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No One Should Have to Live Like This
Dear Cheryl,
I'm hounded by my husband to have "sex" with him, not to make love with him. When we go for a night out, something is always expected of me. And we never go out unless he has a coupon for a free meal or movie. What am I to him, really?
We have handicapped children. I'm exhausted and overburdened taking care of them. He doesn't spend quality time with them. He didn't even want to take me to the hospital when I fell in the house. I was in pain, with large dark bruises, and he still wanted sex.
He snoops through my diary, purse, car, computer, etc. He keeps the heat at 65 degrees in the house. I'm freezing, and he bought me an insulated suit to keep me warm.
I know this isn't normal. If I could find an escape out of this marriage I would go and my only regret would be that I didn't go sooner. We have gone to counseling. Nothing has changed. — Given Up
Dear Given Up,
No one should live like this.
The first thing you need to do is see a therapist, not with your husband — alone. You're in an abusive relationship, and it has destroyed your self-esteem. You've been beaten down so badly, you feel you have no options but you do.
Plenty of people in your situation have managed to find a way and you can, too. It's not easy, but it can be done. The library has dozens of books about abusive relationships. Read a few. They'll give you some insight into what's going on and what it's done to you.
You're going to need a lawyer. He or she will tell you what you're entitled to in a divorce and what documents you'll need to prove your husband's income and assets, things such as tax returns, savings and checking accounts, safe deposit boxes, etc. If your husband won't provide them, they can be subpoenaed.
And you'll need to line up your allies. Who can you count on? Family? Friends? Neighbors? Former employers? Your children's doctors and therapists? Who knows about the situation? Are they in a position to do something for you?
You need to have an escape plan ready if at any time you feel your safety or that of your children is at risk. Where will you go? Do you have anyone you can stay with? If not, you need the name of a shelter you can move to.
You've taken the first step by writing to me. Now take the next one and the next and the next. Good luck, and stay in touch.
Readers, Sarah recently accused me of male-bashing. This was because I told Maria that Manny (her ex-boyfriend who had two children by two different women, broke up with her but continued to drunk-dial her and tell her he still loved her) was a "low-life scum." Sarah said there was no evidence of it.
"There is evidence that like you, he's mixed up and acting stupid."
I respectfully disagree. Sarah, in the dictionary, next to low life scum, you'll find a glossy 8 1/2 by 11 of Manny.
Got a problem? Send it to cheryllavinrapp@gmail.com. To find out more about Cheryl Lavin, and read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit www.creators.com.
COPYRIGHT 2012 CREATORS.COM
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Comments
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13 Comments | Post Comment
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He wants sex? Where did that become your problem? Hand him a porno mag and some vaseline and tell him to go jerk off.
Comment: #1
Posted by: Roger
Sat Jan 21, 2012 2:28 AM
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We have a word in America that is very helpful - NO. Walk yourself over to the thermostat and push that sucker up to 80. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Lock up the purse and diary, change the passwords. "What am I to him?" A doormat! I don't know about abusive but he sure is an inconsiderate mate. By the way you might want to wear that insulated suit to bed. Leave if you need to, otherwise woman-up and give the gander his due.
Comment: #2
Posted by: Penny
Sat Jan 21, 2012 7:17 AM
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Not to throw cold water on a woman who's already cold, but can this family afford a divorce? It sounds like they're having financial problems that will only get worse if they try to maintain two households. She doesn't say how handicapped her kids are, but it could be very difficult for her to find adequate child care if she has to work outside the home. On his side, if he can't afford to heat his house, it's unlikely he could afford child support for handicapped kids.
I'm more with Penny. Get some backbone and stand up for your rights within marriage. Tell him no means no! If he wants some loving, he needs to act in a loving fashion. Sit him down and go over the financial situation together. If the wolf is really at the door, as in many families, they should decide together how to best proceed. If they simply need to budget what they have, they should do that together.
