As she walked out of his office, a stapler flew by her, missing her shoulder but smashing into the filing cabinet. She had escaped his office safely, but wondered when his anger would flare again.
A high-strung president and small-business owner of hers vacillated between bouts of crying, complaining, and screaming at the few employees she had. They uncomfortably accepted her mood swings and attributed her erratic behavior to her fear of losing clients and income. One day, she ranted and screamed she was starving and hadn't eaten in two days. Her assistant quickly left to get a sandwich for her boss, thinking the food would calm her down. She returned and handed her a familiar meal with a drink. The boss accepted the bag and hurled it across the room within inches of the assistant's head and screamed, "I don't want this; I want help!"
A two-employee law department made up of an attorney and her paralegal in a real estate firm handled all the negotiations by phone. The attorney routinely flipped moods: from chatty and social to uncontrollable anger. While the paralegal was on the phone discussing the case, the attorney rushed into the paralegal's office shouting profanities loudly enough to drown out the phone conversation. The paralegal explained to person on the phone that someone had entered the office and she would return the call as soon as she could. The attorney continued her rage as this assistant sat quietly at the desk, waiting for her boss' angry episode to stop.
None of these employees have been physically hurt yet, but they live with the abuse hanging over them, not knowing when it will occur again or if it will possibly cause physical injury. They didn't know how to explain leaving a job without having another one, so they stayed, continuing to accept the unprofessional and unacceptable behavior. Reporting episodes of physical outburst and verbal rage within a small office could mean their word again their abuser's, and they weren't sure they would come out on top. What they didn't consider was that they had already been harmed by the emotional abuse they suffered regularly. Assault is a criminal act and should be immediately reported to the police by calling 911.
According to Karen R. Koenig, a licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist who works with abuse victims and survivors (Sarasota, Florida), these people minimize or rationalize their abusive experiences by saying, "He didn't mean it," or "She can be so sweet and has helped me when I needed a favor." Abusive personalities strike out in cycles, and their inconsistency keeps those in their circle "walking on eggshells." Abusers have internal triggers, such as an inability to tolerate frustration and anger, and external triggers, which can happen when an employee makes a mistake (as all humans do sometimes). Some abusers feel remorse (see the abuse cycle wheel), while some always blame the victim.
People traumatized in childhood will often not recognize abuse; they rationalize it because that helped them live with it, or they blame themselves. For the sake of their mental and physical health, they must get out of those situations to avoid experiencing the body's stress response, in which the nervous system "dis-regulates" (releases a cascade of chemicals that causes an imbalance). When something bad happens, the body goes into fight or flight. Childhood abuse causes a person to be on "hyper-alert" all the time, and people take their upbringings into every workplace.
Dr. Valeria J. Stokes, the CEO of Stokes Consulting Group, the HR division of the Affluence Group LLC, says, "The presence of hostile work environments and retaliation are generally supported by leadership. It can be found in a company culture that has no accountability for performance and without a professional performance evaluation process.
"Individuals must have their own professional philosophy and requirements for the work environment they want. An employee growth culture would include: 1) Special project assignments to expand skill sets, 2) Professional growth and leadership development, 3) Professional performance and management evaluation and 4) A company approach to performance and values, and how those values are demonstrated.
"Candidates should also find out why the position is open, how long it has been open and how many other jobs are open and identify tenure of management compared with employee attrition. This shows something is amiss. Employees leave managers, not organizations."
Interviewees can say they left because there were no opportunities beyond their current role and wanted to conduct a full-time job search. Never share any negative experience in a job interview, even when an interviewer shares negative information they have heard about a certain boss.
People often accept jobs because they need to pay the bills, which is why they tolerate unprofessional behaviors from bosses. If one experiences abusive behavior or "terroristic threats," he/she should call 911 and report the incident. It's a talent-driven market now, so candidates should confidently start job searches to leave hostile environments, and show professionally led companies what they could contribute in the job and to the company.
Email your workplace issues and experiences to [email protected]. For more information about career and life coach Lindsey Novak, visit www.lindseyparkernovak.com, and for past columns, see www.creators.com/read/at-work-lindsey-novak.
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