Dear Margo: The love of my life recently passed away. Now I need to know how to handle a situation with his widow. (Yes, he was married.)

While we were seeing each other, she had reasons to suspect he was cheating and did enough research to connect my name to him, and even came and questioned me.

Per his wishes, I denied the affair and provided logical explanations for the various "evidence" she had. I think she wanted to believe me (us), but I know she was never 100 percent convinced.

Now that he's gone, I would prefer that she continue in ignorance of his indiscretions, but I know that sooner or later she will come across a collection of letters, notes, poems, trinkets and treasures that will undeniably confirm her suspicions.

I thought about sending a card that says I had lied to her before, but I am now ready to answer her questions openly and honestly if she still wants the answers. But I would hate to seem as if I'm "rubbing it in" during her time of grief.

Should I wait some period of time before I send it, or should I forget it altogether and wait for her to come to me when she discovers the collection? — Dead Man's Mistress in North Carolina

Dear Dead: You seem pretty sure there's "a collection." He may not have kept a thing. In any case, do not make the first move. This woman may never get in touch with you.

And if she does, let your gut tell you whether or not you want to give her all this food for thought, or protect your love in death as you did in life. — Margo, thoughtfully

When Your Past Comes Back to Haunt Him

Dear Margo: I have an ongoing problem that I'm desperately hoping you can help with. I have been married to my husband for 26 years.

We were married very young, just out of high school. Our oldest son was born in our first year of marriage, and since my husband was in the service, we were living 1,000 miles away from all family and friends.

Shortly after his birth I was feeling the normal emotional ups and downs and confessed to my husband that I'd had an abortion while still in high school, long before I ever met him. After seeing my beautiful new baby, I realized what I had done and the guilt was crushing.

About nine years ago, my husband started bringing this up all the time and calling me names. Also, whenever we fight, he brings up any mistakes I've ever made. It seems to me that he will never get past this, and I'm beginning to lose hope.

I am so sorry I ever confessed, but at the time he was my best friend and I thought I could trust him to understand. I was so wrong. Do I go through life never moving forward? — Patti in the Past

Dear Pat: Confession may be good for the soul, but it can also supply ammunition for someone who has trouble putting the past to bed.

What is happening is that your husband has started to obsess about an event he deems to be wrong, and from nearly 30 years ago, no less. You cannot be expected to live the rest of your life with him bringing this up every chance he gets, so I would suggest you make him an "either/or" proposition.

Either he goes with you to counseling to get this thing resolved, or you may have to think about severing the ties that bind. You might tell him that sticks and stones may break your bones, but you have no plans to stay married to a man who is continuously calling you names.

With luck, understanding his anger, with professional guidance, will resolve the problem. — Margo, curatively

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Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.