Infidelity in the Inbox

By Annie Lane

January 7, 2020 4 min read

Dear Annie: My husband and I have been married for more than 50 years. We have had a great life together, sharing a lot of the same interests.

We had a great friendship with another couple. Several years ago, the husband caught my husband and his wife sexting each other. I do believe it was a one-time thing, as she was drinking and the circumstances pointed to being a one-night thing. I wanted to forgive and forget, as she was a really great friend. However, her husband insisted that we have no further contact with each other.

We have another friend who is a single mom with two grown children. They live a couple of hundred miles from us. For some reason, she started texting my husband about issues she has had with her children. Over the years, they have continued to text each other, but it is getting more and more frequent. One time I looked at his text messages, and she was sending him pictures of herself. She is beautiful and younger. I told him that I was not comfortable with all the texting and the pictures she sends. Since then, I have found them texting a lot more. I confronted her, and she said that my husband is her best friend and a big support system to her. She has a lot of issues with her grown children. I told my husband that I did not have an issue with their friendship, but my issue is his keeping it from me.

I asked that he tell me about her texting, and what's going on. He agreed. But nothing has changed. I knew they were still texting, and he wasn't saying anything to me, so I tried to check his messages from his computer, but he changed the password. When I asked him what his new password was, he gave me a number, but when I have tried it, it doesn't work. So I have gone behind his back and checked his messages on his phone and have found that they pretty much text daily. He has not said a word to me about it. And I have noticed at times that he deletes her messages but not anyone else's, so I am feeling he is trying to hide them from me. I have yet to confront him with this. Am I being stupid about this or should I be concerned? His lying is what bothers me about this whole situation. — Disgruntled Wife

Dear Disgruntled Wife: The first time you caught your husband sexting another woman should have called for some serious relationship repairs. Not just sweeping it under the rug as a one-time thing. That behavior is unacceptable, and if you're going to stay married to him, then some serious counseling should be done.

Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. Your husband is lying to you and keeping secrets about his correspondence with another woman. Kindly tell this woman that she needs to find a professional therapist to help her with her grown children problems, and she needs to stay away from your husband.

Your husband has lied to you many times, and his behavior points to him knowing better. Otherwise, he wouldn't feel the need to delete these messages. It is not unreasonable for you to ask him for honesty and openness in his communication. It is time to go into marriage counseling and have your husband come clean. You sound like too kind of a woman to be lied to and taken for granted. It is time to stick up for yourself and tell him no more, once and for all.

"Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie" is out now! Annie Lane's debut book — featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette — is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit for more information. Send your questions for Annie Lane to [email protected]

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