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Secondhand Drinking
Dear Annie: I wanted to share a bit of what it's like to be the family member of a person who drinks too much. I know. I had more than 40 years of experience by the time I finally sought answers. I studied brain- and addiction-related research to assess my loved one's drinking patterns in order to protect myself from secondhand drinking. Secondhand drinking is a term to describe the impact on the person on the receiving end of another person's drinking behaviors.
These drinking patterns cause brain changes — especially in the areas of the brain responsible for judgment, memory, coordination, pleasure/reward and reasoning. And we don't fully understand the physical and emotional consequences to the health of a family member or friend who repeatedly deals with SHD. These include anxiety, depression, stomach ailments, skin problems, obesity, sleep problems, difficulties at work or in school, migraines and more.
April 11, 2013, is National Alcohol Screening Day (NASD). This year, I urge people who love someone who drinks too much to conduct an anonymous screening of their loved one's drinking patterns. Screening for Mental Health has created a fantastic website, www.HowDoYouScore.org, where anyone can anonymously evaluate their own or a loved one's drinking patterns through an online assessment. The website also provides information on treatment options and suggestions for what it would take to cut down on or stop drinking.
This kind of anonymous screening allows you to understand what you are really dealing with: a drinking pattern that is changing their loved one's brain and causing hurtful drinking behaviors. — Lisa Frederiksen, Author, Speaker, Consultant
Dear Lisa: Thank you for sharing your story and emphasizing the importance of screening for alcoholism. Once again, those who wish to be screened can do so at howdoyouscore.org.
Dear Annie: I have lupus and suffer terribly. Some days are better than others, but most include fatigue, pain or some other symptom. Yet, when friends greet me, they say, "How are you? You look good."
Rather than greet me this way, I would prefer they not ask about my illness, because I haven't felt well in 17 years. Could you please tell readers in this position to simply say, "It is so good to see you"? That way, I don't feel obligated to speak about my current condition. — Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired
Dear Sick: Your suggestion is a good one, and we hope people will keep it in mind. But we don't believe these friends actually expect a rundown of your illness, nor are you obligated to talk about it. Greeting someone with, "How are you?" is generally rhetorical. You aren't expected to respond other than to say, "Fine, thanks," or some short variation. Because you haven't truly been well for years, it stands to reason that you would take questions about your health more literally than intended.
Dear Annie: Thank you for printing the letter from "Rocky Mount, Va.," who thought dogs should be allowed at the funerals of masters who have died. To have a dog at a funeral privately, prior to the public gathering, is a good idea —probably for both humans and dogs.
There is a famous painting by Sir Edwin Landseer (1802-1873) entitled "The Old Shepherd's Chief Mourner," depicting a pointer leaning against a casket with its head on top of the casket. It brings tears to my eyes anytime I even think of it. — Watertown, Wis.
Annie's Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please email your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie's Mailbox, c/o Creators Syndicate, 737 3rd Street, Hermosa Beach, CA 90254. To find out more about Annie's Mailbox and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate Web page at www.creators.com.
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* * * * PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT * * * *
LW3 refers to the second letter on 12 February 2013.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Miss Pasko
Mon Apr 8, 2013 10:49 PM
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"How are you?" Means (to me): how are you feeling physically, mentally and emotionally? How is your family? Your friends, pets, etc.? What has happened in your life lately?
Comment: #2
Posted by: Kazia
Mon Apr 8, 2013 10:58 PM
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LW2 Most people don't really want to know how you are doing, rarely even wait for the expected "fine, thanks..and you?" And saying you 'look good' is certainly better than saying 'you look horrible'. Some of our social remarks are so automatic that I have actually heard people at a funeral say, "You have a nice day, now" . They are thoughtless, but not trying to be mean.
Comment: #3
Posted by: sarah stravinska
Mon Apr 8, 2013 10:58 PM
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LW2 - I agree with sara stravinska. Most people who greet others with, "How are you?" do not expect a report on your health issues. They use it as a form of greeting and don't expect a literal answer. And saying, "You look good" is a compliment, not normally meant as a comment on how well you are concealing your physical condition. I think because the LW has suffered so long with a terrible and challengng disease, she is taking the comments personally, when that isn't how they're meant. Most people don't even think when they greet someone that way and definitely don't expect a report on your actual health. My boss's wife calls him several times a day, and since we're a small firm, I answer the phone quite a few of those times -- each time she calls, she asks me "how are you". It's a little annoying, but I don't think she means, "Has your health changed since the last time we talked an hour ago." I simply say, "fine", and go on with what she wants to talk about.
