yet I don't trust him after all I have dealt with. He says if I move back he will show me how much trust there will be and that he will make his life more transparent so I won't have doubts.

He's 41 and already married twice. Can liars change when they get older, or is he just refining his manipulations? — Nat

Dear Nat: I would be interested in his answers if you asked him the reason — if he loved you so much — for the dalliance with the old girlfriend, to whom your existence was unknown, and why exactly he wants you back.

Seeing as how he turned your life upside down, if you decide to give him a chance (and let's face it, solve your immediate problems), I would ask for a legal agreement saying if the past repeats itself he is to provide for you for X number of years.

As to your last question, anybody can change anything if genuinely motivated, but womanizing is a hard behavior to alter, simply because of the emotional components that generate it in the first place. — Margo, appraisingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.