Dear Margo: My father's wife of 46 years (my stepmother) has designated me the family thief. She has decided over the past two years that I must be the one who has been disappearing items from the family cottage.

She has known me since I was 2 years old. We have always had a somewhat distant but comfortable relationship. I was not raised by her, but all my younger siblings and my older sister were (my dad had custody of her).

I have always been an outsider, but it has not been a big deal. Now she has stopped all recognition of me and my son (who considers her his loving grandmother). No cards, letters or gifts. Not a huge deal for me, but it sends an awful message to my 13-year-old son.

We see each other every summer, and this started two years ago when she had three separate talks with me about how much I might know of the whereabouts of a thermos and a frying pan. I knew nothing. Each time she asked, she was more pointed about the issue.

The questioning was very uncomfortable for me, particularly the last time when her eyes seemed to glitter as she noted that the missing thermos had been in the closet of the bedroom where "you always stay." I solidly denied any knowledge of theft. What is going on here? — Definitely Not a Thief!

Dear Def: Given the probable ages involved, and the fact that the trouble is relatively new, I would guess what is going on is that your father's wife is losing her marbles and becoming a touch paranoid (over a thermos and a frying pan, yet).

There's a chance she misplaced these items, and it's easier to think someone took them. I am not sure where your father is in all this, but you might tell him you do not appreciate being accused of being a kitchenware kleptomaniac, and, furthermore, her turnaround regarding your son is very hurtful. You might suggest to him that a neurological workup might be in order.

If things don't improve, tell your son that his gram is going through some emotional changes, they have nothing to do with him, and what a shame it is. — Margo, curatively

The BF With Two "Personalities"

Dear Margo: I am currently in a relationship (eight months), and my boyfriend is the most caring and sensitive man I have ever met. The problem is he is bipolar.

He is on regular medication but has a tendency to become paranoid and insecure at the drop of a hat with no provocation. I love him and don't want to lose him, but his actions sometimes leave me depressed.

I cannot imagine the pain of this disease. I constantly read articles that give me a little more understanding about how to handle his outbursts, but they never seem to tell me enough! When he has one of his episodes, he acts like he is a 3-year-old spoiled brat.

His parents have always coddled him, which doesn't help matters any. I just need to know if there is a support group that I could contact so I can keep this incredible man as well as my sanity. — Frustrated in Texas

Dear Frus: A very well-regarded support organization is available to you both online and in several cities. It is www.nami.org. It is wonderful that you have a man who, despite his mental difficulty, you find incredible. I admire your wish to understand his situation better and to deal with it. And, of course, a support group will help you immensely. — Margo, supportively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.