Dear Margo: My mother is a firm believer in Truman Capote's saying, "You can never be too rich or too thin," and is fond of repeating the phrase often. When I was in high school, I ran at least three miles a day and was on both the cross-country and track teams, but anytime my mother caught me eating, she would say, "Are you sure you should do that?" or "How far do you think you have to run to burn that off?" As a result, I graduated high school at 5 feet tall weighing 85 pounds, and she couldn't have been happier. It's taken many years and I'm still recovering, but now I'm seeing her do the same thing to my little sister.

My sister, "Mary," is 16, and she's 5-foot-2, 120 pounds, perfectly healthy! She runs cross-country and swims, but my mother says the same things to her. Recently "Mary" lost 5 pounds, for which my mother constantly congratulates her — and tells everyone. My mother is in complete denial that this is unhealthy behavior, that I was ever unhealthy, or that her own eating habits are disordered. She is a very authoritarian parent, and my father believes she can do no wrong. How can I stop what happened to me from happening to my sister? — Concerned in Michigan

Dear Con: Too bad your dad doesn't have more information so that he might know your mother is, at the very least, promoting anorexia. Because there is little hope of her seeing the light, I suggest you get your sister to her high-school nurse or counselor, get her some books on the subject, and try to educate her yourself about what is going on. I can't believe she knows nothing of your past struggles. If she does not, that would be the most powerful arrow in your quiver. It is too bad when the mother is the problem, but that's what you've got, so you will have to step in. Good luck. — Margo, interventionally

All in the Family

Dear Margo: Is it unethical or illegal for a psychologist to recommend her husband as a divorce attorney? I had been in therapy for quite some time for grief counseling related to my father's death. I began to have insurmountable problems in my marriage, and the psychologist recommended her husband as the one to handle my divorce. My husband accused them of conflict of interest. He threatened to report them to the Bar Association and to the Medical Board. He said they're running a business that should be named "Divorce Are Us." I believe my settlement was compromised due to their fear of being brought up before an authority. Your opinion? — Ticked Off in California

Dear Tick: At first glance this didn't sound kosher to me, perhaps because medical doctors most often suggest more than one name when asked for recommendations. I asked a friend to check the Ethical Standards for Psychologists (because many shrinks aren't MDs), and it appears that the psychologist did not violate ethical standards by referring her husband as an attorney, unless she violated patient confidentiality by disclosing to her husband things the patient wished not to be revealed; or she unduly encouraged her patient to divorce; or she got a kickback from the referral. I suppose the therapist's action might be construed as unethical if her husband (the lawyer) is incompetent and did not work in her patient's best interests. If you believe your settlement was compromised for any reason, then you have recourse through a malpractice suit aimed at the lawyer, not his wife. — Margo, informationally

***

Dear Margo is written by Margo Howard, Ann Landers' daughter. All letters must be sent via e-mail to [email protected]. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered.