Dear Prudence: My daughter had a baby recently. The father (they are not married, and he lives with his parents) was at the hospital and visits the baby often. The problem is, he has not yet told his parents that there is a baby.

The more we watch this precious child grow and change, the more it seems that someone should let them in on the secret. My daughter says to stay out of it. The father says he wants his parents to know and he will tell them, but somehow he has not been able to yet.

Will it ever be OK for me to tell his parents about their granddaughter? — Wanting To See the Right Thing Happen

Dear Want: It would be quite a shock for the other grandparents to hear this news from you. The young man must tell them, and Prudie is guessing he is quite young if he's living at home and the new parents aren't married. (Like maybe high school?)

As close as you should come to moving the situation forward is to strongly encourage the baby's father to tell his folks soon , because this is not the kind of news one can keep close to the vest. You might be more persuasive if you offer to go with him when he breaks the news about the little bundle of joy.

Good luck to one and all. — Prudie, relatively

Dear Prudie: If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, my mother-in-law is on her way. I have never met anyone who wanted to do so much for me, but therein lies the problem. As kind and generous as she is, she has a tendency to make herself too much at home.

Several times she has stayed a weekend with us and done our laundry, taken over responsibility for our son, and bought stuff we already have and do not need. I appreciate her efforts, but she doesn't bother to ask, she just does , feeling that she's helping out. (What she is actually doing is driving me crazy.) I know how to do my own laundry and am happy to do it. I can take care of my son and am quite tired of hearing, "He needs his Nan."

My husband has made several efforts to help his mother understand that I would rather take care of my own household. I've come to the point where I've asked my husband to inform his parents that the next time they visit to perhaps stay in a hotel. On previous occasions, they had offered to get a room, but have since stopped. I do love my mother-in-law, and I appreciate her good intentions, but she's killing me with kindness, and I'd like her to stop! — Keeping M-I-L from Burning

Dear Keep: It would be useful if you could loosen up, just a little, and understand that your m-i-l is trying to live up to her idea of being a good grandma. Perhaps you could tolerate having a visiting "laundress" when she visits, as well as accepting unnecessary "stuff" (which perhaps could be returned?).

If putting up with all this helpfulness, however, is going to give you a stomachache, then tell her gently that you'd like her to be a real guest when she visits, and it works better for you if the regular routine is maintained. And reintroduce the hotel idea.

Prudie hopes, however, that you will hear the unstated message in, "He needs his Nan." — Prudie, benevolently

***

Dear Prudence is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.