Comment: #4
Posted by: Kitty
Tue Apr 9, 2013 2:31 AM
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LW1, a fine reminder -- and also it's good to remember that there are a wide variety of support groups available to those who want to change those behaviors. AA and Alanon work for many, but not all; so if someone finds that AA isn't working for them, they shouldn't give up.
LW2, indeed, LW2 is taking this standard cultural greeting far too literally. Most people are not saying it in a way that truly indicates they want to hear everything about your current condition. LW2 should learn to say "I'm okay, thanks, how are you?" and just leave it at that.
(Also, LW2, plenty of people in your condition probably disagree about this issue, so rather than asking the Annies to suggest everyone else change, perhaps you should just talk to your own friends and family about how you'd rather they greet you? It'll probably be much more effective -- although I still think the very best solution is for you to realize this isn't a literal question, but just a cultural norm, a greeting that people don't expect a literal answer for).
Comment: #5
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 9, 2013 3:09 AM
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LW2 - I think you're being oversensitive. "How are you?" is one of those general questions that everyone asks. They're not asking, "How is your lupus?" They're asking an all out genral question like Kazia said. If you don't want to talk about your illness, then don't. When they ask how you are, say, "Fine, and you?"
Comment: #6
Posted by: Michelle
Tue Apr 9, 2013 3:27 AM
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Okay as someone who deals with a chronic syndrome, I choose to have a unique response to How are you? I always respond fantastic or phenomenal and you? I may not actually be feeling that way on that particular day but for me at least, it's a conscious choice not to let my syndrome ruin my day, or dominate my life or my conversation with friends and family. Time is precious, I choose to enjoy everything despite any negatives going on in my life.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Carla Charter
Tue Apr 9, 2013 4:35 AM
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Okay as someone who deals with a chronic syndrome, I choose to have a unique response to How are you? I always respond fantastic or phenomenal and you? I may not actually be feeling that way on that particular day but for me at least, it's a conscious choice not to let my syndrome ruin my day, or dominate my life or my conversation with friends and family. Time is precious, I choose to enjoy everything despite any negatives going on in my life.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Carla Charter
Tue Apr 9, 2013 4:35 AM
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Re LW#1-----
Something I learned from this letter: April 11th is National Alcohol Screening Day, where drinkers or their loved ones can do an on-line evaluation. Drinkers won't do it unless they want to; their loved ones can take all the tests they want but it won't do anything to make a drinker stop-------unless the drinker wants to. (And if loved ones of drinkers really want to understand, Al-Anon or something similar works a lot better than taking a test on-llne.) But if it's time for another PSA-------good thing, I guess.
.
Something I already knew: Drinking affects those who are close to you.
Comment: #9
Posted by: jennylee
Tue Apr 9, 2013 5:13 AM
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Re LW#2-------A co-worker once had a way of dealing with this greeting that I liked-------she always tried to be the first person to speak when she ran into someone she knew, and instead of saying "Hi, how are you?" she said "Hi, good to see you." (A statement, requires no answer.)
.
If they beat her to it and asked how she was, she just answered "Fine. Good to see you." I never saw anyone receiving that greeting from her react as if they thought that by her not asking how they were, she was being uncaring; and it saved both of them from having to go through a spiel of their ailments, unless she happened to run into someone who was just dying to tell her----------------and you can't really avoid those anyway, because one way or another they are GOING to detail their latest aches and pains whether you want to hear them or not.
.
For those friends who really care and want to know how you are, it will probably come up in an extended conversation, and you can tell them just as much or as little as you want; but it doesn't have to come into just a casual 'hello'-type greeting. That's not really what people mean when they say "How are you"-----they just think it's the polite thing to do.
