Dear Annie: My stepson is 22 and autistic. For 12 years, he lived with us half the time and with his mother the other half. During those years, I was very involved in his life — I went into his classroom to help with his needs, drove him to school and appointments, took him shopping and spent time just hanging out with him. I truly tried to be a loving, steady parental figure.

As he got older and bigger, things changed. He became more volatile. He has put holes in walls, broken furniture and been physically violent toward my husband. Three years ago, he threatened me directly, and before that he stalked one of my daughters online. My children and I are genuinely afraid of him.

At that point, I told my husband he had one year to find other living arrangements for his son because I no longer felt safe in my own home. My husband did so, but he has never stopped hoping his son could "come back" into the fold. He believes his son has made progress and deserves redemption.

My stepson has been in and out of therapy. My husband and I do couples therapy and individual therapy, but family therapy with my stepson ended when he said I could not be included because I am "not his mom." I have now had minimal contact with him for a couple of years, and although I feel guilty, I also feel a huge weight off my shoulders.

Now my husband has asked if his son can join us for Thanksgiving with my large extended family — including my grandchildren and my brothers' young children. I told him that if his son is there, my children and I will not attend. I said that if we had consistent family therapy with my stepson over a couple of years and I saw real change, I might reconsider. But right now, my fear is greater than my compassion.

I see how much it hurts my husband that his son is essentially being shunned, and I do not want to add to his pain. At the same time, I feel responsible for protecting my kids, my grandkids and my own sanity.

How can I maintain my boundaries and sense of safety while still being a supportive spouse? Am I being selfish or cautious with good reason? — Protecting My Peace

Dear Protecting My Peace: You are not selfish. You are frightened, exhausted and trying to keep the people you love safe. Given your stepson's past threats, stalking and violence, it is entirely reasonable to say, "I cannot have him at a big family gathering right now."

Your compassion for him is clear: You showed up for him for years, in classrooms, cars and appointments. Wanting distance now does not erase that love. It means you finally listened to your own limits.

Your husband is grieving and hoping for a miracle. Let him know, gently: "I support you having a relationship with your son. I just cannot be part of holidays or close contact with him until there has been real, sustained change — and good therapy — over time."

This is not a punishment. It is a boundary. And boundaries are how people with long, painful histories keep going without breaking.

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].

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