Dear Annie: I was diagnosed with breast cancer a few months ago. I've been through surgery and radiation treatments. According to the oncologists, I should now consider myself a "survivor." Since I have scars, I'm taking medication for the next 10 years that has potentially really bad side effects, and the chance of reoccurrence is a definite possibility, I don't feel like a "survivor."

I readily admit that I'm depressed. I maintain that this is a perfectly reasonable reaction to something bad that has upended and changed my whole life for the foreseeable future. I'm not suicidal, and although some mornings are hard, I get up every day, shower, brush my hair and teeth and maintain my usual schedule.

The worst thing to me about cancer is that I can't talk to anyone because I've gone from an actual person with thoughts and interests to people only wanting to know about the cancer. It's all anyone asks about. That being the case, I tried to talk to people about how I feel, but the word "depressed" freaks people out more than "cancer." Now I just say I'm fine or OK to make others feel comfortable, which applies to my doctors as well.

I don't need medication, and I tried online and in-person group discussions a few times, and they aren't for me. I've noticed the same thing with people who lose a loved one or have something else bad happen — they aren't allowed to be depressed.

When did it become shameful and something that needs to be fixed when people have a true human emotion to events? Sad things should understandably make us sad — and maybe depressed? Please note, I'm not talking about people with real diagnosed clinical depression or other mental issues. — Sad "Survivor"

Dear Sad "Survivor": The word "survivor" may sound triumphant, yes, but it doesn't cancel out the fear, pain and lifelong change you've endured to get here.

It is a victory to be where you are today, and there's nothing troubling about feeling conflicted. What is troubling is feeling you have to hide it — especially from your doctors, who need the full picture, whether it's pretty or not. You're allowed to say, "I'm getting through it, but it's still hard," and you deserve people in your corner who can hear that without panicking or minimizing it, no matter how uncomfortable it may make them.

Healing doesn't happen overnight. Give yourself permission to feel whatever comes and ask honestly for the support you need. A survivor isn't someone who feels strong all the time; it's someone who keeps going despite hardship. By that measure, you absolutely are one.

Dear Annie: After 15 years, my wife says she is filing for divorce. I'm disabled and don't drive. I work part time and receive disability money. My wife has always helped me get to and from work because I don't drive myself, and she also handles our bills.

I still love her, and I need to know why she has become so bitter toward me. And why did she wait till now, after I sank so much money into this life we've been building? What changed? — Stunned Spouse

Dear Stunned Spouse: I'm so sorry. The end of a marriage is always sad, but when you don't see it coming, it can feel especially blindsiding.

Perhaps the question isn't what suddenly changed but what has built up over a long time. From what you describe, your wife has carried a lot of the day-to-day — transportation, paying bills, keeping everything afloat — which can wear a person down. That doesn't mean this is your fault, but it might explain some of the "bitterness" you've picked up on.

If she's willing, ask for an honest conversation. You might not be able to change her mind or salvage the relationship, but getting some answers can help you at least make sense of its ending.

In the meantime, focus on building independence where you can — transportation alternatives, financial management, legal advice. It's important to start planning how you'll take care of and protect yourself going forward.

"Out of Bounds: Estrangement, Boundaries and the Search for Forgiveness" is out now! Annie Lane's third anthology is for anyone who has lived with anger, estrangement or the deep ache of being wronged — because forgiveness isn't for them. It's for you. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Follow Annie Lane on Instagram at @dearannieofficial. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected].

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