Comment: #10
Posted by: jennylee
Tue Apr 9, 2013 5:26 AM
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Re: Carla Charter #8
Carla------good choice--------and I like your attitude. Congratulations on not letting your health problems rule your life entirely. People ought to be more than just their aches and pains.
Comment: #11
Posted by: jennylee
Tue Apr 9, 2013 5:34 AM
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Re: jennylee
Totally agree with everything you've said. I was going to post something similar, but no need to now :)
Comment: #12
Posted by: Kitty
Tue Apr 9, 2013 5:51 AM
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Clarification -- I was referring to jennylee's comment #9, but agree with her other comments too. They came in between the time I answered and mine posted.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Kitty
Tue Apr 9, 2013 5:53 AM
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LW1 -
"How are you" is a standard synonym for "Hello" in our society, and you can't expect to change the English language because, in your specific circumstances, "how are you" reminds you of how you are.
"You look good" is letting you know you don't look like death warmed over in spite of everything, which is pretty much the only comfort they can offer you. They cannot remove your pain.
I understand that, considering the constant suffering, lupus is pretty much always on your mind, but not on theirs. Cut your friends some slack.
Trust me, they're not trying to discuss your illness. A neutral, proper answer would be "OK", which is suitable until you're at death's door.
How long have you been with your doctor? Perhaps you could benefit from a second opinion, and see if a different treatment approach could possibly yield different results. Also, there may be some new treatments available.
Also, I don't know the specifics of your limitations, but if you could find something you are passionate about to devote your time to, it would take your mind off your mind. This actually works.
P.S.: Take a look at Carla's #7 post. You could do with upgrading your attitude, which right now smacks a bit of entitlement, as changing yourself is far easier than changing the rest of the world... An extremely upbeat and positive attitude can actually improve your condition.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
@Kazia #2
It doesn't mean that to the majority of people, in particular the ones who don't know you, like the teller at the bank or the salesgirls at the shop. Unless you live in a minuscule town where everybody knows everything about everybody, I hope you're not treating acquaintances and service people with a recital of how you are, because that would be entirely TMI! ;-D
@Carla Charter #7
You go girl! That's the attitude!
Welcome to you and Kazia as new posters, btw!
Comment: #14
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 9, 2013 6:07 AM
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I still miss Nanchan.
Comment: #15
Posted by: Princess Bride
Tue Apr 9, 2013 6:35 AM
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LW2: Agreed with probably everyone else so far – please, don't think your friends are belittling you. I realize your illness is frustrating and that a well-intentioned remark reminds you of your fragile health, but they're just being friendly.
Comment: #16
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 9, 2013 6:38 AM
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Re: LW3, I should say, in some ways, that I think it entirely depends on the dog and the family and friends in question. As the owner of a timid, quiet, shy, and small dog, there are times when you could conceivably allow a small and quiet dog where you would not want a larger, rambunctious, loud dog.
If I thought that my dog would outlive me, I'd probably even put it in my will that Ike bring him along to my funeral! (Then again, I'm not likely to want a very formal affair anyway, and it's doubtful my friends and family would stand on ceremony at any such event).
Comment: #17
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 9, 2013 8:40 AM
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LW2 -- In most cases, I suspect that what the majority of the BTL has said is accurate -- people just sort of automatically say, "how are you" and don't mean it quite so literally as you think and really are just expecting you to say, "fine, thanks, how are you?"
Having said that, however, LW2 has a chronic illness she's had for 17 years, and in all likelihood, most of her friends are aware of this, which means that probably some of them really are asking, "how are you feeling today" as in, "I know you have lupus and that some days are better than others -- how are you doing right now?" But even then, they are not asking for a full run down of every ache and pain. Most likely, they are looking for a "I've been pretty good lately," or "it's a little bit worse today, but I'm OK," or even a slightly more detailed, "well, yesterday was kind of awful, but I am much better today." And, of course, they are probably assuming that if they do NOT ask about it, the LW will think they've "forgotten" her disease and/or don't care about it. As Mike H noted, not everyone with lupus (or other chronic ailment) feels the same way about this, so it's sort of tough to expect friends to know the exact right way to handle it. for that matter, I'm betting that for some people with a chronic ailment, some days they WANT people to ask them, and other days they don't. So, there really isn't one-size-fits-all (or even a one-size-fits-most) protocol.
