Dear Margo: I've been married to a wonderful man for 13 years. I feel that I "settled" for this man due to the fact that my true love and I went our separate ways when we were young because we were both stubborn.

My first love and I have been talking for the last five years, and made a promise that one day, when we're old and gray and no longer have our significant others, we would marry and take care of each other. I feel a bond with this man that I have never felt with anyone else, including the man I am married to.

We are at the point now where we don't want to wait for our significant others to "go away." We feel that we are soul mates who were stupid kids and now belong together. Any suggestions? — Made a Mistake

Dear Made: First, I must tell you that the idea of "soul mates" is starting to grate on my nerves, not least because it's become the phrase du jour and almost meaningless. It has also come to be shorthand for "the one and only," and I've never believed there is only one perfect person for everyone. Moreover, the over-hyped idea of "first love" has caused more disappointment than one-size-fits-all.

There is always something alluring about the unknown and what might have been. If you pursue this romanticized ideal, you may win, and you may lose. Your only decision now is to choose whether you want to undo your marriage to this "wonderful man" to catch up with what you imagine you've missed. And the five-year "correspondence" makes me wonder if you and this man are not just playing head games. — Margo, dreamily

Dear Margo: I don't give my opinion unless asked, so when my sister-in-law asked me what she should do to help her failing marriage and rekindle their sex life, I offered a suggestion.

Her issue was that the only time her husband paid attention to her was when he wanted sex, and he claimed that she never wanted sex. My suggestion was to have planned intimacy on the weekends and cuddles during the week. This would allow her to mentally and physically prepare for sex, and he could woo her during the week.

There were many more issues to resolve in this marriage, but I thought this would be a start. Well, my good intentions blew up in my face. My brother-in-law flew off the handle, claiming he should have sex anytime he wanted without making an appointment with his own wife. Unfortunately, my sister-in-law pointed in my direction when he asked where she got the hare-brained idea, and now I've been branded by my husband's family as a troublemaker.

The couple has since divorced. My father-in-law resents me to the bone, and my husband's half sister has stopped talking to us. My mother-in-law, who is emotionally fragile at best, just wants her family to get along. My husband has been great, and not only stood by me during this firestorm, but defended me and my intentions.

I feel horrible and think maybe there is something I should do to "fix" this problem. Do I ride this out (it's already been two years) or try to make some sort of amends? — Angela

Dear Ange: There are no amends to be made. You did nothing wrong. Your situation just proves the old axioms about the road to hell, and that no good deed goes unpunished. This marriage wasn't going to make it, and your brother-in-law sounds like the classic male chauvinist you-know-what. The members of the family who blame you are not thinking straight.

The good news is that you have your husband's support. You are in no way the bad guy, so forget it. — Margo, unbendingly

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.