Comment: #3
Posted by: Madelyn
Sat Jan 21, 2012 11:15 AM
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Agree with Cheryl that LW needs counseling on her own. But I also think Madelyn's right -- that it's possible that this family either has some serious financial difficulties, or that perhaps the husband anticipates some, possibly because of having 2 handicapped children who may need special equipment or other services. LW needs to learn to advocate effectively for herself AND to learn to prevent his snooping.
I do have a little sympathy for this husband worrying about taking you to the hospital (it sounds as if he did) -- the "I fell" can get him looked on as a physically abusive mate, and LW seems to have to understanding or sympathy for that.
Comment: #4
Posted by: hedgehog
Sun Jan 22, 2012 7:28 AM
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This letter could have been written by my former friend before she abandoned her husband and handicapped daughter to run off with a new boyfriend. Before she left, she started a slander campaign against her husband. According to her, it wasn't her fault she maxed out the credit cards on clothes for herself, it was his fault for trying to economize to pay off those credit cards. It wasn't her fault she was a hypochondriac, it was his fault for not taking time off work to drive her to the hospital every time she thought she was dying of whatever. Then it wasn't her fault for staying out to all hours without explanation, it was his fault for being suspicious. It wasn't her fault she was such a hottie that all the men wanted sex with her.
I could have understood if she had just left the husband, but she abandoned the daughter, too. Her husband gave her unlimited visitation, but in nearly 10 years time, she's only visited her daughter twice. The one time she took my call, I asked her about it, and she said, "I have a new life now, and I want all new people in it." It seemed to me she just made up complaints about her husband as an excuse to abandon the daughter she was tired of caring for.
Comment: #5
Posted by: Samantha
Mon Jan 23, 2012 7:35 AM
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Samantha, your friend is, of course, the real loser in this situation. I feel sorry for her; she will either one day come to realize the enormity of wrongdoing she's done and hate herself for it; or...she will continue on, clueless as ever, believing that the key to happiness lies in the people she surrounds herself with, not in how she lives her life. What a waste!
Comment: #6
Posted by: hedgehog
Mon Jan 23, 2012 5:40 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #7
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:14 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #8
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:14 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #9
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:15 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #10
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:15 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #11
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:15 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #12
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:15 PM
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Dear Cheryl: I beg to differ with Madelyn. Her advice to "Given Up" in "No One Should Live Like This" is full of hooey. She advised the abused wife to "Tell him that no means no!" in regard to his demands for frequent sex. And "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" Madelyn, it appears that you've led a rather sheltered life. Apparently nothing truly terrible has ever happened to you. There are countless cases in which a girl or woman married a man in order to escape an abusive relationship with her parents and siblings, only to find that her husband is also abusive. And she can't escape from him because she has nowhere to go. Certainly not back to the frying pan, having already landed in the fire, and not willing to give her siblings and parents the satisfaction of knowing that she's no better off now than she was when she was struggling under their thumbs. She just exchanged a few thumbs for one. It's easy for YOU to say, "Tell him no means no!" Have you ever heard of rape? Do you realize that even the LAW now realizes, decades belatedly, that a husband CAN rape his wife? And many of them do. "Stand up for your rights within marriage!" you say. Without a job and only a high school education, and the inability to earn a living wage, not to mention having to support the baby or babies that come along, the victim is seized with fear and a justified sense of futility that prevents many an abused wife from standing up for her rights or just dumping the bastard. With some abusive husbands, all the wife has to do is say something trivial with which the husband disagrees, such as "I don't like a certain actor," but instead of merely voicing his opposing opinion, he'll slap her face or punch her in the mouth. So Madelyn, please stop giving useless advice to downtrodden women. Their only hope is that either the monster they married will die prematurely, so they won't have to summon the courage to leave him, or they'll be able to survive his constant abuse until their children grow up and are able to help them financially so that they can hire a lawyer and finally escape from their abusers.
Comment: #13
Posted by: Gloria Kaplan Sulkin
Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:15 PM
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