So, LW2's best bet: tell your friends exactly what you want from them. If they are good friends, they WANT to do whatever is least painful or of most comfort to you, but they have no way of knowing that if you don't tell them. Just be nice about it. Tell them that you realize that "how are you" is the default greeting most people use and that you appreciate that they really are concerned for how you are doing because of your condition, but that for you, "how are you" is just a reminder of your condition that you'd just as soon do without. Please recognize that even if you do tell them this, they are likely to slip up from time to time, because the "how are you" greeting is so deeply ingrained in most of us.
A good friend of mine's father died of ALS. He survived about two years from the date of his diagnosis. When things started getting bad, I said to my friend, "I am never sure if it's better for me to ask you how he's doing or if it's just too painful for you to even talk about it, so from here on out, I am not going to ask you how your father is doing. Instead, I will leave it up to you when you want to talk about it or not. Please know that my NOT asking you is NOT an indication that I don't care or don't want to hear about it -- I just want to follow your lead and let you talk about it when you want to and not talk about it when you don't." This is, of course, very different from your situation, LW2, but the same premise can be applied. You can tell your friends, "some days I want to talk about it, some days I don't -- I'd prefer you just not ask me how I am, and then if I want to talk about it, I will."
Personally, I'm a fan of "what's new with you" instead of "how are you" -- it basically does the same thing: it expresses interest in the person and can be responded to with as little or as much detail as the person wants.
Comment: #18
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:02 AM
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LW2: There's no need to find a blanket translation of "how are you", because, of course, there's a difference between "Hey, how are you!", and clasping your hand, looking into your eyes, and saying "How ARE you?". But even in the 2nd case, you're allowed to say "I'm fine, thanks, and you" if you don't want to talk.
Comment: #19
Posted by: Steve C
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:10 AM
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As someone else with lupus, here's something else on the subject: if you hear someone has lupus or another such chronic illness, don't tell them, "But you don't LOOk sick." Appearances lie, and you are sending a message, meant or not, that the person perhaps doesn't feel as bad as he or she says he does. It's belittling.
Comment: #20
Posted by: Wendy
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:12 AM
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@Mike H (17) -- agree it depends on the dog and the family and friends in question. As the owner of a 90-pound dog, I just wanted to point out one thing: there are lots of small dogs out there who would be a MUCH bigger problem at a funeral than my behemoth. Jack Russell Terriers, for example, are small but are extremely high-energy dogs, and if they haven't been properly exercised or trained, could be a real disaster at a funeral, whereas some Great Danes are actually big, lazy, laid-back animals requiring much less exercise than the energetic Jack Russell. Of course, this is not going to be true across any breed -- dogs are still individuals, regardless of breed tendencies. Mind you, I also realize that getting an out-of-control Jack Russell back under control is probably easier than getting an out-of-control Great Dane back under control!
And one other thing -- the dog's "desires" should also be taken into account. I can imagine some shy, timid dogs (regardless of size, and regardless of devotion to one's owner) might actually be petrified at a funeral -- all those people (many of them strangers), the strange place, the strange smells, etc. Honestly, my guess is that for many dogs, attending a funeral would actually be something of a nightmare. Of course, I imagine this is exactly why LW3 was suggesting dogs be allowed during a private setting, without everyone else around and not during the "public" part of the ceremony.
Comment: #21
Posted by: Lisa
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:14 AM
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LW2: Jeebus, you're damned if you do, you're damned if you don't. I'm sorry you're sick, but people are just trying to be nice. Cut them some slack. At least they're not saying "Gee, you look terrible."
Comment: #22
Posted by: Casey
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:19 AM
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Aww, Carla. What a great attitude! You rock :)
The BTL has made some great comments regarding LW2. Agree with you all so far.
Comment: #23
Posted by: Casey
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:23 AM
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Re: Wendy #20
I don't think this is what the friends mean when they say, "You look good". If this is what you are referring to, frankly, this would be going out of your way to find fault with every word.
Personally, if I suffered any illness that made me feel awful, I would be glad to know that I at least don't LOOK awful. But perhaps that's just me...
