Dear Margo: My "father" died recently. I didn't know him. To make a long story short, he was horribly abusive to my brother, my mom and me. I remember vomiting in kindergarten because I was so worried he would kill my mom while I was in school.

He finally left us when my brother and I were very young, and he never paid the court-ordered child support. My mom had to work so much, and my brother and I had to work at young ages. Nonetheless, we were happy he was gone.

After he died, one of his newer families appeared out of nowhere: ex-wife, ex-in-laws and some of my half-brothers and half-sisters. It is VERY important to me to remain completely disconnected from anyone associated with my father. I don't want them to know where I live, what I look like, where I work or what car I drive.

I put my father out of my mind a long time ago, just as he did to his 7-year-old and 5-year-old children. Apparently, my father's children have expressed a strong interest in meeting my brother and me. This will not happen. We have no reason to meet them. As far as I'm concerned, Daddy's death was the final chapter of a tragic story.

Suddenly, people are coming out of the woodwork to condemn me for not wanting to meet my half-brothers and half-sisters. "You are their oldest sibling. They need you right now." And I hear the ever-popular, "They are blood!"

Um, I have one brother and I am his oldest sibling. That's all. Am I wrong for not wanting to be associated with "family members" who are nothing more than strangers to me? My heart finally stopped hurting. I don't want it to start up again. — Momma's Girl in Pittsburgh

Dear Mom: I'm with you. Given the history, you do not, and need not, feel any connection to the family that came after yours. I have never bought the "they are blood" routine. Being related is an accident of DNA. Follow your instincts and ignore the advice from the bleachers. — Margo, approvingly

When a Clean Shirt Is More Than a Clean Shirt

Dear Margo: I am in a relationship with a younger man (he's in his 30s; I'm in my 40s), and the problem is not our ages but his manners.

He is a well-educated professional, but his manners are terrible. He hardly ever shaves and will wear the same shirt several times, even with a closet full of nice clothes.

I was brought up to believe that manners are about making people around you feel comfortable and showing respect for yourself. When we go out with people, he will use manners, but when it's just the two of us, they are pretty much nonexistent.

I think it is great when two people feel comfortable enough around each other to be "relaxed," but some of this really bothers me. Am I expecting too much? — No Amy Vanderbilt

Dear No: Well, there's "relaxed," and then there's relaxed. Perhaps you could tell him that unless he wishes to grow a beard, you would appreciate his shaving daily, saying the stubble hurts your face during romantic moments and he is much more handsome with the clean-shaven look.

Tell him you like him to feel comfortable when it's just the two of you, but a clean shirt now and then would make you happy. It's possible the guy is a slob at heart and the nice clothes strike him as a business necessity. This will be an interesting test as to how much he cares about pleasing you. — Margo, decorously

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.