Q: Lately, my siblings and I have been noticing Mom and Dad fussing about each other's driving ability. Dad drives most of the time, but sometimes Mom insists on taking the wheel.
Frankly, the rest of the family isn't certain that either of them should be driving at their age. But they get irritable when anybody mentions it.
How do other families deal with this sensitive issue?
A: Do everything you can to determine their current driving capabilities. To observe them in action, find an excuse to take a drive with each of them individually and sit in the passenger seat. A few miles' drive will let you figure out whether they should be driving.
If they aren't up to the task, they are presenting a danger both to themselves and others.
Seniors' most dangerous car accidents are caused by backing up, parking, making left terms, getting lost, confusing the gas and brake pedals, merging lanes and/or being disturbed by other drivers' choices.
If you believe they are endangering themselves, suggest that they enroll in a driving class provided by AARP or a local senior center. Taking this class may give them an idea of their limitations. Be sure to mention the incentive that this certificate could get them an insurance discount.
The worst-case scenario is you being forced to take away their car keys. Although this may become necessary, it's important not to jump to conclusions!
Establishing a baseline will help both you and your relationship with your parents. — Doug
EXPRESSING APPRECIATION
Q: One of the best pieces of advice I've heard is to be aware of balancing criticism and compliments with the people around you. But after 35 years of being married, my wife doesn't seem to register the nice things I say. She just shrugs them off and forgets about them.
Am I just wasting my breath?
A: The advice you're referring to sounds a lot like Dr. John Gottman's research on married couples and avoiding divorce. According to him, an optimal ratio is five positive interactions to every one negative interaction.
But sometimes quality matters more than quantity.
Consistency and caring are essential to making any relationship work, but sincerity and thoughtfulness are equally important. Instead of just saying nice things, put effort into the things you say.
The more you hear a word or phrase, the less significant it seems. We become inured to things we hear repeatedly and assign less value to them. Think of it this way: If you say any word 20 times in a row, it eventually begins to sound like nonsense.
Be specific about your observations. Instead of saying she looks beautiful, you could mention that you like the way she looks in a certain color of clothing.
On the other hand, it sounds like you could use some positivity yourself. Feeling like you're making all the effort can wear out anyone.
Choosing a positive attitude is the best way to a good life. While you may be frustrated that she doesn't acknowledge your efforts, you can choose to look for the positive things she does.
Sometimes the best compliment is an expression of recognition. Give your wife a sincere thank you for something she does for you! — Emma, Doug's granddaughter
Doug Mayberry makes the most of life in a Southern California retirement community. Contact him at [email protected]. Emma, Doug's granddaughter, helps write this column. To find out more about Doug Mayberry and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.
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