Comment: #24
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 9, 2013 10:32 AM
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@Lisa, absolutely -- not meant to disparage large dogs at all, for I adore them! And it's why I specified small AND quiet. ;-)
But even large, quiet dogs can "get in the way" a bit more, and are a bit more "obvious", so I can see where people might want to draw a line there. My little guy, though, most parties people completely forget he's there -- and I have to be careful no one sits on him!
Ultimately, it seems to me this absolutely depends on the individual situations -- a beloved and well-behaved larger dog might be equally appropriate, given the family and friend dynamics of the individual being remembered. I'm not completely comfortable with a blanket "one size fits all" ban on dogs at these events; not all funerals are formal occasions.
Comment: #25
Posted by: Mike H
Tue Apr 9, 2013 10:48 AM
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@Wendy: That's good advice! I hope I've never said that to anyone sick, and I really doubt I have, but it's good to keep in mind. It's like "So what if I don't look 'sick'??" It's almost insinuating you don't feel as bad as you say you do, because you don't look "sick."
Comment: #26
Posted by: Casey
Tue Apr 9, 2013 10:58 AM
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Re: Carla Charter--I have a friend in her 80s, and her response when somebody asks how she is:
"I've never had it so good!" with a big smile.
I try to remember that, because life is too short to go around looking and feeling homely, dumb, and ugly (quoting Les Brown).
Comment: #27
Posted by: Joannakathryn
Tue Apr 9, 2013 11:46 AM
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Re: Casey
My friend Jan battled breast cancer for 15 years, until it finally got the best of her. It would go into remission, and then come back. Until the past two weeks when she was in the hospital dying, she looked perfectly fine.
Comment: #28
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 9, 2013 12:15 PM
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Is LW2 joking or crazy. I, and everybody I ever see, always ask "how are you?" I don't have lupus. It's just politeness. Maybe LW2 would prefer: "Hello. It's really crappy seeing you because you get offended by basic politeness. I'd rather not spend any time with you."
Kindly remove the chip from your shoulder.
Comment: #29
Posted by: myname
Tue Apr 9, 2013 12:23 PM
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@ Carla Charter - LW2 should take a page from your book, and I think I will, as well. Love your attitude.
@ Princess Bride - well, good for you. I, personally, have been thoroughly enjoying the peace and camaraderie shown by people BTL the past couple of weeks. How refreshing.
Comment: #30
Posted by: Barbara B.
Tue Apr 9, 2013 1:09 PM
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Dear Barbara B.,
I prefer the chaos. >:)
Comment: #31
Posted by: Princess Bride
Tue Apr 9, 2013 1:20 PM
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Re: Lise Brouillette
No, no, I don't think that's what people mean when they say "you look good." I mean when somehow it comes up I have lupus, and people say in an odd tone, "you don't LOOK sick" and sometimes follow it up with something like "so i guess it's not that bad, huh?" That's the kind of conversation and tone I am referring to. Meaning, don't infer that just because someone LOOKS healthy that they can't be that bad. They can.
Comment: #32
Posted by: Wendy
Tue Apr 9, 2013 1:50 PM
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@ Princess Bride - Well, to each his own! Hope you have a good day :-)
Comment: #33
Posted by: Barbara B.
Tue Apr 9, 2013 1:51 PM
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Re: Wendy
People who are such idiotic St-Thomases that they would, with a funny tone to their voice, imply that I have to look like death warmed over in order for them to believe that I'm sick would get the very rough edge on my tongue. I see no reason to be even polite with morons!
Comment: #34
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 9, 2013 2:08 PM
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Re: Princess Bride (#15)
I suspect nanchan will be back soon.
Sorry Lise, just my intuition talking.
Incidentally, Lise, since you stated yesterday that you thought nanchan is still posting on a few forums ... are you or anyone else aware of prolific past posters on Creators that have actually left this life or perhaps even taken ill? And not whether you agreed or disagreed with those posters ... .
I do wish the best for everyone and if any of the previous posters have indeed passed on, sympathies to the families.
Comment: #35
Posted by: Bobaloo
Tue Apr 9, 2013 3:33 PM
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Re: Bobaloo
Nanchan is still posting on Yahoo, so she has not taken ill or passed on. I don't know if she's on wowowow as I don't go there.
Some posters have left in a huff and never come back, but nanchan is not one of them. They were prolific, although not as much as nanchan, but then nobody is.
And this is not intuition speaking, this is experience. She has left before and come back. She probably will again this time, in the hope of getting a triumphant parade and a crown.
So far, the only one I see missing her is Princess Bride. Admitedly because he thrives on chaos. Most people prefer peace and quiet.
As for taking ill and passing on, this is probably what happened to Jean. The last we heard of her, she was in and out of hospitals because of diabetes.
Comment: #36
Posted by: Lise Brouillette
Tue Apr 9, 2013 4:08 PM
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Re: Mike H
I can only speak for my experiences about dogs understanding deaths. I have had two or three Labrador Retrievers/German Shorthaired Pointers living in my house during the last 20 years. There was only one situation where one of the dogs died at home with his pal nearby. Our 8 year old German ran around the yard when we let him out around midnight on an August summer night, and he came in the house. lay down on his bed next to his younger half-brother, (they had the same mother), and he just died. No rhyme or reason, as we take great care of every aspect of their health, including dental work.
The interesting thing, if you can say that while your heart is breaking, is how the younger dog kept trying to lie alongside him, poking him with his paws, and you could see, he was just trying to understand why his buddy was not responding. I do think the younger dog did understand it, and he moped for months. We contacted the breeder, and we now have the nephew of the younger dog and they are great pals.
I can imagine there might be all kinds of health regulations that might keep pets out of funeral homes, but I do believe that animals understand death when they see it.
Comment: #37
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 9, 2013 9:30 PM
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Re: Carla Charter
Carla, I am copying your message into my journal. I have been around all the sick grandparents and parents, almost all of whom have passed, and some stressed the negative, and some of them were as wonderful as you, focused on their good times, and were wonderful role models. I am getting old enough to feel the odd ache and pain, but I want to be able to be like you, and focus on the positive, no matter what happens. You are a lovely lady.
Comment: #38
Posted by: Carly O
Tue Apr 9, 2013 10:00 PM
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LW2: Speak for yourself! Not everyone feels the same way you do. If you don't like people asking how you feel, tell them so, but don't write a public service letter to an advice column asking people not to ask ANYONE who suffers from a chronic illness how they feel. Because, sorry to break it to you, not everyone feels the way you do! Some people like to be asked how they're doing! Some people like to talk about their illness!
Comment: #39
Posted by: jjmg
Wed Apr 10, 2013 4:01 PM
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Re: jjmg
Oh you must be such a joy to your loved ones!
Why don't you share your e-mail address with everyone of us so that we can ask how you are doing and bore you with tales of why we are sicker than you are.
Some people like to talk about their illness, yes, but unless we have ever lived at the same address, I don't want to hear it. You are the reason why people are afraid to say, "How are you?"
Comment: #40
Posted by: Carly O
Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:37 PM
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Re: jjmg
See the thing is, if you are talking about acquaintances, you might want to talk about your troubles, but people who do not live with you DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT! Sheesh. And I bet most of your family realizes that everyone has some troubles and they are sick of you acting like you are the only one with problems. I am going to say something to you that I have always found offensive and dismissive, but jjmg, "GET OVER YOURSELF." You are not unique, and if you think that discussing your health issues is interesting to anyone, you are wrong. Go back to Carla's post and model your behavior accordingly. A wonderful lady. No self-pity there.
Comment: #41
Posted by: Carly O
Wed Apr 10, 2013 11:42 PM
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@Carly, ouch, I think you are being a little too harsh on jjmg. Sometimes good friends and close family members are perfectly happy and willing to listen to someone talk about their chronic illness *if* that person wants and needs to.
And, jjmg's ultimate point -- that LW2 should "speak for yourself" -- is one I agreed with at the beginning of this all. I don't think LW2 is right to suggest that the Annies tell "everyone" to change how they behave -- LW2 should, indeed, speak for herself -- to those friends and family whose interrogative statements are bother her.
She should not, however, presume to speak for everyone with a chronic illness. jjmg's scenario is just as valid, there's no "right or wrong" here, just different people's preferences.
Comment: #42
Posted by: Mike H
Thu Apr 11, 2013 7:12 PM
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